Wednesday, May 15, 2013
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proboards.com RollerCoaster Tycoon 2 нυииιe вυмρкιи
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/ newgrounds
"Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" Ouiji board Séance
www.vh1.com/music/vh1classic/main.jhtml
http://www.pimp-text.com/ myth, legend, fable, fairy tale
Ch'i, Qi, Ki or Prana
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Moved by instinct - you believe and you will.. but you won't always be right
(\__/) (='.'=) (") (")Life is a game, there are no rules, play against yourself! no expectations, no limitations, no disappointments youtube.com/thylianchan
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
Christopher Columbus
Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Student: " In a mirror...duh."
LIGHT THE LIGHT FOR OTHERS
When you see no light at the end of the tunnel, make one at your end for those that wish to enter from the other side.
I am responsible.
Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.
I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.
Walter Anderson
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.-Katharine Whitehorn
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Love tips
Gravitation cannot be held responsible
for people falling in love
- Albert Einstein -
The future is not some place we are going to but one we are creating. The paths to it are not found but made.
John Schaar
Rusted Metal Furniture
Rusted metal furniture can be made like new by rubbing it down with turpentine.
Don't Be All Alone
When consideration ceases to be two-way deal, one may start playing solitaire.
Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."
Humble Pie
Those who always expect to eat humble pie. Don't know what the true sweetness of humbleness means!
A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"
Nobodys perfect
"I don't want to be a sex symbol. I would rather be a symbol of a woman, a woman who makes mistakes, perhaps, but a woman who loves."
If you're still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today.
Joyce Chapman
You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
History Lesson
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
--Leo Tolstoy
One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over. You see, your problem won't improve with age.
Warren Buffett
+ General JokePresident Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success. At a cost of $500M, James Cameron's Avatar garnered only three minor awards. It's the costliest project to produce such little results since the Obama stimulus package.
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
your sweet tooth may not be as bad as you think
Craving chocolate? Have some dark chocolate! Recent research has shown that moderate consumption of dark chocolate may be good for your heart. Supplementing the average American diet with 1/2 an ounce of dark chocolate has shown to have a healthy effect on blood cholesterol levels. So, go ahead and indulge!
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
R. Buckminster Fuller
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.-Sir Winston Churchill
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
What I Have
“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the tings you hoped for”
We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light, which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.
Woodrow T. Wilson
about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
Ball point ink out
Ever have a pen leak in your pants/shirt pockets? Well I have and it's not pretty,
just use hairspray, wash by hand, if it doesn't work the first time, the second time it will come right out...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
When you are feeling down
1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.
3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.
5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.
6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.
8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.
9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.
13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.
14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.
15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.
16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.
17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!
- JWD -
Christopher Columbus
Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Student: " In a mirror...duh."
LIGHT THE LIGHT FOR OTHERS
When you see no light at the end of the tunnel, make one at your end for those that wish to enter from the other side.
I am responsible.
Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.
I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.
Walter Anderson
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.-Katharine Whitehorn
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Love tips
Gravitation cannot be held responsible
for people falling in love
- Albert Einstein -
The future is not some place we are going to but one we are creating. The paths to it are not found but made.
John Schaar
Rusted Metal Furniture
Rusted metal furniture can be made like new by rubbing it down with turpentine.
Don't Be All Alone
When consideration ceases to be two-way deal, one may start playing solitaire.
Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."
Humble Pie
Those who always expect to eat humble pie. Don't know what the true sweetness of humbleness means!
A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"
Nobodys perfect
"I don't want to be a sex symbol. I would rather be a symbol of a woman, a woman who makes mistakes, perhaps, but a woman who loves."
If you're still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today.
Joyce Chapman
You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
History Lesson
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
--Leo Tolstoy
One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over. You see, your problem won't improve with age.
Warren Buffett
+ General JokePresident Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success. At a cost of $500M, James Cameron's Avatar garnered only three minor awards. It's the costliest project to produce such little results since the Obama stimulus package.
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
your sweet tooth may not be as bad as you think
Craving chocolate? Have some dark chocolate! Recent research has shown that moderate consumption of dark chocolate may be good for your heart. Supplementing the average American diet with 1/2 an ounce of dark chocolate has shown to have a healthy effect on blood cholesterol levels. So, go ahead and indulge!
