Life is a game. Play It.

2010-04-20T04:14:00.000-07:00

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Christopher Columbus

Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

Student: " In a mirror...duh."

LIGHT THE LIGHT FOR OTHERS
When you see no light at the end of the tunnel, make one at your end for those that wish to enter from the other side.

I am responsible.

Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.

I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.

Walter Anderson

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.-Katharine Whitehorn

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped

Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

Love tips
Gravitation cannot be held responsible

for people falling in love

- Albert Einstein -

The future is not some place we are going to but one we are creating. The paths to it are not found but made.

John Schaar

Rusted Metal Furniture
Rusted metal furniture can be made like new by rubbing it down with turpentine.

Don't Be All Alone
When consideration ceases to be two-way deal, one may start playing solitaire.

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.

The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"

When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.

The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."

Humble Pie
Those who always expect to eat humble pie. Don't know what the true sweetness of humbleness means!

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

Nobodys perfect
"I don't want to be a sex symbol. I would rather be a symbol of a woman, a woman who makes mistakes, perhaps, but a woman who loves."

If you're still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today.

Joyce Chapman

You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

History Lesson
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

--Leo Tolstoy

One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over. You see, your problem won't improve with age.

Warren Buffett

+ General JokePresident Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success. At a cost of $500M, James Cameron's Avatar garnered only three minor awards. It's the costliest project to produce such little results since the Obama stimulus package.

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

your sweet tooth may not be as bad as you think
Craving chocolate? Have some dark chocolate! Recent research has shown that moderate consumption of dark chocolate may be good for your heart. Supplementing the average American diet with 1/2 an ounce of dark chocolate has shown to have a healthy effect on blood cholesterol levels. So, go ahead and indulge!

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

R. Buckminster Fuller

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.-Sir Winston Churchill

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

What I Have

“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the tings you hoped for”

We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light, which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.

Woodrow T. Wilson

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

Ball point ink out
Ever have a pen leak in your pants/shirt pockets? Well I have and it's not pretty,

just use hairspray, wash by hand, if it doesn't work the first time, the second time it will come right out...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

When you are feeling down

1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.

3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.

5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.

6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.

8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.

9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.

13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.

15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.

16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.

17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.

18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!

- JWD -

2010-04-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

Arguing
I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me.

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"

Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"

"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

Why women should watch their waistline.
While putting on weight in general can have negative effects on your health, belly fat is particularly unhealthy.

Recommendations call for women to; keep their waist measurement under 35 inches. A waist size of 35 inches or more may increase your risk of: Cardiovascular disease, Diabetes, Gallbladder problems, Colorectal cancer, Breast cancer, Metabolic syndrome, High blood pressure, Stroke.

In a large study of nearly 45,000 women who were followed for 16 years, researchers found that having a large waist size increased their risk of dying of cardiovascular disease, even if they were not generally overweight. A large European study involving nearly 360,000 people also found that their overall fat content and abdominal fat content were strong predictors of their risk of death.

Some evidence also suggests that having a large waist measurement increases your risk of developing urinary incontinence and your risk of developing dementia later in life.

- Mayo Clinic-

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

CONSIDERATION
Never consider yourself less than anyone, though never consider anyone less than yourself.

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy
Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.

+ General JokeThe Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Learning from failure
You've failed many times, although you don't remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. . . . Don't worry about failure. . . . Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.

-- Sherman Finesilver, US District Court Judge

Negatives and positives are most always based on perception and tend to rent space in our minds and largely dictate our reaction to situations.

M. Raymond Sheppard

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

Be Careful Microwaving Water
Microwave water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or tea bag is put into it.

To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.

Here is what our local science teacher had to say on the matter: 'Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water (less than half a cup).

What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point.

What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.'

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

Henry Van Dyke

During a dinner party, the hosts?two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, ou see, it is vanishing cream!?br />

Craking the controversy about eggs
A new study has shown than, for many people, eggs can be a part of a healthy diet. They are good sources of protein, folate and minerals. And nutrients found in eggs, such as lutein and zeaxanthin, are important for people susceptible to developing eye problems such as macular degeneration and cataracts.

A recent study found that men who ate six or fewer eggs a week had no change in their level of risk of death. However, eating more than one egg a day was linked to an increase in the risk of death. Men with diabetes who ate any eggs also had a greater risk of all causes of mortality.

Diet guidelines aimed at restricting eggs should not be generalized to include everyone. It bet to follow the individual advice of your doctor or dietitian about eggs.

If you need to restrict your eggs, the fat and cholesterol is found in the egg yolk, not in the whites. You can substitute two egg whites for one whole egg in breads, pancakes and baked goods. Or try a cholesterol-free eggs substitute. Usually ?cup of egg substitute equals one whole egg.

- Mayo Clinic -

When you get right down to the root of the meaning of the word "succeed," you find that it simply means to follow through.

F. W. Nichol

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

The beginning of enlightenment....
“Accepting the essence of who you truly are is the beginning of enlightenment."

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths;
feels your fears but fortifies your faith;
sees your anxieties but frees your spirit;
recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.
William Arthur Ward

The time is always right to do what is right.-Martin Luther King, Jr.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

WHERE THERE ARE NO COMPETITORS
The advantage of being narcissistic is that one need never fear a rival

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday

VALUE IS IN THE BELIEVING
Paper money, like virtue, has value only so long as people believe that it does.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.

Success doesn't come to you. You go to it.

Marva Collins

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

THE HIGH PRICE OF ADMISSION
Freedom is a wonderful thing to have guaranteed in our laws; however, many freedoms are meaningless unless one has first acquired the economic means to exercise them.

2010-04-20T04:03:00.000-07:00

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,?the female brain is less because it has been used."

Contentment
Contentment isn't getting what we want, but being satisfied with what we have.

You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.

James G. Bilkey

"MADRID (Reuters) - Flight attendants owed up to nine months' wages by a grounded Spanish airline have posed nude for a calendar to draw attention to their plight, one of the cabin crew turned models said on Wednesday. "The calendar, numerous excerpts of which appeared in the Spanish media, shows the Air Comet attendants, all female, posing provocatively in and outside airline cabins, and in one case on top of a jet turbine. "We are just demanding our rights to receive what is ours, we each have eight or nine months of unpaid salaries," attendant Adriana Ricardo, who appears in the calendar, told Reuters. Air Comet management state that they probably won't be able to pay the back-wages in 2010 eiether, and are eagerly looking forward to the 2011 calendar.

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.

Denis Waitley

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants.
The question is, "What are we busy about"?
Henry David Thoreau

It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.-Moliere

Write it Down
If you want to improve your memory try writing down all your worries. Researchers have speculated that the cathartic act of writing down your feelings may free up cognitive resources in your brain. The physical act of writing down your worries frees your mind from avoiding thoughts about them. Hence, your mental energies that were devoted to avoidance are now free for other tasks, such as building up your memory skills.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.

Eric Hoffer

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night.

Fools in Love
It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

--Oriah Mountain Dreamer

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

Add Fitness to your Daily Routine.
If you find you can't devote enough time to getting in shape as you would like, there are still plenty of ways you can keep your body active while going about your normal routine.

Try to use stairways instead of elevators whenever possible.

If you can walk there or take a bike, let your body burn energy instead of taking your car.

If you are driving, instead of wasting time looking for a good spot, park further away and walk a couple extra blocks.

Turn your housework into a fitness challenge: Sweep and mop using as much energy as possible, exaggerating your arm movements. Fold your clothes and do a couple sets of squats at the same time. Whatever you're doing try and incorporate in some sort of routine that gets your muscles working and heart rate moving.

And if you absolutely can't miss your favorite show on TV, try doing some sit-ups and push-ups while you watch or during commercials.

+ General JokeA boat docked in a tiny Irish fishing village. An American tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take relax with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the fiddle and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Dublin, London or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" they asked. And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there...

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

Health Quicks
The portion sizes in most restaurants are far more than what your body needs – or should consume. Luckily, there is a solution. When dining out, eat only half of what you are given, then take the rest home for lunch the next day.

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken

clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the

event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take

them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your

belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among

the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines

is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the

industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to

fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

Worrying
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do, but in the end you never get anywhere."

Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.

Charles Schultz

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

The patient should be made to understand that he or she must take charge of his own life. Don't take your body to the doctor as if he were a repair shop.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Sally Berger
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

The secret of success is consistency of purpose.

Benjamin Disraeli

The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. -H. L. Mencken

+ General JokeA woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. 'It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

2010-04-20T03:56:00.000-07:00

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Nature gave us two ends: one to sit on and one to think with.  Ever since then, man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.  

Robert Albert Bloch

Corporate Corruption
Allowing managers and directors to choose and pay their accountants directly; is like letting the warden and guards be chosen and paid by the convicts.

Things to do II

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.

Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the

sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.

Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets

cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

Interdependence
The maturity continuum is a movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. All phases of life start out (personal, professional) as dependent (take care of me, you do it). Hopefully, in a reasonable period we move to independence( I take care of myself, I can do it). To reach true maturity we finally say: we can do it, we can cooperate, we can create something bigger than ourselves.

In light of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, PM Gordon Brownsent a stern message to the bankrupt country: "WE SAID CASH, NOT ASH!" NB: Nice topical joke to finish the week..

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Shopping away
Save time at the grocery store by making a list of things you need to buy ahead of time. Try to avoid spontaneousely picking items from the store, because you will probably need to buy complimentary things that go with this extra item. Following your shopping list will save you time on wondering what to buy and money by not buying not needed items.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her

five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy

father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

THE WALL THAT LASTS
Making love, is to a lasting marriage, as mortar is to the bricks of a wall; you can have the mortar without the brick wall and you can have a brick wall without the mortar, at least for a while.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. You can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.

Vince Lombardi

+ General JokeIt's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit......On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government (substitute another country if you like) is conducting business today.

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Yoga for Stress Management
Hatha yoga is a practice which is 5000 years old, and is now being used throughout the world by millions to improve health and reduce stress. Forward bends, whether done standing or seated, are said to be the most relaxing poses for the nervous system. Several times daily, take a few moments to fold forward from the hips, keeping the spine long, and breath deeply, completely restoring calmness and energy. If you have high blood pressure or glaucoma, this pose should only be done from a seated position so that your head remains higher than your heart.

A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the

holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the

side of the plate.

To be educated
To be educated is not hard, it is a continuous process of hard work.

Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.

Barbara Holland

When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Worrying?
Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can rock forever but it will get you nowhere

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.

Samuel Johnson

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Use third party libraries cautiously!
While third party or open source libraries can save you time, make sure they really fulfill the needs of your project before you commit. You could end up spending many hours of your time debugging and enhancing code you don't understand very well.

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.

Don't Be Offended
If another says something hurtful, it is wise to ignore it;

if the words were not intended to hurt,

our resentment will hurt the innocent;

if the words were intended to hurt,

our resentment will reward the guilty.

+ General Joke A squaddie gets posted to Iraq, and is stuck out in the middle of the desert starting to feel really h0rny. In desperation he turns to his Corporal and asks what the men do for s3x on this lonely desert outpost? "Ah," says the Corporal "There's a couple of camels around the back of the NAAFI bar we use." The young squaddy is horrified! The thought of having s3x with a camel terrifies him, so he decides to keep a lid on it. Weeks pass, and the itch finally gets too strong. Fortified by a couple of beers, he goes around the back of the bar, drops his trousers, and sticks one up the camel. As he's humping (pardon the pun) away, he looks around and sees his Corporal standing staring. "Well," says the Corporal "We usually ride the camels into town and visit the br0thel, but whatever floats your boat..."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Wisdom Of Ages
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.

-Arabian Proverb-

2010-03-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

+ General JokeThe New York Philharmonic gave an emotional first-ever concert in North Korea yesterday, in which some of the musicians were in tears by the end of the performance. The North Koreans were saddened and confused, wondering why all that heating fuel was used as noise-makers.

Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?

New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.

Snuggle Up
Even nonsexual contacts like handholding can prompt the release of oxytocin, the so-called love hormone; it ignites sexual arousal, relaxes you, and increases sensitivity to touch.

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one lese will be able to make that happen. Accept who your are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.

Stacey Charter

When the eagles are silent, the parrots being to jabber. -Winston Churchill

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?

“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.

Everything is all right
There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.

- Jules Renard

Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Success
Man sees first his failure or success, his joy or sorrow, before it swings into visibility from the scenes set in his own imagination. Life is a game of boomerangs, be careful of your thoughts, they will come back to you!

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

Get to know the locals
Wherever you go, locals are the key to finding out the best places to go whether it be for a nice dinner or to a deserted beach. Befriending locals can bring you knowledge of all the secret places that most tourists dream of. Take the time to talk to people and you'll get some good tips on where to go and end up learning a lot more about the places you visit.

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.

Online Dating Safety Tips
Here are some online and offline dating tips for:

Online dating

1. Do not include any personal information in your profile. Reputable dating sites have a privacy policy so that their members can be part of a safe online dating environment and any personal information given will not be revealed to others.

2. Take your time getting to know someone online before giving any personal information about yourself and before arranging to meet.

3. Don’t lie in your profile or upload a fake photograph. Do you want to meet someone who is faking his/her identity or photo?

4. It is a good idea to set up a free email account like yahoo. This way you do not have to use your main personal email address in the event that you no longer wish to have contact with a member.

5. Be careful if you think a member is lying to you. Beware of someone who pressures you for anything including personal details or an early date.

6. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable stop messaging him/her. Reputable dating sites provide features for you to report inappropriate messaging or even blocking these users.

Offline dating

1. If you would like to meet someone "offline" only reveal minimal information to begin with. Start with your email address and then maybe your mobile. As email and even phone number can be changed easily if necessary.

2. If you call another member use the "block my number" feature to prevent your number appearing on his/her phone.

3. If you arrange to meet someone, always make sure the meeting point is in a public place and preferably in daylight for the first meeting. Always let someone else know who you are going to meet, where you are going and what time you should be back home.

4. If you're drinking alcohol, don’t drink too much and never leave your drink unattended.

5. Finally, be sensible and trust your instincts – they are usually right!

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Love more and all good things will be yours.

Healthy Eating
Healthy eating starts at the grocery store. To make your shopping trip a success, buy fresh foods when possible and road food labels on prepared foods. If you are looking for quick and healthy option, buy precut vegetables and bagged salad mixes. Plan a week’s worth of menus before shopping, and then make a list of ingredient you’ll need - and stick to it.

- Mayo Clinic -

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

2010-03-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail.

Napoleon Hill

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son?

Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?

The mystery of death
Death is something that can't be explained. We are each owed a death, at

which time it will come or where is a mystery. Live each day as if it were

your last. Make amends with those you crossed or who crossed you. Tell

that special one in your life that you love them. Smile at passers by.

Help someone in need.

+ General JokeNow that Vancouver has opened the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International tourism Website. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK) A: We still use Beaver pelts. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"

Three Enemies
There are three enemies of personal peace regret over yesterday's mistakes, anxiety over tomorrow’s problems and ingratitude for today's blessing.

n: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?

Woman: No, why?

Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!

Customer Service
Customer service is not a cost

-it is an Investment (said by John Frazer-Robinson)

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Laughter is indeed the best medicine
The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities.

So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh.

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,

"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.

Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

Don't Fret
From the very moment we were born, we were dying. So why sweat the small stuff? Learn to accept things for face value and enjoy life. Cherish every moment as though it were your last because this is your last time you will see today.

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

Take the furture head on. And do it with a smile. : )
"Everything happens for a reason, don't worry about the reason just live with what happens"

Success comes from taking the initiative and following up ... persisting ... eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?

Anthony Robbins

Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

Gossip
There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us. That it hardly behooves any of us, to talk about the rest of us.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spirtual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.

Denis Waitley

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asked one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she said with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

Asking
A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; a person who never asks is a fool forever.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
Victor Hugo

2010-03-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

Mold in the bathroom

To remove mold from the grout between the bathroom tiles in a spray bottle mix ½ cup 3% hydrogen peroxide solution and 1 cup of water and spray on the problem areas. Let dry, then wipe down the area.

Note: hydrogen peroxide loses its potency when exposed to air so buy a small bottle and discard after use.

Wise are those who learn that the bottom line doesn't always have to be their top priority.

William Arthur Ward

When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’

Friends
An old friend is better than two new ones...Don't walk in front of me, I will not follow, don't walk behind me, I will not lead, please walk beside me and just be my friend... :)

There is no such thing as can't, only won't. If you're qualified, all it takes is a burning desire to accomplish, to make a change. Go forward, go backward. Whatever it takes! But you can't blame other people or society in general. It all comes from your mind. When we do the impossible we realize we are special people.

Jan Ashford

Doctor my son swallowed my pen, what do I do?

Use a pencil until I get there.

Doing The Right Thing
The truth only needs to be said once, a lie needs to be told over and over!

You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you'll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.

Caroline Myss

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Fresh mud on carpets or rugs?
Cover the spot with baking soda, wait 20 minutes, then vacuum.

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence.
Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear.
Perhaps the action you take will be successful;
Perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow.
But any action is better than no action at all.
Norman Vincent Peale

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. -Peter Finch as Howard Beale in"Network"(1976) Screenplay byPaddy Chayefsky (academy award) You can read the whole frighteningly relevant monologue here http://www.whysanity.net/monos/network3.html

Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Time and Wounds
Time heals all wounds (but leaves the ugly scars). If you want to be happy don't bank on forgetting issues; just believe you've gotten over them.

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

LIfes Failures
"Many of lifes failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

-Thomas Edison-

+ General JokeSounds like my dates when I was a youngster.. (I'm kidding of course - I never got past the meal..) The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

The Antartian reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.

In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

Learn to forgive.
Learn to write your hurts in the sand where the wind of forgiveness will erase them and carve your benefits in the stone where nothing will erase them.

- Anonymous -

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".

The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

Remember, success is not measured by heights attained but by obstacles overcome. We're going to pass through many obstacles in our lives: good days, bad days. But the successful person will overcome those obstacles and constantly move forward.

Bruce Jenner, American Olympian

+ General JokeVancouver 2010 Drinking Game First, lay in a stock of your favorite beverage. Then, turn on NBC and observe the following rules: 1. Take one drink every time a NBC announcer invites you to "share a moment with the world." 2. Take one drink every time snowboarding highlights are backed up by rock-and-roll guitar/heavy metal headbanger music. 3. Take one drink every time a female athlete is described as "America's _____ing sweetheart." Take an extra drink if the athlete in question is "American's curling sweetheart." 4. Clap your hands and take one drink every time reference is made to "the revolutionary new clap skate" being used in speed skating. 5. Take one drink every time figure skating commentator Scott Hamilton shouts that a skater "NAILED!!" a jump. 6. Take one drink every time you hear a hockey announcer shout, "He shoots...he scores!" Take two drinks if you're watching women's hockey and you hear, "She shoots...she scores!" 7. Take one drink every time NBC promises to get "up close and personal" with an athlete. 8. Take one drink every time a skater is presented with a bouquet of flowers. 9. Take one drink every time America's quest for its first medal in luge is mentioned. Take an extra drink if America actually happens to win a medal in luge. 10. Take one drink and sigh, "That's good, mon" every time reference is made to the Jamaican bobsled team. 11. Take one drink every time the REAL Olympic theme is heard.

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."

The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

Beware of Attachments
If you get an email that has an attachment (usually there is a paperclip symbol next to the name) don´t open it! Attachments can have viruses which will hurt your computer. If you don´t know the person, delete the email right away. If you do know the person, use a virus scan program first to be sure it is safe.

2010-03-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,

so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."

The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.

The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?"

The manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Getting what you want
Never take no for an answer from someone who doesn’t have the authority to say yes.

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.

At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

People Skills
When a friend comes to you for advice be sure not to get so absorbed in it that you actually solve one of your own problems with the advice you offer to them. Remember the results may have a devastating effect on their situation and with that, only you, reap the benefits.

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

Unknown

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

Be a Leader
Do not follow a path that’s already made. Go a different direction and make your own.

+ General Joke"Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota." –Jay Leno "I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees." –Jay Leno

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.

General George S. Patton

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.

Stephen R. Covey

+ General JokeHow Canadian women can fight terrorism As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless Canada!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Be prepared
Find a service that you can contact before you arrive in your chosen destination area that will give you a "Heads Up" about the area. Such a service should be able to give you maps, door-to-door directions, area attraction brochures, as well as set up reservations for transportation, dining, lodging, tours and local attractions.

The difference between extraordinary people and ordinary people is a simple as the difference between the two words. Extraordinary people are committed to doing the extra things that ordinary people won't.

Christine Kinney

When I had my surgery, the doctor gave me a local anesthetic. I could not afford the imported kind.

QUOTE: Success, Emerson
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”

“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”

Conserve Water
To conserve water: Do not run water while brushing your teeth. It is unnecessary to waste water while brushing your teeth. Only run the water when rinsing your brush. It is a habit one can acquire easily and can be done for the rest of your life!

An idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”

“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”

10 tips for Better Bunker Play
Here are some things to keep in mind to better your bunker play:

1) Keep an open stance

2) Ball should be positioned ahead of center of lead foot

3) Feet dug into sand to anchor; toes are deeper than heels

4) Choke down on grip to adjust for buried feet

5) Take grip with clubface open

6) Swing club back to a position that has the lead arm parallel with the ground with the wrists fully cocked

7) Hit 2 inches behind the ball

8) Accelerate through the shot

9) Practice is critical

WE MUST BE THANKFUL FOR ...
By M. Raymond Sheppard

We must be thankful for the offer and willingness to help, not the outcome.
We must be thankful for the challenges, not just the successes,
We must be thankful for the spirited debate, not just the resolution,
We must be thankful for the child that tries to cheer us up when we are down and the child that tries to help another child, not just the child that does his/her chores,
We must be thankful not just for what the Creator has done, but what he/she hasn't done,
We must be thankful for our trails and tribulations, not just our glorious victories,
We must be thankful for the clothes on our back, and not ungrateful for the style they lack.
We must be thankful for the $10 we might have today that we didn't have yesterday, and let go of the fact that we did not get the thousand we wanted,
We must be thankful for the hug our loved one gave to us, although they did not say they loved us,
We must be thankful for the meal we had today, and not dwell on the one we might have dreamed of,
We must be thankful for the job we have now, not just the one we might get or wished we had,
We must be thankful for that friend that is with us and supports us, not just the best friend that isn't there,
We must be thankful for the survivors of natural catastrophes, and be thankful for the memory of those we might have lost,
We must be thankful for all things.

2010-03-03T02:45:00.000-08:00

Underwater castle, evil girl lives opposite us
6:25pm || 4 February 2010
Part of this dream was good and part of it was bad. I remember we were on some adventure, there was me and 2 other guys. I found myself in a tight rope situation and was suddenly tied up by the enemy both hands up and then one of my friends comes and throws like a sharp object could hav been a sword and it cutted the ropes and my hadsn were free. We ran and then suddenly we were swimming in ocean water. I said I was going this way underwater and they parted off. WTH I was like a living fish I could breathe so long underwater wifout anything and I went so deep and explored the ocean water and to my amazement found this floating castle in the water. It looked like the UQ forgan smith building but with actual castle tops, very princess like. I entered a door between 2 pillars and it was actually a secret one entrance that involved magic coz once I went thru I was dry automatically and was on land in the castle. SO weird but there was no one around. I went to the left a bit and there was just open garden land and trees sooo pretty and the sun was shining it was mid to late afternoon. I felt like I was back in Jane Austen times. Decided that wasn't the place I wanted to go, I was searching for people so I went back right and continue on the path and then decided to go up some stairs. Then I bumped into a maid or servant I think? and they took me to this room thru white doors and inside it was like a normal play room. Wooden floor layering and plenty of babies and toddlers playing and fooling around. The oldest would have been about 4 or 5ish. And I had a really good time. I had no idea the castle was belonged to them and he said he was the prince master.
2nd part of this dream: Man I was spooked outta my pants in this one. Setting is our old house at Carindale and we had evil witches and such living just opposite at that renovating house, it has like a blue roof and white brick house. So one day I look out from upstairs living room and stare into their house, there was a girl who stood up against the back fence of the house and her eyes would turn red and her hair will be blowing and it was like she was staring at me like she wanted to kill me. She wasn't wearing exactly a black dress more like a floral dress. When her eyes turn red it felt as if I was hit my her power from her red eyes that I flew back a bit and landed on my back, I just fell down. It was soo scary. What is odd about this is its taking place like in mid day. She just had herself backed up against the wall and in a normal stance.
Another day I would get my brother to look out and tell me to stare into that house and look at the girl, he didn't believe me and instead he screamed out RIHANNA and I was like WTH? There was no girl there, but from where he looked he wasn't even facing the fence. When I ask my brother whether he knows anything about those people he tells me yea they are weird coz they at 7:30am in the morning have there lights on already. Then one day we decided to go over with my family to talk to them and find out what they get up to. I was so scared that I didn't even wanna go with them to talk but then I was like hey they are with me. Turns out they are witch students and there are 4 girls and their mum. They were really nice and showed us some of their spells and chants, they sat in a circle at the front of the house and just linked hands and had their whole peace of mind and eyes closed. Turns out that girl was just practicing by backing up against the wall saying it gives her energy.

The Treasure hunter inspired dream hands down
4:07pm || 9 February 2010
Yup the title says it all. It was really a treasure hunt this quest we went on. There was me, Ray and mum on this mission. It was like a open temple for pray and one of the rooms had so many little buddhas statue with a box supplied at each one all around the room. In each of the stations with the buddha, he has a box where you can see buttons, sequences and a whole lotta other embrodiery material, stones jewels very used but. And gold would be produced sometimes it's very small and hard to see or tell whether it is the real thing or not other times it appears quite big. It comes outta the buddha's hand that is emgraved pic inside the centre of the box itself. Very funny we had an idea, to make it much easier and why don't people just take all the gems and stuff outta the box and then just watch for when the gold appears. Other ideas were coz every box was different some had much more gems and jewels then others it would be harder to find, coz there u had to do a lotta shuffling around the box even between the gems and jewels to find the actual gold, coz some are soo fine people overlook it. You also can't just stand at one station all day, you had to move around coz some stations are more lucky than others, will have more at a time than say the one at the corner. I found some but they were really small.

~+~January Dreams~+~

2010-02-03T04:00:00.000-08:00

Both Angelas again doing the round up back flip?
8:02am || 2 January 2010

Unbelievable, what a dream it was. One part of the dream was that one angela as we were heading out of the school gate, demonstarted to me how to do the back flip and when I saw it it was perfect and I'm thinking when did she learn that. I kept asking where you go to learn that but she just kept laughing and didn't say anything. Another dream was getting my turn and remember being in a toilet

I am like a spy in a movie again?
9:47pm || 5 January 2010

I am like a secret agent of some sort and I play behind the scenes, I am like the spy and on a mission to protect someone? This person looks so similar to me, almost like an identical twin but not, had short hair, was like I was spying on her in this spacecraft, and I knew someone was after to catch her, some really weird looking guy but a monster face?? I was in the same room, of this spacecraft and I was overlooking everything, I was like rite next to them and they had no clue and could not hear or smell that I was right in front of them. So weird. I don't know what she was doing in that room, but judging by her movements, she was looking for something but obviously totally unaware that someone was after her. Then she left and I was like I sense something is really wrong. Someone came moments later she left, the monster scary looking dude, the aircraft and didn't stay to long the beast either and quickly headed off.

Then we are at another scene, outdoor, outside it was like a snow skating rink. Funny it wasn't cold for me but I secured my place as the onlooker from behind the hilly white snows. The girl was just skating I believe, doing nofing much and then the monster appears suddenly behind her, she didn't even notice, he was racing coming up really quickly behind her. So scary I was scared for the girl, I tried to scream, don't know if they would hear me or if I lurred the monster in for myself, anyway I needed to do something fast and get her attention knowing there is a beast heading straight for her. I yelled to get her attention something like 'watch out' 'behind you' I shouted and she turned and noticed me and the monster running towards her. Suddenly something appeared out of nowhere, it was like a spirit stick with magical powers just blasted from ice near her, I think it came from below the ice on the rink. Anyway it was her chance and so she grabed the stick and threw it towards the monster. I couldn't believe it, it was a good throw and caused sick ass damage. Then I can't remember anything else. Maybe a huge flash of light. Had no idea what happened next.

parachutes, emo girl
4:15pm || 7 January 2010

OMGee. This was a good dream but not good. We had class but then outside we could see the beautiful ocean and beachside front. WTH we came out and saw all these parachutes falling from the sky everywhere, some failed to open but most did and people were landing on the water. I had no idea wat on earth was going on. Maybe this dream was triggered by air crash investigation? I iono. I clearly remembered someone saying to me, I think it was high school Rachel, during the time I was out of class. It was weird everyone in class was in a dark room and suddenly you come out and you're blessed with beautiful scenes and wind and nice sunshine. I think it may have been Rachel who told me this: there is this smart girl, a big scholarship winner, good grades etc and everyone loves her, and she has turned emo. Nobody wants to be around her, she is dangerous. She is now a rebel and do very evil things. I asked questions like has anyone seem her and talked to her? No she said and she didn't even know. I didn't know whether to believe her or not, but the way she told me this fact was really freaking me out inside the dream. Man I was real scared.

dinner with hk celebs, lunch with random mates? planes and lollies
10:54am || 8 January 2010

OMGee. How can I remember this dream.. oh yea coz I slept in so late. Anywho at least it wasn't creepy. Man I did talk a lot in this dream. Well I clearly remember having dinner with hong kong celebrities at some high class fancy restaurant, kinda like the style tat was at The Mariot Hotel. Pretty awesome. It was as big as tat. Can't remember how I was dressed but I think casual smart, coz I remember there were a few who were in extremely strictly evening wear and dresses, or mayb it was cocktail style anyway tat was not my centre of attention. My centre of attention were all the celebrities. I was seated with mum and some other guests and like directly opposite me was Charlene Choi and Joey Yung both from EEG. We were eating entree and chatting. I got so excited coz not only was I in a place surrounded by celebs and only for them to eat but I ws meeting my idol Ah Sa. So I got pretty busy with the questions. I was throwing alot of questions towards joey yung for some reason and don't remember any going towards Ah Sa. Ok So I was saying to her, I'm following you on twitter? Do you have twitter? Is it really you on twitter? She goes no I don't have a twitter.. it's a fake. I'm like really? That means someone is faking you. Then she goes its a joke. I was like well I'm also following bernice liu, is it the real her on twitter? Is she here tonight. Then I say I'm following Samuel Chan and I know for real that is his twitter. I tried to remember some other people as well but and thought of denise ho, but didn't get a chance to ask. We all headed out.. for some reason and I just followed. On the way out I saw Samuel Chan he was at another table with another mate. When we went back in the room I was seated not with my mum this time but next to Charlene at another different table and she was next to Joey of course. She was constantly chatting to Joey and I was trying to get her attention. I had no idea what everything or everyone was doing. What was going on. We were getting served our main course. Seems to me it was just potatoes?? Anywayz I was like to Charlene wacking her shoulder saying how come you don't have a twitter? Everyone in HK who is famous is on it, you should get one. She still ignored me. Then turned around to me confirming the meal we were getting.

Part 2 of the dream was this. We were having a picnic on grass next to a main road, well really close to it. Before that we collected some food and then I had to find my group to sit at and ended up with the mixed friends group. Like the group consisted of my life friends I've been in contact with since I was very little or older. I remember there were 2 people that were clear to me in this group. That was Jeremy F from primary school and Winnie L from church. Winnie was next to me on the rite and Jeremy was directly opposite. I had some lollies with me in a bucket, and I had to of them so I passed them around. I noticed Winnie and her friends which I didn't know were scattering digging rite to the bottom of the box to get the good lollies.. I didn't know they were after the good ones, which were at the bottom. Not long after there were a whole heap of planes normal economical planes coming at the same time going really fast and heading rite all in the same direction. We could see them from really far away. They were all so bunched up together coming towards us but they weren't when they got even closer. I was like how come they don't just crash into each other since they r so close. Anyway they all zoomed passed us and continued rite, following the highway. There was a slightly smaller one that went straight into the truck that was on the highway in front of our eyes. I thought it was real and when I mentioned it to Winnie, she was too busy looking and following and getting all amazed at them flying so fast. But I swear, mayb they hadn't noticed but I thought it really happened, coz I saw a ditch in the back of that truck. Tat's all I can remember.

Right we are children again and building stuff
9:38am || 11 January 2010

I was in a team of me, some dude and another girl. In another team was my bro and aaron. 3 against 2 must me coz we suck maybe? We were like playing on 2 mats outside on a street, well sorta, like a path. It was night time. Why the hell were we playing outside on the street like this?? Anywho we raced the other team to complete a puzzle well wasn't a puzzle piece but building a toy. Don't know how many rounds we went through but I think at one of the hardest rounds we had ours was like a puppy dog and theirs was a batmobile. LOL Ours turned out soo kool coz once we finished and we knew it was correct because once u placed the last piece into place the light inside it turned on. And you could see there were people and like a doll house happening inside. I put the final piece in. Really funny coz to actually put the pieces together you had to work on another board and place pieces into that first. So it was like a puzzle within a much larger puzzle. Anywho mayb inspired by Survivor when they were placing puzzle pieces into the right shaped whole.

Fake drill before plane crashed
9:29am || 16 January 2010

Right I was in the car on the road and next to us was the ocean, we were like at a doc or something. I heard a really loud sound coming towards us and I looked out the window and saw a jet star plane (small one) diving down towards the water it almost was gonna go nose first but at last minute it managed to pull up its nose and continue up in the sky on its journey. I was like totally amazed it wasn't even a real one it was one of them fake ones coz they were going thru drill and training. But very good they didn't crash they knew what to do. Then moments later there was another plane it was a quantas and guess what it went straight down into the water. I was shocked. Then it floated back up on shore. And the crew people started the evacuation and opened mini boats at the doorways on the water.

Fake drill before plane crashed
11:04am || 20 January 2010

Went to bed late and didn't wake up till 10am. Thankfully there is a plus, since I was really tired from the workout yesterday, I had a deep sleep and was able to dream. I can remember quite a lot of details this time. Ok so I was shopping with parents and another of her friends and their children. The location could have been Cairns. We were in like this shopping centre that was casino feelish. Like Conrad Jupiters style. We stopped at the food courts and couldn't really decide what to eat. So we went back and fourth, then we stoped at a milk shake place and they ordered one for one of the kids. I was getting really bored and so I took off and said I'd call them later and I will just be walking around having a shop myself. I went to this place and I noticed there was a sizzler here. It looked really nice. Then I saw lifts and stairs next to each other. I waited there and when I went on it I didn't realize it was going down, so went it reached the bottom, I was like nope and stayed on and then the lift went up again, and picked up a bunch of european girls. They were on some holiday or something. Then I followed them onto another lift and got into the car with them. Before I even knew where they were heading I was asking where are you going? They said domestic airport, I was like what the hell I don't need to go there, I'm supposed to stay in the shopping centre. Turns out they were not going to the airport instead to their home. Inside I can't fully remember the details but we shifted chairs and tables and the subject of anatomy was bought up. Yea I know outta all the topics they had to pic anatomy. lol Then I remember speaking to Mandy, although wasn't really sure if it was her. We were in like a surburban dump and her dad was on top of all this rubbish standing next to his jet fighter plane that was painted to army wear. There was a twin jet beside his one. I was like what is your dad doing? Her dad was like someday mandy is gonna take you up on this, so you can get a real thrill!