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
R. Buckminster Fuller
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.-Sir Winston Churchill
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
What I Have
“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the tings you hoped for”
We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light, which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.
Woodrow T. Wilson
about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
Ball point ink out
Ever have a pen leak in your pants/shirt pockets? Well I have and it's not pretty,
just use hairspray, wash by hand, if it doesn't work the first time, the second time it will come right out...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
When you are feeling down
1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.
3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.
5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.
6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.
8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.
9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.
13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.
14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.
15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.
16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.
17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!
- JWD -
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
Arguing
I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me.
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
Why women should watch their waistline.
While putting on weight in general can have negative effects on your health, belly fat is particularly unhealthy.
Recommendations call for women to; keep their waist measurement under 35 inches. A waist size of 35 inches or more may increase your risk of: Cardiovascular disease, Diabetes, Gallbladder problems, Colorectal cancer, Breast cancer, Metabolic syndrome, High blood pressure, Stroke.
In a large study of nearly 45,000 women who were followed for 16 years, researchers found that having a large waist size increased their risk of dying of cardiovascular disease, even if they were not generally overweight. A large European study involving nearly 360,000 people also found that their overall fat content and abdominal fat content were strong predictors of their risk of death.
Some evidence also suggests that having a large waist measurement increases your risk of developing urinary incontinence and your risk of developing dementia later in life.
- Mayo Clinic-
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
CONSIDERATION
Never consider yourself less than anyone, though never consider anyone less than yourself.
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy
Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.
+ General JokeThe Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Learning from failure
You've failed many times, although you don't remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. . . . Don't worry about failure. . . . Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.
-- Sherman Finesilver, US District Court Judge
Negatives and positives are most always based on perception and tend to rent space in our minds and largely dictate our reaction to situations.
M. Raymond Sheppard
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Be Careful Microwaving Water
Microwave water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or tea bag is put into it.
To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.
Here is what our local science teacher had to say on the matter: 'Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water (less than half a cup).
What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point.
What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.'
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
Henry Van Dyke
During a dinner party, the hosts?two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, ou see, it is vanishing cream!?br />
Craking the controversy about eggs
A new study has shown than, for many people, eggs can be a part of a healthy diet. They are good sources of protein, folate and minerals. And nutrients found in eggs, such as lutein and zeaxanthin, are important for people susceptible to developing eye problems such as macular degeneration and cataracts.
A recent study found that men who ate six or fewer eggs a week had no change in their level of risk of death. However, eating more than one egg a day was linked to an increase in the risk of death. Men with diabetes who ate any eggs also had a greater risk of all causes of mortality.
Diet guidelines aimed at restricting eggs should not be generalized to include everyone. It bet to follow the individual advice of your doctor or dietitian about eggs.
If you need to restrict your eggs, the fat and cholesterol is found in the egg yolk, not in the whites. You can substitute two egg whites for one whole egg in breads, pancakes and baked goods. Or try a cholesterol-free eggs substitute. Usually ?cup of egg substitute equals one whole egg.
- Mayo Clinic -
When you get right down to the root of the meaning of the word "succeed," you find that it simply means to follow through.
F. W. Nichol
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
The beginning of enlightenment....
“Accepting the essence of who you truly are is the beginning of enlightenment."
A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths;
feels your fears but fortifies your faith;
sees your anxieties but frees your spirit;
recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.
William Arthur Ward
The time is always right to do what is right.-Martin Luther King, Jr.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
WHERE THERE ARE NO COMPETITORS
The advantage of being narcissistic is that one need never fear a rival
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?
The horses name is Friday
VALUE IS IN THE BELIEVING
Paper money, like virtue, has value only so long as people believe that it does.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Half a worm.
Success doesn't come to you. You go to it.
Marva Collins
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
THE HIGH PRICE OF ADMISSION
Freedom is a wonderful thing to have guaranteed in our laws; however, many freedoms are meaningless unless one has first acquired the economic means to exercise them.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
Arguing
I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me.
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
Why women should watch their waistline.
While putting on weight in general can have negative effects on your health, belly fat is particularly unhealthy.