Angela Dancing and guitar breaking, praying?
1:01pm || 24 January 2010

Right I totally remembered I was in my room, door closed and I was about to practice guitar when I pulled it out from my wardrobe and I noticed a 2 strings were really loose and also that the handle was snapped and broken. I was shocked how could this happen. Told dad how can we fix this and I was like OMG now I can't play for a long time and was like this is only like a year old guitar what the hell? I panicked and was like thank god I didn't really break the guitar in reality. Another part of the dream was just way weird. We were having another picnic yep on the grass beside the dock, I just can't understand why all these dreams are about bayside water and oh yes its coz holidays.. haha Me and Angela S were going to take a tour at the underwater walk where there were glass windows and fishes and all sorts of marine life you could see. Then we ended up at this weird pray ceremony even worst it was in a tight crammed place like the staircase in the movie My neighbour totoro. So wicked. and there were candles lid alll around as well. Ok this is getting way too weird.

Cairns Nightmare dream
10:18am || 31 January 2010

This dream was pretty much our trip to cairns gone wrong. Brisbane was just next to cairns and only separated by ocean water. Very scary because our adventure in cairns was turned into not being able to come back to Brisbane. Connecting Brisbane to Cairns was this one highway and it sank, broke down. It just divided and wasn't strong and there were police patrolling cars and boats coz some people were over hanging over the bridge and almost cars going down and trucks into the water. We had no idea how it happened. But apparently Cairns was turning not into a holiday destination but an unsafe sinking island. We went back into the heart of the cairns city and it looked like las vegas only there was no body there, everyone had just disappeared and we were quite shocked coz we didn't know where to go, if we couldn't go back to brisbane this way. We panicked coz we just had no idea of how to get home. We looked for helicopters and we managed to book one back in time. With me were the usual cairns holiday people my family excluding bro and grandparents. So scary coz upon arriving at the beach at brisbane, we crashed, how on earth did I know I crashed and died? Must of been my soul still living and witnessing.

Anywho there was plan B and we noticed some people used the skyrail flying boat to cross to cairns, from brisbane, we weren't so sure whether to take that root back. There were a few people who tried to walk across this narrow sand trail back to brisbane, but wat happens during high tied, too unsafe. At last we found our solution. Pay tickets for a speed boat, we went to the dock and everyone on had blue wrist bands and the lady doing the check in was like we can only take a few more. There was way too many people on the speed boat but luckily my mum wipped money at her and she gave us wrist bands, and so we were lucky to be able to get on. Once the boat left for brisbane we were at the scene at the broken bridge to brisbane and we saw this rescue boat had to help this guy who jumped into the water. Anywho I remembered flying past all this horrific scene of the traffic jam and I landed more towards the inner city area. I have no idea how I was flying.

Another section to this dream was I was with Christina and we were going to a lecture room and I had this massive cello, not violin as I got confused with and I couldn't bring it in so the dude told me to leave it outside and so I stood it outside.

Angela Dancing and guitar breaking, praying?
1:01pm || 1 February 2010

Right I totally remembered I was in my room, door closed and I was about to practice guitar when I pulled it out from my wardrobe and I noticed a 2 strings were really loose and also that the handle was snapped and broken. I was shocked how could this happen. Told dad how can we fix this and I was like OMG now I can't play for a long time and was like this is only like a year old guitar what the hell? I panicked and was like thank god I didn't really break the guitar in reality. Another part of the dream was just way weird. We were having another picnic yep on the grass beside the dock, I just can't understand why all these dreams are about bayside water and oh yes its coz holidays.. haha Me and Angela S were going to take a tour at the underwater walk where there were glass windows and fishes and all sorts of marine life you could see. Then we ended up at this weird pray ceremony even worst it was in a tight crammed place like the staircase in the movie My neighbour totoro. So wicked. and there were candles lid alll around as well. Ok this is getting way too weird.

2 dreams in one night thingy
9:47am || 2 February 2010

First one was I was either watching it on tele or actually standing in front of all these people at the front of the lecture room. So it was this game show thingy, well not really it was battle of the minds, event called mind challenge. There were 3 teams and they all sat in their blocks and each block had like 1000 people in it, how on earth did they manage to sit them all down without crowding or stepping over each other. I wouldn't know but people their looked like seniors from high school, by their white uniforms.

Part 2 of dream was dead weird. I was in the dressing room and was asked to put on this ancient Chinese costume and pretend to be someone else, ur royal highness I suppose who knew I was actually being hunted, mayb I was a princess I don't know. Well anyway I was putting on the head gear which was my long hair and it was like orange and blondy wig thingy and I had no idea how to put it on but then some lady came over and helped me put it into place and then straighten it out, there was tonnes braids and they were all loose and needed to be pinned up and ringed near the top. Once I was done I had to walk outside and outside was this nice chinese garden and their was a bridge and all stones and plants and trees around, before I knew it someone caught me and tried to attack me and I was like no I am not the person you are looking for. Before I knew what next I was knocked out and dead?

Panda chermside, piglet chasing me and excercise
8:59am || 3 February 2010

Hmm this was bad and evil dream I'd say. Panda and I were gonna meet at chermside bus stop. But then I forgot about other things I had to do and totally forgot I had told her I'd meet her there. So I quickly texted back and she got it in time and said it's ok. Based on a real life case that was. I felt really bad and kinda worried. I was scared in this other part of the dream which I was running in the dark in ovals and ovals that connected to each other. Then me and someone else was playing this ball game which just required us to throw it to each other and somehow she was able to throw so long over away and it just kept on rolling and rolling and I was chasing after it and it seemed like forever, then it was caught under a car on the highway or a truck perhaps and I was on the path rite next to it hoping it will roll back in, and the piglet snatched it somehow as it was coming towards the side line and we returned back. Another time I remember getting the ball but then the piglet will stare at me for no reason and I had to race it back to return the ball to the next person. I was running up hills small ones but there were many. That piglet was scary it was like grey and looked like babe.

2010-02-03T03:52:00.000-08:00

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

Sir Winston Churchill

Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.

One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.

The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.

"Why are you spending so much time doing that?" the first man asked.

"I'll tell you," the second man said. "This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote."

miscellaneous
Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

Your past is not your potential. In any hour you can choose to liberate the future.

Marilyn Ferguson

An idiot called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” he asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" he said and hung up.

QUOTE: Kahlil Gibran
"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."

-Kahlil Gibran

In looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don't have the first, the other two will kill you.

Warren Buffet

+ General JokeToday, Ping Golf announced it is signing Ms. Woods to an multi-million dollar naming and endorsement deal for it’s new line of women’s fairway woods. Their new slogan; “Elin Woods – clubs you can beat Tiger with.”

Falling feels like flying, for a little while.-Jeff Bridges

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "Whatl be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

Intelligence
f I had 6 hours to cut down a tree I would spend 4 hours sharpening the axe.?br />
- Abraham Lincoln -

An unwritten want is a wish, a dream, a never-happen. The day you put your goal in writing is the day it becomes a commitment that will change your life. Are you ready?

Tom Hopkins

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

"Most men lead quiet lives of desperation"

~Henry Thoreou

A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donuts. He says. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” The girl says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” The guy says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.”

famous quote
“The only real valuable thing is intuition.”

Albert Einstein

+ General JokeBarack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles. "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know sh1t?"

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Life's little struggles
In life take the road less traveled, as it may be full of trials and tribulations but the reward is far greater once reaching your final destination.

They say that married men live longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

Control
In this world it is not what we take up but what we give up that makes us right!

Ability is what you're capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
Lou Holtz

+ General JokeTen Indications of a New Year Hangover:- - You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to"Stay still."- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.- sThe bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"- You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.- You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible prayingin a fetal position.- Your catch phrase is, "Never again."- You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.- Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.

“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”

Master "Patience"

Patience is a hard thing to learn but when you master it; a whole new and wonderful world is opened to you.

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.

Anatole France

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?

A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.

Ball games
I have played Soccer, Tennis, Cricket, Squash, Badminton and the 3 most useful tips that were given to me were: -

- Put all you have into looking for a spot or other such marking on the ball until it leaves your racquet or bat ~ this prevents you taking your eye off the ball.

- It抯 never over 'til it's over ~ no matter what the score is' keep cool and keep up your effort ~ don't let your shoulders drop.

- Keep your cool and don't be tempted to try too hard, 95% of mistakes are caused by trying too hard. You must practice everyday until you are able to relax and let your body do what it wants to do.

What brought these to my attention, and were emphasized in a Bob Harman tennis book, was that I played my best tennis shots when we were knocking up, when the service was out and other such stress free moments.

You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you. If you don't have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you'll stop at the first giant hurdle.

George Lucas

2010-02-03T03:46:00.000-08:00

It is difficult to know what counts in the world. Most of us count credits, honor, dollars. But at the bulging center of mid-life, I am beginning to see that the things that really matter take place not in the boardrooms, but in the kitchens of the world.

Gary Allen Sledge

+ General JokeHow nations deal with terrorist threats The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "P1ssed Off" to "Let's get the B3stards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

IS THIS THE PATH OF THE FUTURE?
At one time it was believed that if a better mousetrap were invented, the world would beat a path to the inventor’s door; this is not true today; if a better mousetrap were invented today, the inventor would also need a better infomercial for late night TV.

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails

Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook

"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son

"All except you and mom" the Son replied

"But why" Father angrily shouted

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony!" the Son pleaded.

Another of Sam's
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper that it's written on"

- Samuel Goldwyn -

Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worth while achievement.

Henry Ford

+ General JokeA teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. '"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.

"My dad died," the boy replied.

"That's terrible, when did it happen?"

"Five years ago," the boy said.

"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"

"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

Words
Keep your words soft and sweet.......You may eat them some day.

Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.

Douglas Jerrould

There has never been a better time to saddle the naked ambition of the entrepreneur. - Venture Capitalist Tim Draper, 1996 Reminder: Free reading of new musical comedy "Dot Comet" today (Monday 1/18) at 4pm Woolly Mammoth Theater641 D St. NW Washington, DC

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Appreciating differences
In an emotionally developed family, differences between family members are not only appreciated but also encouraged. Consequently, if one member of the family wants to do something that the others have never done before, they are open to the idea without being critical. Being open to new ideas and experiences allows the family unit to grow and have the greatest emotional development.

Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

An Irish Toast
May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live

A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. “He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail.”

Break ups
The hardest thing about breaking up is not the point that its over,

but the reason why it's over!

General JokeIt is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit ches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.

“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”

“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

We need sleep!
By Cathryn Conroy, Netscape News Editor

...you could be sleep deprived and putting yourself at risk for an early death. That stunning conclusion was reached by researchers at Penn State College of Medicine, who determined that when we get just six hours of sleep a night, we are actually sleep deprived. And sleep deprivation not only makes us sleepy during the day and decreases our productivity and performance levels, but also promotes the potentially dangerous process of inflammation. Inflammation of this sort can lead to a variety of problems, including heart disease and hardening of the arteries, reports WebMD.

Previous studies have examined the effects of severe sleep deprivation, which is five hours or less of sleep. This one looked at the effects of modest sleep restriction, something that many people live with day in and day out in order to meet the pressing demands of work and family. The levels of inflammatory factors skyrocketed in the 25 study volunteers--who spent 12 consecutive nights in a sleep laboratory--when they had just six hours of sleep, compared with eight hours. So when you pass up sleep to watch more television, talk to your spouse, or clean the house, you are putting yourself at risk for cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis.

2010-02-03T03:40:00.000-08:00

Love is like the perfect Rubix Cube. There are countless number of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it.

Brian Cramer

+ General JokeObama is proud of his Cash for Clunkers program. It basically let you sell your car to the government for gas money. Now there is talk in Congress about bringing it back as an add on to their univeral healthcare plan and expanding it. With thatin mind, let's take a look at how the Obama Clunker program might work on its next go round. Signs of an Obama Clunker • You have to reset the car clock after you use the cigarette lighter. • You just roll down the car windows for air conditioning. • You go to Coin Star so you can make your car and insurance payments. • You start using the phrase "General Motors" as a curse. • You start referring to GM as Government Motors. • You keep emergency sneakers in the car trunk for those inevitable walks home. • Your Obama clunker appears on the TV series Operation Repo, with a recurring role. • You had to cut the Club the Obama clunker came with off of the steering wheel. • You have to read map directions using the car's Check Engine light. • You spot tow trucks following your Obama clunker on the highway. • You double your car's Blue Book value whenever you fill the gas tank. • Your car insurance policy requires that you wear a helmet while driving. • You always carry duct tape in the car's glove compartment. • You have a bumper sticker for the local homeless shelter. • Your car radio only gets National Public Radio. • When hitchhikers see you, they put their thumbs down. • If you try to donate your car to charity, they give it right back. • Your car was featured on the cover of Lemon Law Magazine. • If they can't repair your clunker's brakes, they'll make your horn louder. • The tires keep getting rotated until they're back where they started. • You'll have to buy your car insurance from the federal government. • But your Obama auto insurance will cover you in all 57 states. • Your automobile insurance won't cover the types of accidents you're most likely to have.

Become
What we think, we become. --Buddha

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really know what perect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Mark Twain

Take your Vitamins
Taking a multivitamin daily could help slow arterial aging. Both vitamin C and vitamin E appear to be important to the health of your arteries. Studies show that adequate intakes of these antioxidant vitamins are associated with a significant reduction of arterial disease. Try to get about 400 IU of vitamin E per day and about 1,200 milligrams of vitamin C per day through food and vitamin supplements.

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

The future belongs to the risk takers, not the security seekers. The more you seek security, the less of it you will have and the more you pursue opportunity, the more security you will achieve.

Brian Tracy

Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.-Karl Marx

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”

“Ever since I was a kid.”

Keep on fighting the good fight!
It is better to have fought and lost.... than to not fight at all!

Good luck on the business battlefield!!!

General JokeA little late, but you get the gist.. Break out the whiskey and shot glasses -- it's time for President Obama's first official State of the Union Address. As you know, the Constitution requires that from time to time, the president shall give to the Congress information on the State of the Union, which is bestdigested by the citizenry while completely hammered. Thus...Joe Wilson yells something - Do two shotsObama yells back - Finish the bottle Obama says "jobs" - Do one shot, two if you're unemployedObama says "health care" - Do not drink, you will not be given a replacement liverNancy Pelosi claps like a seal - Do one shotNancy Pelosi becomes a seal - STOP DRINKING FOR THE LOVE OF GODObama mentions Bo - Put beer in your dog's water bowlObama uses the term "Congressional leadership" - Do two shotscarefully as all that laughing will make it difficult to swallowObama says he's "fighting for you" - Do one shot, two if you believe him

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”

Dealing with Envy
Men never throw sticks at trees that do not have fruit on them

- Old Chinese Proverb -

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

Our Children Are Watching
You're teaching a lesson each day that you live;

Your actions are blazing a trail

That children will follow for good or for ill;

You can help them or cause them to fail.

- Bosch -

The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet.

Theodore M. Hesburgh

General JokeLarry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is."

The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."

Honor
No person was ever honored for what he received.

Honor has been the reward for what he gave.

- Calvin Coolidge

If you don't like something change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain.
Maya Angelou

was going to tell you the joke about the pencil, but there's really no point to it.

On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.

Aldous Huxley

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.-Ralph Waldo Emerson RIP Dr. Harold Fink 1918-2010 Memorial Service 12:30 pm Weds. The Plaza 630 Amsterdam Ave (91st).

Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

Antioxidant rich spice
Another herb that is antioxidant-rich is rosemary. According to research, rosemary contains powerful antioxidants that may help to inhibit free radical damage to cells. Rosemary was been revealed to have even greater health benefits than paprika. Using rosemary to season fish, vegetables, egg-white omelets, and salads will give your system an antioxidant boost.

If you treat an individual ... as if he were what he ought to be, and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.

Continuing Education
Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.

Abigail Adams, 1780

Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!" The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!" The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"

Free thought
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

--Tom Robbins

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Cranking Down the Volume
Playing your tunes more softly during rush hour traffic might decrease your tension in the car. Cranking up the volume of your music may increase your tension while driving. A recent study showed that college students listening to three different amplitudes of music were more likely to have higher heart rates the higher the volume went and vice versa for lowering the volume. Hence, softly played music may sooth the savage beast during rush hour madness.

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”

“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”

The castles of our life
"Life can be like those castles that were once thought impenetrable. No matter how hard it may seem, no matter what the odds are, you can always over come it."

2010-01-05T04:32:00.003-08:00

Be Careful What You Say
If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like.

We can throw stones,
complain about them,
stumble on them,
climb over them,
or build with them.

William Arthur Ward

From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!

- John Cameron Mitchell
Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

A. It's pasture bed time (past your)

Sucess in future
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....

"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

Stay safe in a thunderstorm
1. Be aware that lightning can follow electrical wires and phone lines.