Recommendations call for women to; keep their waist measurement under 35 inches. A waist size of 35 inches or more may increase your risk of: Cardiovascular disease, Diabetes, Gallbladder problems, Colorectal cancer, Breast cancer, Metabolic syndrome, High blood pressure, Stroke.
In a large study of nearly 45,000 women who were followed for 16 years, researchers found that having a large waist size increased their risk of dying of cardiovascular disease, even if they were not generally overweight. A large European study involving nearly 360,000 people also found that their overall fat content and abdominal fat content were strong predictors of their risk of death.
Some evidence also suggests that having a large waist measurement increases your risk of developing urinary incontinence and your risk of developing dementia later in life.
- Mayo Clinic-
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
CONSIDERATION
Never consider yourself less than anyone, though never consider anyone less than yourself.
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy
Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.
+ General JokeThe Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Learning from failure
You've failed many times, although you don't remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. . . . Don't worry about failure. . . . Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.
-- Sherman Finesilver, US District Court Judge
Negatives and positives are most always based on perception and tend to rent space in our minds and largely dictate our reaction to situations.
M. Raymond Sheppard
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Be Careful Microwaving Water
Microwave water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or tea bag is put into it.
To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.
Here is what our local science teacher had to say on the matter: 'Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water (less than half a cup).
What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point.
What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.'
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
Henry Van Dyke
During a dinner party, the hosts?two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, ou see, it is vanishing cream!?br />
Craking the controversy about eggs
A new study has shown than, for many people, eggs can be a part of a healthy diet. They are good sources of protein, folate and minerals. And nutrients found in eggs, such as lutein and zeaxanthin, are important for people susceptible to developing eye problems such as macular degeneration and cataracts.
A recent study found that men who ate six or fewer eggs a week had no change in their level of risk of death. However, eating more than one egg a day was linked to an increase in the risk of death. Men with diabetes who ate any eggs also had a greater risk of all causes of mortality.
Diet guidelines aimed at restricting eggs should not be generalized to include everyone. It bet to follow the individual advice of your doctor or dietitian about eggs.
If you need to restrict your eggs, the fat and cholesterol is found in the egg yolk, not in the whites. You can substitute two egg whites for one whole egg in breads, pancakes and baked goods. Or try a cholesterol-free eggs substitute. Usually ?cup of egg substitute equals one whole egg.
- Mayo Clinic -
When you get right down to the root of the meaning of the word "succeed," you find that it simply means to follow through.
F. W. Nichol
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
The beginning of enlightenment....
“Accepting the essence of who you truly are is the beginning of enlightenment."
A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths;
feels your fears but fortifies your faith;
sees your anxieties but frees your spirit;
recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.
William Arthur Ward
The time is always right to do what is right.-Martin Luther King, Jr.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
WHERE THERE ARE NO COMPETITORS
The advantage of being narcissistic is that one need never fear a rival
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?
The horses name is Friday
VALUE IS IN THE BELIEVING
Paper money, like virtue, has value only so long as people believe that it does.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Half a worm.
Success doesn't come to you. You go to it.
Marva Collins
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
THE HIGH PRICE OF ADMISSION
Freedom is a wonderful thing to have guaranteed in our laws; however, many freedoms are meaningless unless one has first acquired the economic means to exercise them.
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,?the female brain is less because it has been used."
Contentment
Contentment isn't getting what we want, but being satisfied with what we have.
You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.
James G. Bilkey
"MADRID (Reuters) - Flight attendants owed up to nine months' wages by a grounded Spanish airline have posed nude for a calendar to draw attention to their plight, one of the cabin crew turned models said on Wednesday. "The calendar, numerous excerpts of which appeared in the Spanish media, shows the Air Comet attendants, all female, posing provocatively in and outside airline cabins, and in one case on top of a jet turbine. "We are just demanding our rights to receive what is ours, we each have eight or nine months of unpaid salaries," attendant Adriana Ricardo, who appears in the calendar, told Reuters. Air Comet management state that they probably won't be able to pay the back-wages in 2010 eiether, and are eagerly looking forward to the 2011 calendar.
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants.
The question is, "What are we busy about"?
Henry David Thoreau
It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.-Moliere
Write it Down
If you want to improve your memory try writing down all your worries. Researchers have speculated that the cathartic act of writing down your feelings may free up cognitive resources in your brain. The physical act of writing down your worries frees your mind from avoiding thoughts about them. Hence, your mental energies that were devoted to avoidance are now free for other tasks, such as building up your memory skills.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
Eric Hoffer
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night.
Fools in Love
It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
--Oriah Mountain Dreamer
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
Add Fitness to your Daily Routine.
If you find you can't devote enough time to getting in shape as you would like, there are still plenty of ways you can keep your body active while going about your normal routine.
Try to use stairways instead of elevators whenever possible.
If you can walk there or take a bike, let your body burn energy instead of taking your car.
If you are driving, instead of wasting time looking for a good spot, park further away and walk a couple extra blocks.
Turn your housework into a fitness challenge: Sweep and mop using as much energy as possible, exaggerating your arm movements. Fold your clothes and do a couple sets of squats at the same time. Whatever you're doing try and incorporate in some sort of routine that gets your muscles working and heart rate moving.
And if you absolutely can't miss your favorite show on TV, try doing some sit-ups and push-ups while you watch or during commercials.
+ General JokeA boat docked in a tiny Irish fishing village. An American tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take relax with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the fiddle and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Dublin, London or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" they asked. And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there...
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Health Quicks
The portion sizes in most restaurants are far more than what your body needs – or should consume. Luckily, there is a solution. When dining out, eat only half of what you are given, then take the rest home for lunch the next day.
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
Worrying
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do, but in the end you never get anywhere."
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles Schultz
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
The patient should be made to understand that he or she must take charge of his own life. Don't take your body to the doctor as if he were a repair shop.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Sally Berger
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of success is consistency of purpose.
Benjamin Disraeli
The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. -H. L. Mencken
+ General JokeA woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. 'It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Contentment
Contentment isn't getting what we want, but being satisfied with what we have.
You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.
James G. Bilkey
"MADRID (Reuters) - Flight attendants owed up to nine months' wages by a grounded Spanish airline have posed nude for a calendar to draw attention to their plight, one of the cabin crew turned models said on Wednesday. "The calendar, numerous excerpts of which appeared in the Spanish media, shows the Air Comet attendants, all female, posing provocatively in and outside airline cabins, and in one case on top of a jet turbine. "We are just demanding our rights to receive what is ours, we each have eight or nine months of unpaid salaries," attendant Adriana Ricardo, who appears in the calendar, told Reuters. Air Comet management state that they probably won't be able to pay the back-wages in 2010 eiether, and are eagerly looking forward to the 2011 calendar.
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants.
The question is, "What are we busy about"?
Henry David Thoreau
It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.-Moliere
Write it Down
If you want to improve your memory try writing down all your worries. Researchers have speculated that the cathartic act of writing down your feelings may free up cognitive resources in your brain. The physical act of writing down your worries frees your mind from avoiding thoughts about them. Hence, your mental energies that were devoted to avoidance are now free for other tasks, such as building up your memory skills.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
Eric Hoffer
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night.
Fools in Love
It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
--Oriah Mountain Dreamer
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
Add Fitness to your Daily Routine.
If you find you can't devote enough time to getting in shape as you would like, there are still plenty of ways you can keep your body active while going about your normal routine.
Try to use stairways instead of elevators whenever possible.
If you can walk there or take a bike, let your body burn energy instead of taking your car.
If you are driving, instead of wasting time looking for a good spot, park further away and walk a couple extra blocks.
Turn your housework into a fitness challenge: Sweep and mop using as much energy as possible, exaggerating your arm movements. Fold your clothes and do a couple sets of squats at the same time. Whatever you're doing try and incorporate in some sort of routine that gets your muscles working and heart rate moving.
And if you absolutely can't miss your favorite show on TV, try doing some sit-ups and push-ups while you watch or during commercials.
+ General JokeA boat docked in a tiny Irish fishing village. An American tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take relax with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the fiddle and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Dublin, London or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" they asked. And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there...
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Health Quicks
The portion sizes in most restaurants are far more than what your body needs – or should consume. Luckily, there is a solution. When dining out, eat only half of what you are given, then take the rest home for lunch the next day.