2. If you can hear thunder, you are within striking distance.

3. If you are driving during a thunderstorm, you should stay in your car with the windows closed

4. You shouldn’t take a shower, wash dishes or do laundry.

5. If you are swimming or boating when a storm starts, head for shore immediately.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

Immunizations
You should get your child immunized to help protect them against dangerous diseases. Most state laws in the U.S. require your child to be immunized before starting their schooling. To be sure check with your local health department or doctor for the recommended schedule for shots.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,

being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,

And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the

Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned

on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Don't fear the new family
Never believe in what people tell you about the core family. There are no natural constellations that are better than others. Instead always look to the best of yourself or your children. Remember, a non-traditional family living in harmony is always better than a traditional family where your children or you suffer. Two mothers, two fathers, new mother, new father - the only thing that matters is a safe, positive environment for you and your children.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.  Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Albert Schwietzer
+ General Joke
An Irishman applied for a job with a blacksmith, who asked him,
"Do you know anything about shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied, "No, but I once told a donkey to f*&k off."

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

Self worth
I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

Ayn Rand, Anthem, 1946
Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Minor burns
If you have a minor burn peel a potatoe take the skins of the potatoe and rub the peeled side to your skin.

+ General Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

Tibetan Buddhism Wisdom
When a strong wind blows, the clouds vanish and blue sky appears. Similarly, when the powerful wisdom that understands the nature of the mind arises, the dark clouds of ego disappear. Beyond the ego – the agitated, uncontrolled mind – lie everlasting peace and satisfaction.

– Lama Thubten Yeshe

A woman is like a tea bag -
you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

sick in Bed
When your child gets sick, he/she really needs you to be there for them. They really need their parents for comfort at the onslaught of an illness. Spending a night rocking your child to sleep will make you preciously aware of what parenting is all about.

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

Just start
If you think to do something, you have to chalk out a plan first, but that’s not all. You have to start that as early as possible. Remember this, if you desire to build a multistoried building, you need not to manage everything at a time. You have to do step by step.

2010-01-05T04:32:00.001-08:00

Lowering Blood Pressure
If your blood pressure is rising try meditation. A recent study shows that meditation can be a helpful complement to treatment for people with stress-induced high blood pressure. The study shows that men who practiced meditation decreased their systolic blood pressure by about 12mm Hg, and women lowered their systolic pressure with meditation by about 10 mm Hg

For specifics as to how to meditate select WisdomTip.com tip # 8 under the category "meditation"

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.

This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.

He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

FACTS
"What you call a fact depends on the theory you bring to it."

- Albert Einstein –

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

+ General Joke
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"

Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"

Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
Doubts in marriage
If you begin to have doubts about marriage, play the film/video of your wedding backwards and see yourself walk out a free man and see how it feels.

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.

The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.

Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.

The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

In my son's eyes.
I would be everything in life that I ever wanted to be, if I could be half as what my little boy thinks I am.

- JWD –

General Joke
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small

house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man

with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up

for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so

much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst

Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as

well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was

young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young

man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed

alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked

into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything

quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his

room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a

large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1:

Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old

man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the

boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he

did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2:

Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the

rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few

broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window

after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the

ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

An Irish Toast
May you be in heaven 10 seconds before the devil knows you’re dead.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Faith and doubt both are needed, not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.
Lillian Smith

+ General Joke
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was

very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said,

"Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that ! "Who are you look," and

couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his

puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought

you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the

store. The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to

himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really

attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers
her children!"

Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember
her," he thought but, MAYBE?. During one of the wild parties he had

been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran

from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you

the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk

and had this wild crazy s3x on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's

SCHOOL TEACHER!"

Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!

2010-01-05T04:31:00.001-08:00

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Hey! Thanks! Xaxa did the bass,drums and some rythm guitars,i then added more guitars,Dance drum loops,FX,Then Mixed and Mastered it!

Taking Wind Out Of The Sail.
Love loses its security when it subsists on flashbacks.

Whoever I am, or whatever I am doing ... some kind of excellence is within my reach.
John Gardner
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think

how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher. She's dead."

Go out and make a difference in your community.
You don't need endless time and perfect conditions.
Do it now. Do it today.
Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating.
Barbara Sher
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

Stars
All of the stars of the night remain in the depth of the daylight.

Rabindranath Tagore

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Cut Fat
Avoid the obvious such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats (i.e. pork, bacon, ham, salami, ribs and sausage). Dairy products such as cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream should be eaten in low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts. Most are available in lower fat versions such as substitute butter, fat free cheeses and mayonnaise. Thought for the day: Lean, mean, fat-burning machine…. Then be one!

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

Winston Churchill on Democracy
1) The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with an average voter.

2 Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others

+ General Joke
Each day a English college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke,
usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide
that the next time he does it, they're just going to get up and leave the
class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them
planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class
with, "Did you hear about the shortage of wh0res in Russia?" And sure enough
all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.

The professor shouts,
"Wait! The boat doesn't leave 'till Monday!"

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

THE INCURABLE ILLNESS
The perennial hypochondriac can be considered terminally ill of nothing.

Believe that problems do have answers, that they can be overcome, and that we can solve them.
Norman Vincent Peale
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

Learning
Any day you do not learn something new is a day you have wasted.

success
When you can see failure as an inspiration and success as an opportunity then you have learned the secret to success

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever. The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.
Sally Koch

2010-01-05T04:29:00.003-08:00

Friendship
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway

- JEROME CUNNINGS –

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.

Dale Carnegie

Your heart
Reach for tofu, the magnesium in this soy food prevents blood clots and high blood pressure.

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

When lightning strikes
If you are caught outdoors during a thunderstorm, follow the 30-30 rule. Seek a safer location immediately if the thunder occurs 30 seconds or less after the lightning. Once the storm has passed, wait at least 30 minutes after the last lightning flash before leaving the shelter.

A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?

“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”

The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”

Memory booster
Scientists have discovered that bushing your teeth with your opposite hand or driving to work a different way or even chewing gum is a form of mental exercise that increases blood flowing through your brain which helps to create and strengthen both brain lobes and the link between lobes.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

+ General Joke
Royal Doulton have decided not to issue a range of figurative Michael Jackson china

mugs.After the best efforts of their finest artists QA feel that they still cannot get

the nose right.

Humour is truth
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor

is truth.

- VICTOR BORGE –

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front

of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to

the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The

truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

Be Happy
Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.

I have just one day and I'm going to be happy in it

- GROUCHO MARX –

The Substitute Tooth Fairy

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook
+ General Joke
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big sh1t that he really was."

Hidden from View
“Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is known”

- Leonardo da Vinci –

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

Those That Have Little Curiosity
Some people seem to believe, that since curiosity killed the cat, that they might be next.

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.

You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

+ General Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Wealth
Wealth amounts in not having great possessions

but in having few wants.

- EPICURIS –

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

2010-01-05T04:29:00.001-08:00

Stress
We should not confuse/compare our situation with others (not to ask "Why only me" and get depressed). Every one of us is unique. Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us.

Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.

The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (if we can improve or just leave it if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)

Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

Forgiveness
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

-Alexander Pope,

ON LIFE
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

Nothing Is Everything
The fact that money isn’t everything is irrelevant, because nothing else is everything either, but money isn’t really a bad first step on the way towards everything.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims unless they develop a greater vision for their lives.
Stedman Graham
"A Mother's thought"
After raising 4 beautiful children, with lots of love, and all the frustrations, I came to realize they grow up in spite of you.

So relax and smile!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Ride on! Rough-shod if need be, smooth-shod if that will do, but ride on! Ride over all obstacles, and win the race!
Charles Dickens
Do it
Do, or do not. There is no try.

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

If you want a life with no bumps, you'll never learn how to take your lumps.
Kent Krive
Famous Quote
"Education is the Manifestation of the Perfection that is already in Man"

- Swami Vivekananda – SEND TO MANDYY UP TO HERE

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

A. Limp biscuit

On talking
Wise people talk because they have something to say,

fools because they have to say something

- PLATO –

Ecology Tips: Conserve and Preserve
Dress warm to use less heat.

Dress cool to use less air conditioning.

Close doors and windows tight, so heat or ac does not seep out.

Do not leave the refrigerator door open; decide what you want to eat before you open it!

Turn of lights and appliances right after you finish with them.

Take shorter showers or take baths instead of showers (you'll use less water)

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

+ General Joke
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of
the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the
way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do
you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back
again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was
going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!"
Good Balance is Vital
Good balance is vital to the success of a great golf shot. You need to balance yourself what i call 25/25/25/25. 25% on your heels, 25% on your toes, 25% on your back foot and 25% on your front foot. Without having balance throughout the swing you will lack consistency, which is so important in becoming a good player.

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Success
The dictionary is the only place where “success” comes before “work.”

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

My Turn
If your ideal holiday time is a fancy french dinner and his is a quiet evening at home by the fireplace, try not to get bent out of shape. Instead take turns on holidays on who gets to do what. Compromising is great for your relationship and also for stress free holidays.

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

Character
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision be cleared, ambition insured and success achieved."

Helen Keller

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

True Beauty....
True beauty comes from within. So search for it with your heart...instead of your eyes!

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

The Best Diet is no diet at all but a lifetime commitment to better choices!
Many studies have proven that all diets have a temporary effect! The secret to losing weight is to make permanent choices in what we do. Here we have some simple long term commitments:

• Commit to whole wheat bread

• Drink fruit juices instead of soft drinks

• Always select fruits as a dessert

• Start most meal with a large salad

• Use whole grains pasta, bread and rice

• Take longer to eat. It takes time for your body to send its satisfaction signal

• Always park your car far rather than near

• Use the stairs for anything less than 4 stories

• Think positively about all of the choices above.

Forming good habits is the answer to long term health!

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

There are only two options regarding commitment; you're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in-between.
Pat Riley
Opportunities are like sunrises - if you wait too long, you miss them.

William Arthur Ward

2010-01-05T04:28:00.001-08:00

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Im a fan of ur music
Such a wonderful and sunny day today and im stuck indoors doing my assignment …Stay strong
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Friends 4- ever
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out, also a Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"

Inequality Of Treatment
A fault in a loved one is no matter. The same fault in an enemy is an outrage.

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.

The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.

The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”

Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”

The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”

When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.

What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?

Let’s peal it back down stairs.

Self-deception
The fundamental factor of self-deception is this constant desire to be something in this world.

--J. Krishamurti

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.

The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.

What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.

What was your mother’s name before she was married?

None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.

Wanting More
For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;

the more knowledge, the more grief

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Happiness
Happiness is not the absence of conflict

but the ability to cope with it

- WAYNE DYER –

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Success
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

+ General Joke
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jock's forthcoming wedding.

‘Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception,
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed
smart in that!"

"And what's the tartin?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ..."

Be smart and think about it!
We don't see things as they are

We see them as we want them to be!

Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”

THE WRONG END OF THE BULL
In the latter stages of a bull-market, the market is most characterized by bull.

An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

+ General Joke
Not for the faint hearted...

My daughter wanted a puppy last Christmas. So I got her one.
I also explained to her specifically what I would do if she were to not
take good care of it as it grew older.

So here I am... nine months on... standing on the tow path listening to the
muffled cries and whimpers fade as I watch the squirming sack slowly
sinking to the bottom of the canal. I think to myself...

Maybe I have been too harsh on her this time.

Nevermind. Tomorrow I will find a new home for the puppy.

How to Putt Like a Pro
Putting makes up about 35-40% of your final score. If you usually shoot around 90, you likely average 34-36 putts a game. A Golf Pro on the P.G.A. usually takes 26-30 putts a round. To improve your putting, try this : Line up some coins in the form of a 4 inch wide pathway straight to the hole, 2ft. from the hole. You are putting through a 2 ft. long "tunnel", so to speak. Now, try and sink 9/10 putts from 2 ft. through this coin pathway, but, don't touch any. That is your goal - do not touch the coins. You'll soon find yourself sinking all of these putts on the practice green, and on the course too, building your confidence, and lowering your scores.

Mosquitoes Repellent
Rubbing a handful of fresh basil leaves on your skin should protect you from mosquitoes for a few hours. The herb does not contain hazardous chemicals and is less likely to cause skin irritations than the synthetic bug sprays.

Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

Confront fear head on!
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.

When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:

"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"

"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.

"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.

"Ja," replied the South African.

Protect Your Privacy
Know what information the merchant is collecting about you, how it will be used and if they share it with or sell it to others. You can do this by checking the web site to make sure there is a privacy policy posted, and that you're comfortable with the way your personal information is treated under that policy. Look for seals from privacy enforcement organizations like BrowserAccelerator.com, ValidatedSite.com, TrustGage.com, TRUSTe, BBBOnLine or WebTrust. Be cautious if you're asked to supply personal information not needed to make a purchase, such as your Social Security number or personal bank account information.

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”

“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”

“That is your first worry,” he replied.

Agenda for an efficient meeting
In the workplace, time is of the essence, and meetings can be the ultimate timewaster. How can you avoid wasting time and run the most efficient meetings possible?

Try these tips

- Start and finish the meeting on time. If there’s more to consider, plan the appropriate follow-up actions or schedule another meeting.

- At the close of the meeting, ask if participants are comfortable with the outcomes.

- Make sure all meeting participants know that you expect them to be on time and prepared to discuss their agenda items.

- Encourage everyone to speak up. Quieter people may have valuable contributions, but they may need some encouragement to share them.

- Provide a detailed agenda for each meeting. It should include topics for and the purpose of discussion, as well as a discussion leader and time allotment for each topic. Distribute the agenda a couple of days before the meeting so that meeting participants have time to prepare.

- Assign someone to take notes in each meeting. That way, decisions and follow-up action items are documented and can be circulated to the meeting’s participants.

- Determine which meetings are really necessary. If the objective of a meeting is to simply update others about ongoing projects, it might make more sense to send a memo or group e-mail, or to post the information on your company’s computer network. However, for in-depth discussions, meetings generally work best.

+ General Joke
I was listening to a radio report on the Jaycee Dugard affair. The
local sherrif gave a measured and sober account of the facts and then
finished with the sentence, "....and having investigated the situation
it is ma considered opinion that the guy is a complete whackjob."
I got to thinking is that an official category of suspect in his
jurisdiction? Then I thought, hey this is California we are talking
about - it is probably the most common category!

+ General Joke
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.?

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40
please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for
payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.?

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?'?

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the
back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with
the emu?'?

The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
bird with a big back-side and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

"The Bliss of Marriage"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution".

So who likes living in an institution?

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.
John D. Rockefeller III

2010-01-05T04:26:00.003-08:00

Benefits of soy
To improve cholesterol levels and better the heart, you can include soy in your diet. Preliminary reports suggest that soy may help dull pain.

In animal studies, moderate levels of phytoestrogens showed to reduce sensitivity to certain types of pain. Phytoestrogens are plant compounds that are found in high concentrations in soy and soy-based products. Including moderate amounts of soy in your diet may be helpful in reducing pain suffered by people with chronic, painful inflammation or swelling.

+ General Joke
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the
bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes
into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting
there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around

really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near

suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was

awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***.'

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

Mosquito repellent
Take one vitamin B complex twice a day starting in March; this will cause your pores to exude a scent that repels mosquitoes.

+ General Joke
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!"

The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

The One Common Denominator
If you are searching for the common denominator in your life, you are in luck. You are it. Now that you know you are the only consistent factor in any situation, you can begin to figure out how you are contributing to your recurring challenges and problems. This is great news because, once you realize you are at least part of the problem, you can begin to change your behavior, beliefs and attitudes that are contributing to the situation. Keep in mind that you have to concern yourself only with you, not with anyone else. You are the only one you can change. So don’t focus outside yourself. Focus on the common denominator. You will be amazed at the difference this process will make in your life.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

On Traveling:
"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might as well stay at home."

- James Michener

+ General Joke
Sun too hot, drinks too strong: bizarre British tourist complaints

OLIVER SMITH

September 21, 2009

Hot weather, strong alcohol and melting ice cream were among the most
bizarre complaints made by British holidaymakers this year, according to
one online travel agent.

Upon arrival in Portugal, one British family told Sunshine.co.uk of
their distress at the sunny weather and complained that they were too
“hot and sweaty” in their holiday clothes.

One man told staff of his irritation at the number of holidaymakers who
travelled with plain black suitcases, hindering his attempts to find his
own plain black suitcase on the airport conveyor belt.

After discovering that the shampoo in her luggage had leaked during her
flight, one woman bemoaned the fact that the hotel she was staying in
provided complimentary toiletries, rendering the entire incident “very
preventable”.

Another woman wrote in to complain that her plane journey was a
disappointment because the sky was far too cloudy, impeding the view for
her and her children and spoiling their game of eye-spy.

Following a trip to a local theme park, another woman wrote to the
travel agent to complain that the Log Flume ride made her feet wet and
the sun was so strong that her ice cream melted too quickly.

One couple criticised the excellent children's entertainment at their
resort – so good, in fact, that their children didn't want to spend any
time with their parents, while another couple claimed that the lunchtime
cocktails at their resort were surprisingly strong, leaving them rather
worse for wear during the afternoon.

“As much as we would like to guarantee that any problem will be dealt
accordingly to prevent it from happening again, the weather, the alcohol
being too strong, ice cream being too cold or planes flying too high are
unfortunately completely out of our control,” said a spokesman for
Sunshine.co.uk.

The Telegraph, London

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Protein diets
Protein may be causing you to pack on the pounds. One of the latest reports states that this might be true. A high intake of protein may lead to a high body mass index. For optimum health, limit your amount of protein intake to about 15% of your daily calories and use complex carbohydrates (fruits and vegetables) as your menu mainstay.

+ General Joke
A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding
Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny
yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an
exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the
husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are
female.....

+ General Joke
After his recent hole in one, Frank and his buddies were hanging out and
planning a 3-day golf outing.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't allow it.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally
frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf
resort to play golf, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the
lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?"

"I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last I night I slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, the wife snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her hands back,
she was standing there in beautiful see through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do
whatever you want'.....