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
Worrying
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do, but in the end you never get anywhere."
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles Schultz
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
The patient should be made to understand that he or she must take charge of his own life. Don't take your body to the doctor as if he were a repair shop.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Sally Berger
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of success is consistency of purpose.
Benjamin Disraeli
The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. -H. L. Mencken
+ General JokeA woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. 'It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Nature gave us two ends: one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then, man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
Robert Albert Bloch
Corporate Corruption
Allowing managers and directors to choose and pay their accountants directly; is like letting the warden and guards be chosen and paid by the convicts.
Things to do II
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Interdependence
The maturity continuum is a movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. All phases of life start out (personal, professional) as dependent (take care of me, you do it). Hopefully, in a reasonable period we move to independence( I take care of myself, I can do it). To reach true maturity we finally say: we can do it, we can cooperate, we can create something bigger than ourselves.
In light of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, PM Gordon Brownsent a stern message to the bankrupt country: "WE SAID CASH, NOT ASH!" NB: Nice topical joke to finish the week..
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Shopping away
Save time at the grocery store by making a list of things you need to buy ahead of time. Try to avoid spontaneousely picking items from the store, because you will probably need to buy complimentary things that go with this extra item. Following your shopping list will save you time on wondering what to buy and money by not buying not needed items.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."
THE WALL THAT LASTS
Making love, is to a lasting marriage, as mortar is to the bricks of a wall; you can have the mortar without the brick wall and you can have a brick wall without the mortar, at least for a while.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. You can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.
Vince Lombardi
+ General JokeIt's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit......On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government (substitute another country if you like) is conducting business today.
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
Yoga for Stress Management
Hatha yoga is a practice which is 5000 years old, and is now being used throughout the world by millions to improve health and reduce stress. Forward bends, whether done standing or seated, are said to be the most relaxing poses for the nervous system. Several times daily, take a few moments to fold forward from the hips, keeping the spine long, and breath deeply, completely restoring calmness and energy. If you have high blood pressure or glaucoma, this pose should only be done from a seated position so that your head remains higher than your heart.
A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate.
To be educated
To be educated is not hard, it is a continuous process of hard work.
Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.
Barbara Holland
When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Worrying?
Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can rock forever but it will get you nowhere
True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.
Samuel Johnson
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Use third party libraries cautiously!
While third party or open source libraries can save you time, make sure they really fulfill the needs of your project before you commit. You could end up spending many hours of your time debugging and enhancing code you don't understand very well.
During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
Don't Be Offended
If another says something hurtful, it is wise to ignore it;
if the words were not intended to hurt,
our resentment will hurt the innocent;
if the words were intended to hurt,
our resentment will reward the guilty.
+ General Joke A squaddie gets posted to Iraq, and is stuck out in the middle of the desert starting to feel really h0rny. In desperation he turns to his Corporal and asks what the men do for s3x on this lonely desert outpost? "Ah," says the Corporal "There's a couple of camels around the back of the NAAFI bar we use." The young squaddy is horrified! The thought of having s3x with a camel terrifies him, so he decides to keep a lid on it. Weeks pass, and the itch finally gets too strong. Fortified by a couple of beers, he goes around the back of the bar, drops his trousers, and sticks one up the camel. As he's humping (pardon the pun) away, he looks around and sees his Corporal standing staring. "Well," says the Corporal "We usually ride the camels into town and visit the br0thel, but whatever floats your boat..."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Wisdom Of Ages
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.
-Arabian Proverb-
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Nature gave us two ends: one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then, man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
Robert Albert Bloch
Corporate Corruption
Allowing managers and directors to choose and pay their accountants directly; is like letting the warden and guards be chosen and paid by the convicts.
Things to do II
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Interdependence
The maturity continuum is a movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. All phases of life start out (personal, professional) as dependent (take care of me, you do it). Hopefully, in a reasonable period we move to independence( I take care of myself, I can do it). To reach true maturity we finally say: we can do it, we can cooperate, we can create something bigger than ourselves.
In light of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, PM Gordon Brownsent a stern message to the bankrupt country: "WE SAID CASH, NOT ASH!" NB: Nice topical joke to finish the week..
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Shopping away
Save time at the grocery store by making a list of things you need to buy ahead of time. Try to avoid spontaneousely picking items from the store, because you will probably need to buy complimentary things that go with this extra item. Following your shopping list will save you time on wondering what to buy and money by not buying not needed items.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."
THE WALL THAT LASTS
Making love, is to a lasting marriage, as mortar is to the bricks of a wall; you can have the mortar without the brick wall and you can have a brick wall without the mortar, at least for a while.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. You can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.
Vince Lombardi
+ General JokeIt's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit......On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government (substitute another country if you like) is conducting business today.
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
Yoga for Stress Management
Hatha yoga is a practice which is 5000 years old, and is now being used throughout the world by millions to improve health and reduce stress. Forward bends, whether done standing or seated, are said to be the most relaxing poses for the nervous system. Several times daily, take a few moments to fold forward from the hips, keeping the spine long, and breath deeply, completely restoring calmness and energy. If you have high blood pressure or glaucoma, this pose should only be done from a seated position so that your head remains higher than your heart.
A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate.
To be educated
To be educated is not hard, it is a continuous process of hard work.
Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.
Barbara Holland
When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Worrying?
Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can rock forever but it will get you nowhere
True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.
Samuel Johnson
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Use third party libraries cautiously!
While third party or open source libraries can save you time, make sure they really fulfill the needs of your project before you commit. You could end up spending many hours of your time debugging and enhancing code you don't understand very well.
During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
Don't Be Offended
If another says something hurtful, it is wise to ignore it;
if the words were not intended to hurt,
our resentment will hurt the innocent;
if the words were intended to hurt,
our resentment will reward the guilty.
+ General Joke A squaddie gets posted to Iraq, and is stuck out in the middle of the desert starting to feel really h0rny. In desperation he turns to his Corporal and asks what the men do for s3x on this lonely desert outpost? "Ah," says the Corporal "There's a couple of camels around the back of the NAAFI bar we use." The young squaddy is horrified! The thought of having s3x with a camel terrifies him, so he decides to keep a lid on it. Weeks pass, and the itch finally gets too strong. Fortified by a couple of beers, he goes around the back of the bar, drops his trousers, and sticks one up the camel. As he's humping (pardon the pun) away, he looks around and sees his Corporal standing staring. "Well," says the Corporal "We usually ride the camels into town and visit the br0thel, but whatever floats your boat..."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Wisdom Of Ages
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.
-Arabian Proverb-
Friday, March 5, 2010
+ General JokeThe New York Philharmonic gave an emotional first-ever concert in North Korea yesterday, in which some of the musicians were in tears by the end of the performance. The North Koreans were saddened and confused, wondering why all that heating fuel was used as noise-makers.
Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?
New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.
Snuggle Up
Even nonsexual contacts like handholding can prompt the release of oxytocin, the so-called love hormone; it ignites sexual arousal, relaxes you, and increases sensitivity to touch.
Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one lese will be able to make that happen. Accept who your are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
Stacey Charter
When the eagles are silent, the parrots being to jabber. -Winston Churchill
A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.
Everything is all right
There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.
- Jules Renard
Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Success
Man sees first his failure or success, his joy or sorrow, before it swings into visibility from the scenes set in his own imagination. Life is a game of boomerangs, be careful of your thoughts, they will come back to you!
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
Get to know the locals
Wherever you go, locals are the key to finding out the best places to go whether it be for a nice dinner or to a deserted beach. Befriending locals can bring you knowledge of all the secret places that most tourists dream of. Take the time to talk to people and you'll get some good tips on where to go and end up learning a lot more about the places you visit.
A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
Online Dating Safety Tips
Here are some online and offline dating tips for:
Online dating
1. Do not include any personal information in your profile. Reputable dating sites have a privacy policy so that their members can be part of a safe online dating environment and any personal information given will not be revealed to others.
2. Take your time getting to know someone online before giving any personal information about yourself and before arranging to meet.
3. Don’t lie in your profile or upload a fake photograph. Do you want to meet someone who is faking his/her identity or photo?
4. It is a good idea to set up a free email account like yahoo. This way you do not have to use your main personal email address in the event that you no longer wish to have contact with a member.