SO, HERE I AM!"

+ General Joke
Swine Flu various..

I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers. Another is
that you get the trotts.

I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it
must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal
application of 'oinkment'. IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS
ITS ONLY SPAM.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1
neuraminidase protein 1.

Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going
to be cured anyway!

News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the
aporkalypse.

A new film is being planned, called "Aporkalypse Now", with Kevin Bacon in
the lead role.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure
when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then,
isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic,
don't believe the spam you're getting.

2010-01-05T04:26:00.001-08:00

Confront fear head on!
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

Be Happy always!
In Life……….

Shortcomings, Loss & Setbacks are INEVITABLE….

but…..

Suffering, Worry & Sadness are all OPTIONAL.

Be cheerful & happy always!!! Just take care of your health & family -

happiness will follow you wherever you go or be !!!
+ General Joke
These are actual comments made on student report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic
thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

Eating right
A number of foods are loaded with vitamin B-complex, folic acid, vitamins A and E, zinc, magnesium, iron, chromium, selenium, and essential fatty acids that add to your brainpower. To incorporate these elements into your diet is easy; all you have to do is eat. The best choices in food that include these elements are: sardines, herrings, shellfish, dried and sprouted beans, nuts, seeds, apples, apricots, black currents, carrots, bananas, liver, beets, celery, barley, brown rice, oats, kidney, lean beef, Brewer’s yeast, black strap molasses, wheat germ, basil, rosemary, ginger, and licorice. It is best to avoid foods high in sugar like baked goods and sodas, because they result in great fluctuations in blood-sugar levels, which causes breaks in your concentration and energy levels.

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

Living
When you conquer your fear of death, you will conquer your fear of living.

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.

Charles Caleb Colton

+ General Joke
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you b*stards who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you
b*stards who are getting on, get your a*s in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use
nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are
p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the
kitchen."

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

DO NOT BE A TALEBEARER
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GOSSIP OR LISTEN TO IT. SHE USED AN OLD SAYING THAT, "A DOG WHO WILL TAKE A BONE, WILL CARRY A BONE."

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.
Norman Vincent Peale
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.
-Alben William Barkley

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.

My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.

What does the M stand for?

Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Will Cuppy

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

Washing Sneakers?
If you blast some spray starch on sneakers before wearing them,

they will be easier to launder since the dirt won’t grind in. Wash them in

the machine and they’ll come out spanking clean!

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Realizing Goals
It is a defect in language that words suggest permanent realities and people do not see through this deception. But mere words cannot create reality. Thus people speak of a final goal and believe it is real, but it is a form of words and the goal as such is without substance. The one who realizes the emptiness of objects and concepts does not depend on words. Perfect wisdom is beyond definition, and pathlessness is the way to it.

The wise one treads this path for the direct realization of impermanence and for the direct realization of understanding. This, then, is perfect wisdom. Such a one should tread this path knowing that attachment and attractions are neither good nor harmful, even enlightenment is neither good nor harmful, because perfect wisdom is not meant to promote good or harm for that person. However, even though there is no intention of good or harm, it does confer endless blessing.

--Prajnaparamita

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.

Friends
Live your life so that you have friends you can always count on; and

live it so that you don't have to.

Vision
“If your only measure of value is color,

then you shall never appreciate the

transparency of diamonds.”

- Ameer Sadet Mahdy –

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"

2010-01-05T04:24:00.000-08:00

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Gratitude
Silent gratitude isn’t much good to anyone.

- Gladys Browyn Stern –

As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.
Denis Waitley
Be without
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

- Bertrand Russell

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Finding Balance
As we age our sense of balance changes. Observing older people changing from a sitting position to a standing position, you will notice that they move tentively, especially those with a sedentary lifestyle. Balance is very important to self-confidence and self-reliance regardless of age. Thus, practicing yoga has a wealth of benefits that improve your balance and improve your self-confidence.

+ General Joke
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the*_R_ ! *

We missed the*_R_ !

We missed the_R_ !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEB*RATE !!!'

You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you'll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.
Caroline Myss
Q: How do you get a Democrat to pay taxes?

A: Give them "Change" and "Hope"

A Rose
A rose may be beautiful, but beware, it usually has many thorns.

Don't let life discourage you;
everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.

Richard Evans

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.

“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.

“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Wants
It's not having what you want, but yet wanting what you have.

Never fear shadows.
They simply mean there's a light somewhere nearby.
Ruth E. Renkee

The fates are vicious and they`re cruel.
You learn too late you`ve used two wishes like a fool.
-John Cameron Mitchell

Anger
Never make a decision when you are angry, you might regret it in the future.

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:

Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

How long should it take a professional to write a resume
Depends! There are professionals who specialize in writing resumes quickly. They tend to concentrate on one client at a time, producing a draft in as little as 4-5 hours and final documents within 2 hours after the client has reviewed the draft. This does not make the resume any less professional - in fact, since most resumes get less than an 30 second scan by the hiring authority, having a writer who understands how to write effectively for a scan may be beneficial. Other resume writers quote from 3 to 5 business days for the first draft. This does not make them better (or worse) it is just their style. If you are in a hurry for your documents, ask the resume writer about his or her turn-around time.

Q: Why was the computer so cold?

A: Because it forgot to shut its window

Learning the Keyboard(read down on the keyboard)
Quick Ask Zoe

What Stops X-rays

Even Dogs Can't

Red Fish Vanish

Then Grow Bigger

Yaks Hear Noises

Under Jack's Mattress

I Keep commas's

Over Long periods's

Peanuts

Cowboy's Guide To Life
by Bob Hardison
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks at you in the mirror every mornin'.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
• It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
• Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to git dirty.

Making Mistakes
If you make a mistake at work try not to get so upset; just ask yourself how it will matter next week or next year? If you have no answers then don’t dwell on it and move on.

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln

Q: Why was the math book sad

A: Because it had too many problems

If you are only willing to invest 30 minutes a week in your Health maintenance!
A new study compared two groups of men 40 to 75 years old that did 30 minutes a week of weigh lifting versus fast walking; both groups reduced their risk of heart disease by 23% versus 18% respectively. While earlier studies have clearly demonstrated the advantage of aerobic exercise, if you only have time for one thing, lifting weights may be what you should choose.

WisdomTips.com

Editorial staff.

One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over.
You see, your problem won't improve with age.
Warren Buffett
Doing nothing
The problem with doing nothing is you never know when you池e done.

James Fineous McBride

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?

Girl: For what?

Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
General George S. Patton
+ General Joke
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square
handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a c0ndom.

The c0ndom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

How much to repair it the Scot asks the chemist?

Six pence, says the chemist.

How much for a new one?

Ten pence, says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the c0ndom into the silk square
handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

The regiment has taken a vote, he says. "We'll have a new one!!

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful

Of you to wrap each piece separately.”

True Success
To really succeed in business you need to develop relationships. A good relationship is based on seeing and understanding things from the other person’s perspective

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.
Stephen R. Covey
All drama is about lies. When the lie is exposed, the play is over.
-David Mamet

2010-01-05T04:22:00.002-08:00

Samurai Wisdom
"Had I not known

That I was dead

Already

I would have mourned

My loss of life"

Ota Dokan (1486)

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Unhindered Mind
“To have been angered in argument is, to have already been defeated.”

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Success
Selfishness binds and blocks.

Every loving and unselfish thought has in it the germ of success.

Florence Scovel Shinn

The measure of a man is not, "How did he die?" but "How did he live?"
not "What did he gain?" but "What did he give?"
Unknown
+ General Joke
An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of
the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he added, "I'm only here to feed the alligator."

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Trouble getting a good night' sleep?
If you are having trouble getting a good nights sleep, take a look at your bedtime diet. While a light snack may help you relax before sleeping, you should avoid heavy meals and fluids that stimulate stomach acid production and could cause heartburn. Also, consider whether intake of caffeine, chocolate or alcohol is affecting your sleep.

- Mayo Clinic –

2010-01-05T04:22:00.001-08:00

+ General Joke
These are all names rejected by the Jockey Club (UK) for racehorses:

Sofa King Fast
Cupid Stunt
Norfolk Enchants
Sparrowfaht
Ah Feic
Fog Ducker

Mind, the odd one does get through:

Country Member
Big T1ts
Noble Locks

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”

“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

Long Life
If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

Human Nature
"People will keep on praising you until you follow their directions, but once due to your helplessness, if you fail to please them once. They will forget all your past good nesses and start hating you for your disobedience."

Happy Thanksgiving from MyDailyInsights
To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
Johannes A. Gaertner

+ General Joke
Shirley was gaining weight and went to a guru for exercises. He advised her
to assume a position for meditation for fifteen minutes every morning before
she got dressed. So when Bert discovered he had left his cell phone home and
returned to their flat, he found Shirley on her back on the bed, stark
naked, with her legs raised almost to her shoulders. With only a short
glance at her, he took his cell phone from the night table and started to
leave. Taking a better look at her, he snorted,

"For God's sake, brush your teeth and comb your hair.
You're getting to look more like your mother every day."

Did you hear about the look-alike competition held in china? Everyone won.

The Puzzle of Love!
Love, is an ever lasting puzzle.... when you think you've found that person for you, you begin to assemble this puzzle! But be careful!! The pieces may fit!!! But the picture can be wrong! So you may have to think again! Before both your lives end up in ruins.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.
Cicero
Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
Epictetus
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.
-William Shakespeare

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls.
David Thomas
Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?

A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

2010-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

Q: What happens to a person when they're lost in a cornfield?

A: They get cornfused.

Healthy way
The only way to keep your health

is to eat what you don't want,

drink what you don't like,

and do what you'd rather not

- MARK TWAIN -

Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.

Frederick Wilcox

Remember, happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.

Dale Carnegie

You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands - your own.

Mark Victor Hansen

+ General JokeThings you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distiguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. -Ambrose Bierce

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look I'm changing!

Trust within yourself
"Don't go by gossip and rumor, nor by what's told you by others, nor by what you hear said, nor even by the authority of your traditional teachings. Don't go by reasoning, nor by inferring one thing from another, nor by argument about methods, nor from liking an opinion, nor from awe of the teacher and thinking he must be deferred to.

"Instead, Kalamas, when you know from within yourselves that certain teachings are not good, that when put into practice they lead to loss and suffering, you must then trust yourselves and reject them."

-Anguttara Nikaya

2010-01-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #17357
By Barb from USA.

The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)

Way to be happy...
"Always remember the compliments you receive and forget the insults"

Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.

Eric: Oh, do you like it?

Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?

Youth
Youth is wasted on the young

- BERNARD SHAW -

Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.

Jim Rohn

We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.-R. D. Laing

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Silence
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.

--Thomas Carlyle

+ General Joke An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On another wall is a dazzling array of fine cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession. And I must say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out! You're on my side.

2010-01-04T15:02:00.000-08:00

7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

Trust
If someone you trust does something against you the first time, then shame on him or her; if you trust them again and they do something against you a second time, then shame on you.

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

You have to eat!!!!
You can stop smoking, drinking, abusing drugs, biting your fingernails, etc. However, you cannot stop eating. No matter how much you want to lose weight, you have to eat. The secret is to slowly but permanently change your habits. Continue to enjoy eating and the social interaction that eating usually involves. Don't be too hard on yourself or feel guilty about eating. Do follow some very common sense tips about healthy eating. These tips are available in so many places. Practice some of these methods and stay away from fads.

Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event.
You don't fail overnight.
Instead, failure is a few errors in judgement, repeated every day.
Jim Rohn

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

2010-01-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

+ General JokeCharles Barkley is griping about the fact that Tiger Woods isn't answering his phone to accept help from fellow celebrities on dealing with his problems. Sir Charles also offered up tips to Tiger to improve his golf swing, and will share some sure fire methods to beat the house in Vegas.

A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.

'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.

The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'

The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:

'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'

The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'

The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.

'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'

The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.

The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:

'See what you have done? You broke my head.'

'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.

Try Harder
How many times, as a manager, have you said to your staff, "We have to try harder!" Could we be trying too hard? If you try too hard for something it may lead to the following problems: working harder instead of smarter, unimaginative problem solving, unrealistic goals, self-defeating attitude, and being too critical on yourself. Sometimes trying too hard back fires, because of the unwanted stress created by the above terminology of trying harder. Instead of trying harder, next time try on working smarter.

Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.

Jim Rohn

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

A Mother's love
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.

- Washington Irving

+ General JokeApparently, the sign (meaning "Work will make you free") from above the gateway to Auschwitz camp has been stolen. Now, I'm not going to suggest that I have anything but disgust for either the regime that organized this camp or the people who stole the sign. The comments of the museum staff, however, beggar belief- they consider that the sign would be "difficult to sell!" So I suppose we can look forward to seeing it on ebay tomorrow!

2010-01-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

The Value of Reason
"The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason. Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers. Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."

Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.
Jim Rohn

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

Be an active listener
The best tip anyone could give is to follow the golden rule. If you do something to someone that does not feel right, it probably wasn't. I don't think there are a lot of bad people, but I do feel that people today do not take the time to get in the habit of following the rule. This leads to many different problems that become bad habits. Just get in the habit of following the golden rule and you will find that issues you had before are not so bad now.

Learning is the beginning of wealth.
Learning is the beginning of health.
Learning is the beginning of spirituality.
Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.
Jim Rohn

Career Advice
Find something that you enjoy doing so much that you'd do it for nothing, and pretty soon you'll be paid more than you can spend.

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"

Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.

Jim Rohn

2010-01-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”

Don't just sell your product, use it!
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.

--Henry Ford

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

Avoid excessive idling
Shut off engine while waiting for friends and family. Today's vehicles are designed to "warm up" fast, so forget about those long warm-ups on cold winter mornings.

Responsibility
Man has responsibility; not power.

Anonymous

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

2010-01-04T14:55:00.000-08:00

There are only 3 colors, 10 digits, and 7 notes; its what we do with them that's important.

Jim Rohn

+ General JokeTen things Tiger might hear at the 2010 Masters. 10-Tiger designed a new golf course: 4 holes on every green. 9- Call 911, Tiger just drove into a tree. 8-Hi dad 7-Hi dad 6-Hi dad 5-You the Man-HO! 4- Check his score card: I heard he cheats. 3-If Elin is looking to get even, my number is 555-7724 2-Is that a pencil in your pocket, or do you have date later? 1-Arnies Army, Tigers Hoes

His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.

“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”

Service
The hands that serve, are holier than lips that pray.

The major value in life is not what you get.
The major value in life is what you become.
Jim Rohn

Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants. -Esther De Waal

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"

Coping with stress
Many of the stressful situations we come across in your daily lives cannot be avoided or changed, but we can change how we respond to the stress. Try improving your way of dealing with stress or a stressful situation. Take a deep breath.

Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.

Jim Rohn

2010-01-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

+ General Joke WASHINGTON — A White House officials said today a man from Niger1a tried to blow up a Northwest Airlines plane as it prepared to land in Detroit following a flight from Amsterdam. They are calling it an "attempted act of terrorism."You think? The Nigerian man is being questioned and treated at a hospital in Ann Arbor, Mich. Probably for a hugh headache and body pains. One of the passenger heard the Nigerian man say, "Why the hell are we landing in freaking Detroit? There ain't nothing in that sh*thole. I want to go where there's booze drugs and wild woman. Take me to Charlie Sheen's place."

The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”

Happiness is...........
Happiness is like a butterfly...

The more you pursue it, the more it will elude.

When you learn to be patient and still.

It will fly over and land on your shoulder.

Time is more value than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
Jim Rohn

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

How to keep Spiders Away
It's hard to kill spiders because they don't lick their bodies like ants and other insects so they don't absorb insecticides.

But they won't walk over sharp things.

I have been successful finally after trying many things. The secret is Epsom salts! It has sharp crystals!

Just pour it on windowsills and doors, inside and out. Rain will wash it away, just reapply.

It's CHEAP, comes in a milk type carton, easy to use, and it WORKS !!!

I have a friend who sprays Pam (water would dissolve the crystals) and then pours the Epsom salts all the way around her doors and windows, also, some on the carpet to her bedroom.

Jokes and Wisdom

2010-01-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

A leader in the making...
Is one who realizes that the only problem you have is the one you allow to be a problem because of your wrong reaction to it. Problems can stop you temporarily. You are the only one who can stop it permanently.

-John C. Maxwell

The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”

“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.

Definition of Education
Education is what is left after you have forgotten all that you have been taught.

Ongoing self education.
We all know that knowledge is Power, but it's not just that. Knowledge is also money. So don't be afraid to invest in money.

This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.

So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.

He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.

They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"

So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.

So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"

"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."

"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.

So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.

Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!

PD Entry 34: In a big mansion, trying different pools

2009-12-30T17:25:00.001-08:00

8:54am || 31 December 2009

Suddenly I've got dreams back to back. Pretty kool, don't know what the trigger is but maybe productivity during the day leads to satisfaction for the night and you're so worked up and get into deep deep sleep. That's gotta be it. You gotta hav the mind clear just before snooze out. Anywho let's get to it. I remember mum and bro, both were really young, and so was I, probs round 7 or 8. and we were at this mansion. Nobody lived there yet I was not concerned. It was a huge big building with lots of land and it wasn't surrounded by grass land but by different pools all meters from each other and with concrete ground. There were shallow ones and deeper ones and fountain ones that were really showy and refreshing and a couple of spas too. LOL I heard we were in a deeper pool and then we saw a spa not too far off. Man I was like this is heaven. As I was walking towards the other spa after coming out of the cool water from the other side I went past one the windows and the curtain was open, well I don't think they had any curtains. The room was empty but I saw a small table and leaning against it was a guitar in it's casing. It was hilarious now I think about it. I'm like learning and obsessed with guitar. HAha

PD Entry 33: Jap exam and getting lost

2009-12-30T17:24:00.001-08:00

9:44am || 30 December 2009

So high school buddies were with me on this adventure dream. It was me, kizza and Amanda T. We found ourselves in a vast building area lost after we had taken a jap exam. Although I did not remember taking one. But I remember saying to them, when I did primary school jap I was always getting like high HAs and now its like SA plus. HAHA And amanda was like I hope I get a high HA or something and then when I told them about my score trends they were like we will see. So we just kept running around trying to find a way out. So weird the place was really quite. We didn't bump into anyone who could have helped us find a way outta here. I have no idea how on earth we got into this place. We could see that the sky was starting to go gray, wasn't a pleasant sight. After turning many corners and blocks I found a climbing stairs and weird things and then we saw a little hole and we peeked through it and saw a professor in white just standing along the balcony not so far away. We knew that lead to some science lab so we didn't go to ask him for help. He looked a little freaky but it's good he never saw us and we never saw his face. haha. Then we just kept running and never turned back. We finally found this gate and it was like rabbit proof fence. It was a fence but made out of wire, and there was a small hole we had to take a leap down and jump and fall. It was the only way out. So we realised it and just went for it. Then we found ourselves on some deck. And at last we were at the testing centre again. There were like 3 boats, connected just at the dock. We were walking towards one of the 3 boats and it had tables like at weddings all nicely decorated and at the front was I guess reception and a man standing there. He was very well dressed and looked like he was in charge of everything and knew everything so we asked me when do the jap results get released and he said in about half an hour. Then we were like sigh. Then we saw 2 guys on a boat rowing outside towards the sea. They were both just in the same exam as us. Took the same test and I recognised one of them. I remember his profile from youtube or something. Think he was a musician. Then the dude was like those boys shouldn't take off now. There will be rough storms coming soon. I was like they don't live too far away. They lived in brisbane but in a very unfamiliar suburb, forgot the name.

PD Entry 32: Scary Aboriginal Dream

2009-12-30T17:22:00.000-08:00

10:36am || 24 December 2009

1st Nite at Cairns 20th, bad bad dream. All the policeman were layed down dead coz they had been shot and this case was about a couple and family fight also. The policeman just couldn't stop them, break them from fighting and it got soo bad that they had to shoot them down. I was running towards the uni for class on a suburban street when I was stoped in my run by crowds outside something like my old ballet studio, I went to have a look and when I peeked into the hall door. I saw so many policeman just shot down laying there dead. It was a very uncomfortable look and feeling. I don't think anyone saw me and I knew I wasn't allowed to be there. I actually had went to see from a different door, back door coz there was too many people at the entrance, and there were more people holding the people from seeing the sight. I continued to uni, it was a nite lecture, I sat down and saw my OT friends several rows in front of me, they didn't notice I was there and the lecturer was about to begin. When the lecture was finished, I told them I wasn't going to continue OT anymore and was going back to accounting and they said oh that's kool and kept talking to each other. I felt really sad. Like they didn't even care about me and had already forgotten about me.

PD Entry 31: I met Taylor Swift ZOMG

2009-12-30T17:20:00.000-08:00

9:08am || 19 December 2009

Triggers: Just my plain addiction to Taylor and also how everyone seems to love her, can't get enuff of her and my fave xmas song is Merry Swiftmas! She was in her bedroom... dorm or whateva just chillin and I think she was rehearsing on her bed for her concert the next day, singing and playing guitar. I bribed a young girl, coz she had made this nice poster for her, and wanted her to sign it, so I was like hang on I'll get her to do that... When I saw her I was like wow... she was soo nice and casual. We made very good conversation and we instantly clicked. At the end of the meeting we were friends... I remember asking her to follow me on twitter, so hilarious... I was like mine is twitter.com/thylian I also asked her so many questions and reminded her to keep at her work and don't become something you are not.

PD Entry 30: Lost with Joanna, trying to find a way back home

2009-12-30T17:19:00.000-08:00

11:14am || 17 December 2009

It must have been uni that was over, and we were making our way down to the carpark and that's the only quickest way outta there, down the carpark stairs, somehow after that we ended up going through tight tubes and tunnels, and battled trees and vines sticking out into our faces... Jo was going down another route to get home, I was like WTH so I followed her, ended up finding myself in a weird ass street, I tried to orietate myself and when I looked straight ahead I knew that led to the main road, The street name I was on had the word field in it I think, Sanfield or something.

PD Entry 29: I was finally sailor moon in a dream, yea I was the hero!

2009-12-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

11:14am || 15 December 2009

I remember we were like getting off a boat, and the 'you're such a clutz' quote by tuxedo mask came up. 'But you're my clutz' LOL tat was the funniest quote haha! U could die of laughter. I don't remember actually tranforming into sailor moon at any stage but I did teleport when people I know was in danger and I was being hunted down. I think at one time I was after little rini who was running around lost. I did try so many times to teleport but it just didn't work, I had to really shout it and believe that it would happen. Ok so after we all walked along this balcony that led to this place. There were two separate building apartments where we were to stay. In the middle of it all was a gigantic lane pool and ovals separating the two blocks of apartments. More like a school, which was wat it looked like from outside. My friends most of them stayed in the other building and me and one of my close sailor team friends stayed with me in the one beside the pool. I think the 'normal' tuxedo mask was with me at the time, he told me I'm just in that building across from u, oh how sseweettt. One night there was danger happening, it was during this costume night out. Like a party thingy. We realised we were running from security and we were running towards a lift and got stuck there. My sailor mate was with me and we had to teleport and so she teleported first and then I was still trying to figure it out. We finally ended up outside the pool area where everyone was running around, trying to stay clam and have no clue what has happened. Someone told me rini is lost and so I was running around trying to find her.

PD Entry 28: Taeyeon, hyoyeon and trung all in one dream? haha

2009-12-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

11:10am || 9 December 2009

This dream had 2 of my faves from SNSD!! KOOLLL Ok well they were my rich oversea student friends. They went to UQ I think with me but they lived out in springwood. And there apartment had this huge land where u can play all kinds of sports, even golf? haha They lived in this building you had to climb like in the japanese anime movie my neighbour totoro and inside it wasn't all that pleasant. Very squishy but still they live well. Outside is nice but inside not very. Then we had a night lecture and it was kinda scary. So many people it was like divided into 4 rooms and you couldn't see some of the kids at the back coz there were like poles dividing it like a room. We were late so we went in to sit at the very front, there were a few seats there. All we did was 2 readings. and the lecture just went on and on about it. Afterwards we had a visitor. We had trung come in and he was in a wheelchair and was circling around and around the middle of the classroom. He was trying to chase kids around in a circle. I hav no idea wot for but it felt weird.

PD Entry 27: High school mixed with uni dream

2009-12-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

1:05pm || 4 December 2009

Well last nite I had this dream, 2 separate ones... in a swimming pool and there was this mini jet ski boat thingy ma jing. It was soo small and it looked so squishy inside ,there wasn't much leg room but I tried to stick one leg in and already lost my balance, was real scared. Then there was this slide thingy jungle entrance slide into the swimming pool. It was just plain weird. Anywho the next dream was this, it was the high school San Sisto hall. there was a stage and a audience. they were noisy and the teacher called 3 full names, Amanda from high school, Belinda from OT? and me. I was like wat for. Then we all got on stage and sat there. The teacher then presented our awards and mine was a graduate certificate for driving? and a green P plate sticker. I was like WTH I already have this. Got a bit confused and then as we left the stage the crowd was really cheering and it was soo noisy.

PD Entry 26: Sandra dream

2009-12-30T17:15:00.000-08:00

9:33pm || 30 November 2009

My friend in OT Sandra was with me in this dream. We were sneaking out of someones house, it looked like anna and aaron's house, via their bak gate. we peaked at window just before it and they were a bunch of men talking lol we don't know wot about. Sandra called me to take this wine and carry it with you. She didn't tell me why so I just stuffed it in the bag but didn't bother to take the bag or wine coz I couldnt' be bothered. She was infront of me and was already on the other side of gate. Then I climbed over. After we exited the house, we walked along the street, not on path but on road. Then we ended up in a park and we were having like a lunch on some bench with other friends. I think they were her mum's friends. I didn't even know it was her mum till she introduced. Funny then Sandra asked me for the wine. I said I didn't have it. She was like my mum wants to try it. I had no idea tat was the case. Then she got really angry and fustrated at me. Then I wondered she hates me now which means a crazy thought dashed through my mind: will I ever get to borrow her anatomy prac notes again? It seemed so real at the time and I felt bad coz I let a good friend down.

PD Entry 25: I'm taking another OT exam on the holidays? Tell me it ain't a sup >.<

2009-12-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

11:03am || 25 November 2009

Ok I remember boarding onto a boat, ferry no. It was just on the dock on the platform and there were 2 directions and rite in the middle was the sign pointing OT exam to the left and Physio exam on the rite. So I was hurrying along the path and then sat on my seat. On the table was exam paper, scrap paper and a bowl of food. It had pasta, choi, herbs and dumplings? and I think some curry puff as well. I was a lil confused, around me we took the exam at nite and out in the open and the water was below us. I had no idea wat to do so I decided to shove all the food well just the dumpling and curry puff into my bag beside me. Did I wanna take it home or wat? dunno and cleaned up my desk, I remember forgetting to place my student card and searched my bag for it. So there wasn't any perusal so we went ahead and started. Right question 1 was a theory question, actually I think we had to watch a video. Cant remember then question 3 was whre we were asked to eat the contents and mix parts of the content in the bowl. That's when I was like holy xhit in my bag and took everything out, lol the paper just had the steps, and didn't ask you to eat it, but I presumed you needed to try the taste to be able to answer the questions. Another question was based on prac class, we all went to observe a child perform in a cultural dance and take notes on that. Funny how they ask a exam question based on pervious prac work. Anywayz thats all I can remember.

PD Entry 24: 3 days to my bday and a nice tranquility dream appears

2009-12-30T17:13:00.001-08:00

1:48pm || 23 November 2009

Woke up late this morning means I had a nice long dream last nite. A girl who looks like one of my friends monique was in this dream. We were walking into this mall and I saw her just waiting there with her luggage. I was like where r u staying and she say's I'm not sure. I then said if you don't hav anywhere to stay u can come stay with us. The ship was like connected to the mall, u had to go down the escalator and then the rooms appeared. Inside it was like a cabin, not much all I remmeber was a balcony, bathroom and 2 beds. I even was like where is the kitchen? The mall was actually shining bright like a casino and reminded me of Las Vegas night life.

The next morning when we woke up, our cabin began to move and all the windows of the room was being beaten my gigantic waves. They looked really wow and we realised that the balcony needed to be shut, and that the neighbours hadn't shut theres. It was like a temple door and when we went onto their balcony we saw that they were inside making food and we were just, actually it was still nite time, the nite before we didn't know what to do, the door worked weirdly so we left it.

The next morning it was time to explore and when we went down onto the beach.. we looked bak at where we stayed... and the cabins looked like red temples on the bayside, it was sooo totally like a spirited away scene! seriously! freaky... and I remember saying hey that's where we stayed! Then someone mentioned something about where the queen stayed... lol and I don't remember anything else.

PD Entry 23: Is this my drama scene for legend of the seeker? or wat???

2009-12-30T17:12:00.001-08:00

11:03am || 23 August 2009

I think I had a creative dream last nite... a bit like ghost island... I depicted a haunted island, all there was were huge rocks and I saw a zillion cave holes next to one another... rite and one heroic dude was willing to face it all on his own.. he used some powerful magic to somehow turn the rocks into hard soldiers to charge bak at the ghosts that were coming out of the caves and surrounding him. I really cannnot remember anything much more... tat was the highlight scene... it was a pretty sweet dream!

PD Entry 22: River course similar to crash bandicoot raceway, wondering in rain wet weather

2009-12-30T17:11:00.001-08:00

10:06am || 2 July 2009

Ok so were all kids again, my bro I and angie do. We were with mum. I couldn't believe we were again in a tropical forest going through some pretty heavy courses.. wobbly bridges, over hanging trees and branches... we were really wet and I couldn't believe how we got into the mess. So after awhile of battling... we weren't alone there were other ppl struggling to get through the course as well but then I had my navigator with me as well... It was so hilarious.. I passed this girl who was really struggling... to hold grip.. I turned around and checked my tecnology and to my surprise she was actually a really familiar girl, I knew her from somewhere.. and that is from maple story, it showed up on my lil handy divice, she is keko112 or something.. I realised I was like tapping a computer game.. like trialling the real actual map course.. I was sooo wondering wat the hell? is my family and friends also trapped in this whirlpool.. OMG it was a real rocky adventurous ride.. I remember angie saying that she could call her dad up rite now and get him to pick us all up... but she realised tat this was a test, and we had to get through it.. in the end... it was tooo unbearable and the storm was getting so heavy.. got her dad toyota targo to pick us up... and we were saved and felt safe at that point...

PD Entry 21: UQ bombed

2009-12-30T17:10:00.001-08:00

6:48pm || 27 June 2009

I cannot believe it, no dream in awhile and all of a sudden a bad dream comes shooting in... Not good...I was so scared and afraid for my life.. the entire time I was like this is it, Im gonna die.. this is the end... UQ was like a castle... it was stormy and rainy and dark all around... and french fire fighter planes were bombing us all around... the bombs were small to start with and then got bigger and bigger... we finished class in the great hall then we all departed and I walked down to the bus stop... there was quite a lot of us there waiting... we had no idea that french were out to get us... but it was really dark all around and we all suddenly sensed danger coming... we couldn't wait any longer... and ran back towards the uni for shelter.. I have no idea who I was following.. some just took shelter in the refectory.. I remember that in danger we all were called to the highest staircase building... inside there was like a zillion staircases to climb forming a square spiral all the way to the top floor to like 47 floors... it was not enuff time to reach the top.. so I decided to head to the next building... I found a tight squeeze all around.. and had no idea I was at the top with some other people... they were like servants or staff as equivalent.. they showed me a secret entrance and it was to the grand room lounge and it was really comfy sofas.. it was hard to breathe and then suddenly seeing all the planes shoot past in the window... it was terrifying to watch and we could feel the earth shake and everything around us was just shaking and vibrating... we did not know whether we were gonnas any second at all... we could only hope... now at that point I was just sooo scared and afraid that I just woke up out of that dream... it was well and truly like 8ish in the morning... I snapped myself out of that dream... didn't want to know whether I died or survived...

PD Entry 20: QUT next to UQ?? I live like an on campus student, Eva?? Puzzle Competition???

2009-12-30T17:09:00.001-08:00

10:16am || 15 April 2009

Right I woke up about 10am, so I could easily have kept on sleeping and continue a string of welcoming dreams. Gonna keep this short and sweet. Ok firstly will talk about the UQ bus trip, well after a sporting session, we were on the bus back to UQ, in the bus I saw a good friend, I don't know who she was all I remember was taht she was asian, we were good friends and she had a piercing on the upper lobe of her right ear. Her hair was down straight and jet black. I had walked past her to find a seat without even realising it was her. She was beside some guy. We chatted for a bit and then we stopped at UQ, but for some reason, the bus driver shut all the doors and said that we had to have lunch inside the bus because it was much too stormy and rainy outside, really weird even though he had let some students off just like a few minutes ago. Well it was pouring so we just ate and chatted and caught up. I asked her what her name was she told me in chinese and all I could remember was that it started with a T. Afterwards, it was sunshine and we were allowed to get off. I asked her what she had this afternoon and she said she had a break but then 4-5pm lec. So I just left her but I had her mobile phone with me for some reason, I had no idea why... so I was walking back to my 'home stay at uni' right this is the weird part, we live in like a 2 story cottage village styled mini mansion just behind the uni. So I was going back and when I reached my room, I just left her phone right there on the bed. Then I was playing with a weird sound recorder, I started playing it and heard some lecture sounded like chinese lecture so I assumed it belonged to the same girl. After fiddling for awhile I realised I was totally lost track of what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to go. So I grabbed the recorder and her mobile and ran around in circles in the top floor of the house. I was trying to be really quite because all around are other students and they just ignored me but some really just was giving me weird looks. I thought I knew them all but apparently not. My room was really small, I think I remember like the walls were even orange and my dressor table with a mirror in front was meant to also be my study desk. Pfft. So I quickly ran back to where the bus was and it wasn't there, so I still had her mobile. OMG I really panicked. Then I realised I was late for class.

Turns out I didn't have class, I had a session, don't know what of. I was walking back trying to find where it was and for some reason I was walking through QUT building grounds and then found myself back on UQ.. The campuses were right next to each other. How weirdo?? I assumed this was where we were meant to all wait, outside the great hall till they let us in. I literally got out my phone and rang Kate. She was at home...can't remember what she said. But I waited like everyone else. Then some girl with a name tag Eva E, walked toward the building, we quickly recognised each other and caught up, Eva is a girl from primary school. Turns out she is one of the volunteers at the event today. Once we were inside they got us all to divide into groups of 3. I couldnt find 3 so Eva came to be and offered help on my threading, yeh how weird, first task was threading with buttons and beads, we were given kit and yeh threading in the lecture theatre. After that was done we had to move around to a different room and it was just as huge and dark, we were asked to build a puzzle and I was partnered with this dude. Our puzzled turned out to be a really dark medieval looking church or castle. Maybe a cross between both. When it was nearly completed the judges were like we have already eliminated and are going to put a few more in the finals. And when they reached us, they put us in the final for presentation. We were watching the performances before us on stage, and guess who I saw... Mark C from primary again! He was water painting over piano notes, but the piano was playing in the background, then he went over the black stripes and made them clear again to reveal a shape of Australia. It was pretty bravo... Then as I was doing this my partner next to me had already finished a really quick scrabble of a drawing with crayons.. I was like why don't' we stick with the original painting. Then he continued to change the puzzle and inserted other weird figures onto it. I was like this is going no where and we are to present any minute. Then my bro woke me up, mandy phoned me up and I had no idea what kind of disaster was in store for us.

PD Entry 19: Fast food, Fast ride

2009-12-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

8:33pm || 2 April 2009

This dream was so weird, another fast in motion dream, hey but love for food and triggery for it..really was good... I remember it was like all you can eat thing, it was a shop rite u go in and u take wat u would like to eat really fast and get out... nofing like any all you can eat restaurant, inside reminded me of Sizzler, the lights and the yummy gourmet food, can't remember specifically wat kinds of food but I remember slaps of pasta, nice cup cakes, jellies, cakes with cream and so much icying and decorative pieces, it was all so fancy... so wat happens is you get onto a carriage, I think it was a train carriage like the ones in the sushi train restaurants or it was one like individual with seatbeats and your feet dangle in the air like those at dreamworld in those fast and scary rides.. actually it felt exactly like that, and we were thrown around and we didn't even let us stop properly to pick and scope up the food, more just a mere glance and touch... in the end I was just like take whatever, and then the ride continued to the end.. at least I can be thankful that I didn't have any scary spider like dreams. woo

PD Entry 18: Unclear dream I was busing most of the time... in motion dream

2009-12-30T17:06:00.000-08:00

9:39pm || 18 March 2009

This dream has definitely come from busing everyday to and from uni. I remember gathering a big group of friends about to hop onto the ride. We were waiting, then once I was on, we had all different kinds of convos I can't remember them though, then we were going thru all kinds of bus stops, then we realised that our friend had missed it coz she didn't get on the bus. So we got all worried... lolz funny it felt like busing in the city night life, from morning till nite, it was continuous and felt really nice, the bus trip was actually really smooth like it was almost a comforting bus ride, unlike the real stuff. Darn it I should have written this as soon as I remembered the dream, that I do lack a lot of lost information, so not kool!

Pd Entry 17: Jammed Adventure dream after dream after dream

2009-12-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

11:08am || 20 February 2009

I officially woke up this morning at like 10am, I guess I did have a good dream. The one I remember really clearly is, ok we were walking in the busy streets of paris the 4 of us, when I saw cheer the celebrity singer just walking down the street and then a flock of photographers were catching her on the camera and then randoms on the street start to surround her, she was walking towards a very big building in the heart of the CBD. The crowd around her was getting really massive we had to escape the scene. We were walking back to front and saw hundreds of couples/groupings of people dressed in really formal clothing, women in dresses very elegantly and men in tux. We figured there must be some huge wedding about to take place. So we got really curious and began to follow the gang. We saw the main entrance but decided instead to head in thru the back door. We saw other random street people just go thru the back door while the main "star shiners" head thru the front. So we just followed. Then we were inside, we were a level above the main entrance we figured, and looking down was the main reception desk and there was a huge sign in white with black text saying "Alanis Morissette Live in Concert Tonight 8pm" People were lining up downstairs ready to head in. We figured there was a door on our level that lead to the middle row batch of seats. Luckily we crept and followed the strangers who probably didn't buy any tickets either to get a seat, we were seated finally on the far left, below us were the really "important glamorous" guests, I looked around to see who else was sitting on our batch, there was randoms yep and to my surprise Cheer, the row in front of us, she looked really sad, she wasn't talking to any of the people around her, I guessed the spotlight and excitement was on Alanis the whole time. I was thinking to myself there must be security around checking us to see if we had tickets, and plus we were all wearing rather ordinary casual clothes, they must think something is going to be wrong. I was getting worried and began to panic What if they caught us? LOL and suddenly out of the door in front of us, a security guard appears and asks us all to immediately evacuate so we all had to hurry, he also said something like this area is out of bounds or something, we were really hurrying along and then suddenly we found ourselves going thru corridors that were really narrow which only lead in one direction, we ran past a room, tat was much smaller but there was a stage that looked like it was preparing for something, the room was filling up with random people as well, thru that glass window we saw, we decided to go in and rest a bit and see wat was going on. We sat on a long wood chair so close to the ground on the far left again. and just right in front of us was the stage, a microphone and its stand, a seat and some sound equipment beside it. Soon after the room was quite full and people began to talk loudly, then to our surprise Alanis walked in rather casually, she was dressed in high boots and a summery dress, which really suited her. Instead of heading to the stage she began sqeezing herself into the crowd, she asked random strangers questions and they answered thru the mic in her hand. She asked questions like how u all feeling tonite? Are u ready, are u pumped for the show tonite? Then my bro was really excited he got up onto the stage, whipped out his flute (no idea how he was carrying it all this time running around and all and began to belt out a tune, he was obviously trying to attract attention, then suddenly everyone looked at him, we got embarrassed and I was trying to tell him to shut up somehow, Alanis and everyone started laughing. Can't remember what she said next or what happened next.

PD Entry 16: Shopping park chaos with the Chan family, attending uni lecture

2009-12-30T17:04:00.000-08:00

3:46pm || 7 February 2009

Last nite's dream was kinda like a real life thingy with the family, we do sorta experience family driving outings where we can't find parking? Well we went to a new shopping centre and we had to park next door in the uni car park, well it was really different, you enter the carpark and then there are 2 buildings or either side left and right and they are really high with like 20 levels of parking space. We kinda entered not knowing which and where or how we were supposed to park, it was a really busy scene, uni students charging thru the ticket machine and cars passing us rushing to get the spots. We finally made the decision to take the left entrance upstairs and had no idea why the other cars weren't going this way. We discovered at the top empty parking bays which was so unusual and were wondering why no one would park here instead of snatching and fighting with other customers. It was really dark at the top, we got out and just peaked down below at where the main thing was happening. I was like watch out guys there is a heap of spider webs just beneath us don't touch it or u'll be all grossed out was my call. I was beginning to feel so insecure and was about to tell my family to go and park elsewhere or we would be fined or they will come take the car away. We finally left and decided to park on the right building and we asked some police guy and he told us that it was out of bounds area where we had parked before and that nobody has ever gone there in years. Left me feeling really spooked. We did not say anything that we had been there. We then went up the parking place to search for a place to park and luckily we found one on E19 yellow. I was like totally trying to remember the section we parked so that we wouldn't be lost. Then it was just through glass doors into the shopping place it was well lighted and in gold, the place felt really warm.

I was attending a new lecture, actually it was lecture 2 in week 2 since for some reason I missed lecture 1. I was so confused where to go, this new uni was just so different and weird and the area, corridors and theatre were all in a squished place. Even the lecturer was a weirdo. I just had no clue what he was talking about, I wasn't even one bit worried about that. Then I kept on beginning to wander around the area and I think I took a glass lift and I got stuck inside and I realised I didn't have my handbag with me, I had left it inside the lecture room and my mobile was in there. Then I can't remember anything after this, my dream got cut here, haha maybe coz I was soo afraid and in shock.

PD Entry 15: Shopping at Harbourtown myself, a dream with mandy inside! I met Girls Generation, game arcade inside harbourtown, shopping with panda

2009-12-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

2:49pm || 29 January 2009

Ok this dream was kool in a way coz mandy appeared! Ya how totally uncalled for! My dreams are always dark settings like this one too, shopping at harbourtown level 3 or something or even higher, on my own, it was completely empty, nobody was shopping around except me, these shops were all clothing and fashion stores, all the stores were left alone, like everybody had evacuated from the building coz of some major event fire or happening. Clothes were placed all messily and thrown around and sale signs were misplaced and all over the place and all on the floor. I began to worry and panic and was thinking where did everybody go? I finally moved into a store and saw a nice skirt I really liked and saw the price it was 30bucks. Then a lady she had glasses on, not sure if she was shop keeper but was kinda talking to herself, so I quickly left...

It was lunchtime in harbourtown and I was meeting my family for maccas on level 2 and mandy was on level 1, we were supposed to be meeting up to shop together but she was already shopping with her high school friends, which consisted of Melissa, Kat and Elena. I called her and asked where she was and she said level one and I was like come to level 2 that's where I am. She just said she will meet up after I eat. So I just continued to eat with my family.

Once we were ready to shop together it was already late afternoon going really dark and it all happened really fast and we were like how the hell are we supposed to shop at nighttime in this place? I recall not much except like lamps in the shop streets where you walk. Not many other people either like they had all disappeared and it was all quite. So it was just us 2. Then we heard music, girls singing and much sound and laughter coming from short distance away, at like centre stage or something, then we tried to hide behind bushes and make our way closer to where the sound was coming from. Then right in front of us, appeared a girl who was dancing she was ribbon dancing, I sorta recognised her and then I realised it was Yoona from Girls Generation! As in the korean girl band group. She looked at us funny and with laughter then danced in the direction of where the music was coming from, we were following behind her. Then we saw it, Girls generation all members rehearsing in secret, then we thought they must have closed down the shopping centre for celebrity group show practice. So we were just watching them do there rehearsal, I was like wow so star struck to see one of my fave bands live, I don't think any of them noticed us, it was quite kool to be able to watch GG for free!

That was the nice part of the dream, it soon got a whole lot weirder... I discovered along with primary school friend Carly that there was a hidden arcade game centre in harbourtown, LOL it was empty and dark inside as well, when we went in it was like so tiny place like an underground pool area bar club but then we went deeper into the place and openned some rather big, unusal and heavy doors and there it was 2 levels, we were on the top and at the bottom was the bowling lane areas. This room was a lot bigger than before it was gigantic! like monster sized people to play bowling. I think I said something along the lines of they can't bowl from here, then realised u had actually gotta get below the platform to be able to get the ball thru and into the hole. I don't know what's with all the emptiness and darkness in these dreams but I guess its different feeling hehe

PD Entry 14: Southbank is all flowers but filled with creepy crawly spiders, I meet a cute guy working at an Asian grocery store, both Angela shopping

2009-12-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

2:09pm || 25 January 2009

In all these dreams I liked some parts of each but my fave has got to be meeting a new person dream! There always fun! Funny I woke up today at like 11am, must have dreamed well into the morning, as it was raining apparently this morning. I think it was worth it coz I dreamed up plenty detail to dish out rite here for ya so make note of this. The leads in the south bank dream was dad and I. LOL last time it was mum and it only meant trouble this time its no different. Late afternoon and it was getting dark and we had to make our way through the pathway, southbank parks have nice flowers and grass surrounding the footpaths but what you don't notice is the spiders all over the webs, and let me tell u there were literally hundreds! I think mum also came into the dream as well as I think I was guiding her through at one point and dad was just way ahead, the pathway became like a maze, we remembered that this root was the more webby one and had to go to the other one, it was really dark but we made it to the end in time, LOL the spiders and webs were really scary I was fearing for my life coz I absolutely loathe them!

After getting out of the maze we saw a well lit Asian grocery store and mum needed to buy stuff to make tonight's dinner. So after all the shopping we went to the counter, only I did coz mum said she will wait outside for me and asked me to pay. He gave me a lollipop, and I was like why you give me this? He is like its an extra 3.80 for the lolli with the drink I purchased. I was like I didn't pay for that and he is like well I paid the 3.80 for you so you can have it for free, and I was like oh kool. Then because I already bought a pack of lollies myself I gave one to him. Mum and Dad then came and asked me why I was taking so long and they chatted to the guy too and asked him questions bout the store and it turns out that his dad actually owns the store and that they live just across the road in a 2 story house. LOL it was literally across the road! While my mum was busily asking questions to him I quickly scribbled on a blank piece of paper beside the counter desk and I wrote my email and number and name but I was soo nervous I had to cross it out like 8 times before I could write properly and neatly enough to read and I gave it to him. We then left. LOL I checked my email the next morning and to my surprise 4 emails at like different times from him appeared in my inbox. Crazy! I didn't read them all just like the very first one he sent, but I remember vaguely what he asked and wrote to me. He talked a bit bout himself and how he is always busy looking after the store and doesn't have time for much else. Funny thing is I actually don't remember what his name was, and I didn't even ask that, but I do remember that he had a nice clean haircut and was wearing a long sleeved white shirt and black pants. Gosh can't remember anything after that, when that dream ended I really wished I knew what happened next...

and the last part of the dream, actually I think this might have been before the other 2. Angie D and I were on our way to pick up Angie S from a restaurant, this was classic times we were driving a classic 60s car which drives so slow and no roads we were driving along street paths like in Denmark, and we stopped right outside the restaurant and saw Angie S but she said she didn't wanna come with us, indirectly like we were just waiting outside watching her but she was too busy chatting to other people and so we figured that out. Everyone was all poshly dressed up as they did in those days and I remember Angie S looked really nice in a long white skinny dress with a brooch in the middle of chest. She was also carrying a fan and had a nice sparkly butterfly hairclip in her hair. Her hair was up and curled to perfection but her face was just as I remembered from primary school, but she was all grown up like now just like we were. So it was a mixed night of fascinating, interesting, weird and scary dreams all in one! Can't wait to see what my mind explores next!

PD Entry 13: draw a male portrait, getting into trouble by teacher

2009-12-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

12:33pm || 24 January 2009

This dream was nice and turned nasty. Well I'm a kid again and they all see me as a kid but I have the adult brain as I am looking into my dream. The setting of the dream was my old primary school, Carina State School. Ya I even remember that we were in the music room and we were told by our teacher to draw our ideal boyfriend? WTH? what kinda lesson was that? I was sitting next to Amanda Rice from primary and high school, LOL. We were given colored pencils and white paper to draw on. Can't fully remember my drawing but I know it was really bad coz Im not artistic at all. I think I drew straight hair not curly, although I was thinking of drawing curly coz I can't draw any other hairstyles. So I drew a big head and I put smiling eyes and a big smily mouth! But I drew the body very small, I think I put nike shoes on the dude and colored that in. At the end of it I was pretty satisfied with my own work. The classroom was definitely the far end one next to the library, in the music room, why we had art class when we were supposed to be learning music Im not sure.

After this class we had to leave and we went into the library next door and for some reason there wasn't anyone else there, we saw the curtain separator which divides the 2 rooms in the library, they didn't want me to open it but I did anyway and to be so embarrassed their was a teacher (Mr Lobb from hight school) in there teaching his class I felt soo sorry bout doing that.

Afterwards we made our way past the computer room and then past the grade 7's room and there was a teacher (Mr Davis this time) and his students walking in 2 straight lines passing, he glanced at me awkwardly but he kept moving and so did I in opposite directions. Then as I reached the intersection (right being heading to the administration and principals office and left being lower grade classrooms) Suddenly appeared a teacher out of nowhere, I was walking alone at this time, I don't recognize who she is but she sure was really angry at me! She was yelling at me and was like you should not be walking down here, can't you see all the kids around! "You should know this by now". I was so shocked and scared at that time, I must have been myself, old they could see my actual self now, walking like a stranger in my old primary school. I quickly turned back and passed Mr Davis and his class and turned right and went down the stairs that were beside grade 1 classroom, then I continued to run past all the squares used to play handball on. I don't remember anything after that really.

PD Entry 12: Making tuck-shop food, driving ship and fighter plane, eating dinner at high class restaurant

2009-12-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

8:15pm || 23 January 2009

Ok so it was a science class but the setting for today's lesson was in a park, late afternoon and there was a river as well. The teacher was our high school chemistry teacher Ms Gerry, and the students in the class were my primary mates. The task was to come up with a menu of food and present it, u may ask wats so scientific about tat? well we had to calculate each food's cost and worth and how much proportion is to be made and what ingredients are needed to make the food. Quite bizarre it felt more like a cooking class but we did measure and work with numbers. So we all brainstormed together on a white board and made the price for each of the foods we would sell. Then it was making the pizza and sandwiches and cakes and we actually had everything we needed or used magic somehow to make the utensils and all appear. We even had a grill fest outside in the park. Can't remember eating anything after the project but it was hella fun and it was definitely a success! All the gourmet delicious food!

So another dream that happened on the same night was having dinner with family friends on Chinese new year, but the strange thing was we were all dressed up like we were high authority people like I was in this big ball dress like some princess who is about to be served for a grand feast! Even weirder was the fact that we were eating at a high posh classed restaurant very fancy like western style foods were being served and even all the tables and chairs had really nice covers on them, kinda reminded me of how they set them when they have the dinner to celebrate 2 people's marriage. Anyway it was really nice, there was even lights and candles and the big chandelier to light the room up, funny thing was we were also the only customer there as well! We must have been in some sorta hotel coz upstairs we could hear people partying, singing chinese songs I think coz of chinese new year and here we are downstairs just enjoying our buffet, like we were just too high maintenance for tat sorta stuff! It was like we were a rich family and had to distance our selves from people below us. It felt kinda awkward coz we all heard the noise at the same time, like during a silent stop in the conversation flow, hahaha I remember that part, was like sipping my soup when everyone started on their main course already!

Ok so after all this happening the next day was a fun trip with old high school friends, well we had to divide into teams and each team had to take turns playing and doing the activities we were set out to do, but keeping in mind it was supposed to be a fun day! So we could expect anything! It was one team at a time, the rest of the teams had to wait for their turn on the grass, we were right next to the river, we had sorta guessed what we had to do, drive a cruise ship, well a mini boat like the ferry. Ok so when it was finally my group to go next they all sat down and were all exhausted for some reason and they asked me to take the wheel which I did, it was all smooth sailing. We had passed the first activity planned for us. Apparently we had 2 choices, one was to drive this ship or drive the fighter plane but nobody told us and now we realized we had to actually do both! I can't remember how we could find a fighter plane to go flying on when we out in some distant location, but funny enough the ship became the fighter plane! and guess who the captain was? me. yeah I was shocked too! I turned around and asked my team mates who wanted to take the front and they all looked really tired for some strange reason and so I had to. Instead of having the controls there, I was give a pad, with buttons and stuff on it and it was to control the plane and I had no clue, I just randomly started pressing buttons on this joypad, strange I don't actually remember anything written on the joypad just buttons and a map, like a map of the world, kinda fuzzy couldn't really make it out, but the plane suddenly became really fast and eventually I hit a button that made it lift off the ground... rite and how I managed to land it bak onto the water and change bak into a boat I haven't the slightest clue,it all happened too fast, but no failure which was good, we passed the day's activities! I even remember at one point the whole plane was circling, and even doing spiral nose dive but I managed to control any possible dangers which was really kool! Can't remember any more detail so we will leave it at that! It was a pretty packed and adventurous dream which had me wide awake, fully concentrated on what I was doing as I had lives in my hands! Good experience for a dream!

PD Entry 11: Violin Concert Dream

2009-12-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

12:37pm || 22 January 2009

Um I dunno, can't really remember who or wat was performing, the main focus and action was our seating arrangements in some sorta classic old theatre, I haven't any idea but we switched a lotta different seats, were we avoiding someone? We had like our large packbags with us like we were seriously alone wherever we were going. Afterwards, we left and outside to like a park bench with shelter like those old huts, it was night time and we were just chilling and chatting and digging through our bags looking at all the stuff, we spent so much time actually packing up and repacking everything, we had alota food with us and we had to pack it carefully back, as we were eating mostly me during the performance, was even pushed to the side seat coz i was so busy munching and didn't pay any attention to who was on stage. Gosh alota the people with me were like teens and kids like I knew them and they knew me somehow, but one person I definitely remember who was in this dream with me was Angela Si, from primary school, I can't believe it but she was in this dream suddenly.

PD Entry 10: Saturn House comes out victorious, selling book to disabled girl

2009-12-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

10:01am || 20 January 2009

Another night with 2 separate dreams. Both lasted awhile and had a lot dialogue and detail which is really good! Can't remember which dream came first but I will talk bout selling book to a stranger to find out she was actually a disabled girl first because this dream was not as enjoyable as the Saturn house one! hehe basically again I can relate both these dreams to real life, firstly this dream can be related because I have been emailing back and forth to a girl also from Griffith who wants to buy both my text books. The meet place we decided for today would be at Garden City shops outside Kmart. (Actually will be going to meet her for exchange later today) anyway so I was walking to the shops (in the dream) and then outside some department store were huge blocks of sofas and there were a lot of people sitting there and I was thinking how will I know which one is her? Then I saw an available spot and the girl next to me was like hi, I was like you must be Bernadette? and ye she was. (Real life her name is that and I was sure that I had said it aloud in the dream also). So I got out the books from my bag and made 100bucks wooo! Then we got up and left and she was disabled and had injured her feet and so I kindly offered some help to her car. I can't really remember much after this so will leave it here.

Right this dream was one of my favorites. My bro and I were the leads in this dream. We were primary school kids, yesh being little again even in a dream feels so koolfabtastic! We were just walking and to our surprise we heard a lot of noise, screams and shouts of excitement like a huge sporting event was taking place just behind the hill. So we went around to check it out and it was classic old sckool as we remembered kids running in the races on the oval and 3 house colours and their support group Jupiter, Mercury and Saturn. (LOL inspiration gotta be from Sailor Moon!) We were just starring I couldn't believe it in the dream ye I was kid and little but the kids were just so small, I think I had an actual 19 year old brain in me but I was just little person. yep it was tat. After a while of being amazed at the little kids we decided we will join in the activities for the next game, so we went to the marshaling area where there was this dude who was like asking for our names checking it on the list to see if we were part of the next group of activities and he said we weren't. Then we spotted beside us some dude in white he was a young boy in his teens most likely cheering for someone and he was quite a cute guy too and then the guy told us to just ignore him haha. Then we were kept on looking at the house support group and then the announcer was clearly saying Saturn is winning with the most points! We were also so happy at the time coz we had remembered we were both in Saturn house. Then it was afternoon and all the kids were exhausted and after we had done some few races and games we were tucked in bed! On the floor but somehow after I woke up I was like in a room, the bed I was tucked into was like those in presckool! I wasn't entirely asleep but faking it coz I was just too excited but my bro was sound asleep. So the guy was tucking me into bed and I don't know how long it took him to press my blankets tightly around me but I felt harm and safe. Then sleep took over me. After a while we both woke up and realized we had to go bak home. So we got up and got changed and packed our bags and the guy was in the room next door sitting at his desk with a fire next to him, not exactly shore whether he was writing or studying. Bro waited for me downstairs coz I was a bit slow and then I went out and said goodbye and thanked him for the hospitality. This dream felt really nice, it was fun and happy ending! Safe and Sound! Lovs its!

PD Entry 9: Swimming trip with old primary school mates at clem jones

2009-12-30T16:46:00.000-08:00

9:56am || 18 January 2009

So we got an invitation for a date to all go together for a swimming lesson? There were 30 of us in the class but only like half turned up actually more like 12. We were required to do laps in the 100m pool and we had races and stuff. Then we were told to go to the 50m pool its was a yucky water like dirty pond water and we just went along and swam. Nothing really happened and that's really all I can remember.

PD Entry 8: Lecture Theatre but in a cinema with weird surroundings

2009-12-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

11:53am || 17 January 2009

Last night had a weird, kinda educational dream but it was way better than those horrible nightmare scary dreams! I remember my boss from AllFlow being in this dream as well as some other random students from uni and in particular some high school peers too I clearly remember samantha! golf maniac and cassie V. I was next to them. We were waiting outside the cinemas like a real movie one and there was the red carpet and all that, like them classic 80s one but the light at the top said 'in use' as in it was raining inside some really weird things happening inside so we had to wait patiently outside, then I was like well Peter is probably wondering why we aren't in yet, then Sammie told me that he is waiting next to the entrance. Finally we were able to enter, and by that time Peter was already in his seat and I sat beside Sammie and we were given a blank coloured piece of paper and a black pen and we had to write words all over it and copy from the board, the lady was really wicked like some witch, we all kinda felt insecure, and we kept looking over each others shoulders to see what we had to write, it was like we were in a detention room and we had to copy and repeat like 100 lines haha. no one was complaining we just did as we were told. I don't really remember what we were writing down but I think I remember a few words that were written on my sheet, pharm pharm pharm, lol I have no idea is it short for pharmacist or because meant to be farm??? lol I'll leave it at here for now.

PD Entry 7: I'm a MURDERER! I killed someone!

2009-12-30T16:44:00.001-08:00

9:11pm || 11 January 2009

Last night I had this dream that I never thought I would before, I'm the bad guy the one who commits a serious crime of murder! It sounds so ridiculous everything inside but the only familiar known person in this dream was my mum! I have no idea what stimulated this dream but I did not like this dream at all! I hope to have a trend of happy dreams god! Anywayz here are the facts, I remember being really scared for my life! In this dream we had to search for something in a maze style spooky kinda halloween house again ye and although there were other people there as well doing the mission we had to go at it alone, I cannot remember wat exactly we had to find before we were able to come out but anyway I found someone's sunnies and by that time it was time to leave and so I just took them with me. When I came out it was time to gather round and everybody had to to report on what they had found in the house, when it was my turn to show what I had I showed them the sunnies and it turned out to belong to some guy's uncle, afterwards somehow everyone knew that someone had murdered the uncle in the house, there was evidence and because I had held onto the sunnies they automatically think it was me who had murdered him, then the boy the guy, who was my guy friend told me it was him who had killed his uncle in the house and dragged him outta sight but forgot bout the evidence of the sunnies, he told me not to tell anyone it was him, coz he was a friend I shut my mouth. Then I was the killer and had to be taken to jail but first to some court that took place at a gathering round the fire at night, it felt like I was meant to be burnt alive like they kill witches bak in the old days, at this hearing I had to speak up and prove myself I was not the killer, and if there were any witnesses to speak up for me, the boy I don't remember him being here, I told mum before this event everything and that the boy actually came up to me and told me he was the murderer of his own uncle because he hated him so much. Mum understood and said she will cover me at the gathering, the time came and no one spoke and she didn't defend me and then the dream ended.

PD Entry 6: Random email message sent to an old man

2009-12-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

10:55am || 6 January 2009

Now this dream was really scary and I was angry at myself when I woke up. This dream was actually based on a real thing I did, like what actually happened but you did not see and I was shown it in the dream. So weird coz when I woke up I was like it was only a dream, not real. I was scared in the dream, that was how real it felt.

All started when I randomly sent a email to some random guy, did not reply back and so in this dream he did and he said meet me at some hospital at like this time blah blah... So I went there and I was like Terence, and nurse showed me to his bed, he was old and sick seated on a chair not on bed. He told me all about his illness long history and I was like are you Terence and he was like yes and he told me how he reacted to the email, how shocked he was, I was really I don't know felt a little weird and insecure.

PD Entry 5: Job Interview completely pointless

2009-12-30T16:41:00.000-08:00

10:47am || 6 January 2009

Lately all my dreams have included dialogue that I actually said that I can sorta remember. I was at the meeting room for interview, with some dude and a lady and another guy, wasn't a one on one, the walls were white, I be sure that the job was promotion to students on campus but turned out to be some selling job and for a company I thought was AEISEC but actually was AEISECK, I completely felt shamed and did not know how I got into that. I remember at one point before they told me they were AEISECK they had given me a little package, there was a towel, cap and drink bottle with words AEISECK on it, I don't know they were like some mining or production company, it was werid coz they didn't mention that on there ad. I was like ok I'm leaving now I have another appointment to get to and when I exited the room, I realised where I was, at my old ballet, the old building called school of performing arts or something, I was spooked and shocked and I had driven the Honda car to get to this interview by myself, it was daytime I remember, I got in the car quickly, no one else was around me but I felt that I really had to leave this place, it was giving me the creeps, oh I searched my handbag for mobile to call dad that I was coming home now to be sure he was home, then drove myself home. The dream ended there.

PD Entry 4: Family Getaway, outing/airport/Limo

2009-12-30T16:39:00.000-08:00

10:37am || 6 January 2009

This dream I actually liked because it was like a holiday dream with different adventures and sight seeing and with family. and the funny thing is that I actually remember alot of this dream almost like it was real. My dreams are all pierced together completely randomly haha Ok well we all had luggage to carry with us, most of the scene was at the airport, but inside it was like heaps of big rooms like those ones in mansions that have just open space and no furniture or anything. But for some reason outside is like raining, storming felt like the city outside was getting flooded with heap of water. Masses of people squished together inside the airport all waiting next morning to escape on a holiday trip. I remember we all slept together on the masses of open floor on our own separate sleeping bags, I think it was only dad who slept away from us. and in the morning we all had to gather our stuff really quickly for early start to catch the cars out to destination. We had to find dad quick and since we were really late but so was everyone else we had to find the quickest path to get to the cars. The intercom was operating and everyone were up, some were stil asleep and were really confused and had to find there people, we found dad at last but then we lost him again when we arrived at the cars it was late nighttime, for some strange reason should have been morning but it wasn't, everyone boarded normal cars but there was a limo waiting for us, so strange, it was clearly a long limo with like 8 doors but when we were inside I remember clearly the driver seat the guy beside and 5 seats with the 5th one slightly turned towards the seat beside. I was next to tat seat and put my backpack there. Mum and ray were beside me, I even asked why coz it was a limo from the outside it should look like a limo inside but it was just a normal inside of any car with just back seats and front seats. Dad wasn't with us for some reason, but I think he turned out to be the guy already waiting for us in the seat beside the driver ahaha, he was actually a friend the driver! Then we just drove off and tats all I can remember.

Personal Dream Journal Entry 3: 2 Dreams in one Night? Red poison apple and biomed?

2009-12-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

9.15am || 29 November 2008

These 2 dreams felt as if they happened together in the same night, I was really tired that evening and went to bed early but somehow it must have been a really long and deep sleep because I think I even had 2 separate dreams. Quite weird, I don't normally get that, normally I'd either have just one dream or one dream during the evening and then towards daylight and I'm awake dream something totally different. Anyway I'll tell what I can remember, which isn't at all much. I think it was a school excursion to someplace. Potions class or science class maybe? The teacher was showing us all types of stuff and after a while a big red poison stain appeared across the sky, we were out in the forest, bush or something. It was shaped like an apple.

The next dream was, hmm also about school, I don't know but what's with all these school, high school dreams? must be I really miss my good old school days, back when I miss my childhood. So anyway, in the oval, sports oval, met these 2 girls, students I thought but didn't know where they came from. Like they from a hidden school, close to and near our high school. They are actually biomedicine students, they asked me to be there test runner. So I operated a stopwatch for them to do the race. Apparently I didn't do it that accurately and so they got all up me. I asked them where they go to school, they showed me a map, it was a map of our school, but somewhere hidden is there a biomed school just across this oval. It was werid coz no one else knew of have seen this biomed school in existence, it almost felt like it was magic keeping this witch skool hidden.

Personal Dream Journal Entry 2: My Birthday Celebration!

2009-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

10.43am || 5 July 2008

This dream happened on the night of Wednesday 2 July. This dream revolves around classmates and student friends. It was my birthday that night and they were gonna hav a big party at night. I think we were on a ship however didn't notice any water at all. I remember the day was spent studying. There was one room, which had the name study room or something and then 'ANITA' my name written in flashy lights like vegas lights. I had no idea why, but then when I went inside, they were having a quiet study time. I didn't know what to do and left quickly.

The dinner party that night, was very eventful. This is such a weird dream, all my dreams are weird and don't make much sense yet tie around something I have experienced or have thought much about enough to trigger a deep fantasy made belief dream. There were separate levels in the ship, you would have to walk down a flight of stairs to get to level below. It felt like a cocktail or fancy dress party, in fact the stairs were like inside the titanic ship, the carpet was like red, like very high class ball party. There was so much food spread on the table, but no one was there, maybe but I didn't notice. It's a little difficult to remember exactly what happened, it is almost a blur, I don't see myself, I see through my eyes. Funny how I still act myself in my dreams. Then I went down the stairs, there was more food, but for some reason found I couldn't eat it, that I might puke. So went down another flight of stairs to find some lesser high class sort food and ate there. That's pretty much all I remember from that dream.

The night of July 1, another dream about students and school. We were all waiting for a night exam to start, it never did. We sat there waiting for instructions from someone but nobody. We were all eager to start the exam paper, I started to scribble I think, we were all wondering what was wrong. Then we heard from someone it was cancelled. It was cancelled to the next night or a week following. We were I think on vacation, having holidays while also having this exam. We were all in teams to study for the exam. The next day we were like going for a little walk, it felt like in a remote island we were, but also having this exam to take. I think the exam was marketing research? how the? Then we talked about having a get together to study in the early morning the next day. That night I got a e-mail message with a media file of one of our group members. He was talking about ideas to discuss at the study meeting. I unfortunately was late to that.

2009-12-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

xavier rudd, jackson browne, def leddard, steve aoki, primal fear, incubus, memento, pablo gustavo kaluchik, los campesinos, xandria, tio lucho los cosmoparlantez, blasted mechanism, bruce springsteen, avishai cohen trio DJ river, DJ 10 tonnes, marion meadows, the boogie, maren morris band, depeche mode, nerd, cruise, nine inch nails, jeff and vida, herman's hermits, nouvelle vague, lea salonga, the gaslight anthem, aira mitsuki, hollywood undead, mogwai, dela soul, the grates, the flaming lips, keane, the presets,

2009-11-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

What do Tina Turner, Natasha Bedingfield, Arjun Rampal, thanksgiving and I have in common?

2009-11-21T21:42:00.001-08:00

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• Jem - Missing You Lyrics
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• Blink-182 - I Miss You Lyrics
• Tracy Chapman - Fast Car Lyrics
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• Metallica - Nothing Else Matters Lyrics
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• Don Mclean - American Pie Lyrics
• Aerosmith - I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing Lyrics
• Coldplay - Yellow Lyrics
• Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me Lyrics
• Paris Hilton - My BFF Lyrics
• Ludacris - One More Drink Lyrics

• Usher - Nice & Slow Lyrics
• Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So Lyrics
• Journey - Wheel In The Sky Lyrics
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• Avril Lavigne - The Best Damn Thing Lyrics
• Dr.dre - Still D.r.e. Lyrics

• Rachel Lampa - You Lift Me Up Lyrics
• Nickelback - Leader Of Men Lyrics
• Foo Fighters - How I Miss You Lyrics
• Switchfoot - Learning To Breath Lyrics
• Shaggy - Hey Sexy Lady (Remix) Lyrics
• Xavier Naidoo - Nicht Von Dieser Welt Lyrics
• Trey Songz - Missing You Lyrics
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• The Used - Paralyzed Lyrics
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• T-Pain - Karaoke Lyrics
• Enya - White is in the Winter Night Lyrics

• Jem - Missing You Lyrics
• Fuel - Bittersweet Lyrics
• Marc Cohn - True Companion Lyrics
• A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran So Far Away Lyrics
• Something Corporate - I Want To Save You Lyrics
• 50 Cent - What Up Gangsta Lyrics
• Gnarls Barkley - Crazy Lyrics
• John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change Lyrics
• Brad Paisley - Wrapped Around Lyrics
• Garbage - Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!) Lyrics

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