5. Be careful if you think a member is lying to you. Beware of someone who pressures you for anything including personal details or an early date.
6. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable stop messaging him/her. Reputable dating sites provide features for you to report inappropriate messaging or even blocking these users.
Offline dating
1. If you would like to meet someone "offline" only reveal minimal information to begin with. Start with your email address and then maybe your mobile. As email and even phone number can be changed easily if necessary.
2. If you call another member use the "block my number" feature to prevent your number appearing on his/her phone.
3. If you arrange to meet someone, always make sure the meeting point is in a public place and preferably in daylight for the first meeting. Always let someone else know who you are going to meet, where you are going and what time you should be back home.
4. If you're drinking alcohol, don’t drink too much and never leave your drink unattended.
5. Finally, be sensible and trust your instincts – they are usually right!
Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Love more and all good things will be yours.
Healthy Eating
Healthy eating starts at the grocery store. To make your shopping trip a success, buy fresh foods when possible and road food labels on prepared foods. If you are looking for quick and healthy option, buy precut vegetables and bagged salad mixes. Plan a week’s worth of menus before shopping, and then make a list of ingredient you’ll need - and stick to it.
- Mayo Clinic -
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….' skanz hoars are xhit 4 sho weep squeak bleed n more fakers tweetkers with blood gun holes fir eburns in your mind while cracks making u blind flame ya’ll coz u got none of mine u stressed don rest coz ma beats gonna break fu dang whore, mind tricsk are what I posses crave you wigga hoe ur in a reckful mess what u say bitch? Well I say u die mofo like my wrist fist no miss can’t take dis wen pharaohs unite ur gone alright thick swords death curse get ma rhyme 2 nite yo wigga lyin shor t on west nigga u think u know all well too best well ur meaning does not pass noute on the richer scale u bloat and scream but still ur case’s on trial 1 ask can’t pass ur dawggy ass are u ready for this mother f-er forever u know it’s ur last My 1 shot has got u fully off My hommies know my drill and us ganstas thrill 4 thugs rule life that right till the day we die, my crippers were made to walk and crip whats next u getting x-ed baby im making a mix Lyrics Copyright 2008 CMW Corp
Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?
New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.
Snuggle Up
Even nonsexual contacts like handholding can prompt the release of oxytocin, the so-called love hormone; it ignites sexual arousal, relaxes you, and increases sensitivity to touch.
Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one lese will be able to make that happen. Accept who your are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
Stacey Charter
When the eagles are silent, the parrots being to jabber. -Winston Churchill
A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.
Everything is all right
There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.
- Jules Renard
Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Success
Man sees first his failure or success, his joy or sorrow, before it swings into visibility from the scenes set in his own imagination. Life is a game of boomerangs, be careful of your thoughts, they will come back to you!
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
Get to know the locals
Wherever you go, locals are the key to finding out the best places to go whether it be for a nice dinner or to a deserted beach. Befriending locals can bring you knowledge of all the secret places that most tourists dream of. Take the time to talk to people and you'll get some good tips on where to go and end up learning a lot more about the places you visit.
A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
Online Dating Safety Tips
Here are some online and offline dating tips for:
Online dating
1. Do not include any personal information in your profile. Reputable dating sites have a privacy policy so that their members can be part of a safe online dating environment and any personal information given will not be revealed to others.
2. Take your time getting to know someone online before giving any personal information about yourself and before arranging to meet.
3. Don’t lie in your profile or upload a fake photograph. Do you want to meet someone who is faking his/her identity or photo?
4. It is a good idea to set up a free email account like yahoo. This way you do not have to use your main personal email address in the event that you no longer wish to have contact with a member.
5. Be careful if you think a member is lying to you. Beware of someone who pressures you for anything including personal details or an early date.
6. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable stop messaging him/her. Reputable dating sites provide features for you to report inappropriate messaging or even blocking these users.
Offline dating
1. If you would like to meet someone "offline" only reveal minimal information to begin with. Start with your email address and then maybe your mobile. As email and even phone number can be changed easily if necessary.
2. If you call another member use the "block my number" feature to prevent your number appearing on his/her phone.
3. If you arrange to meet someone, always make sure the meeting point is in a public place and preferably in daylight for the first meeting. Always let someone else know who you are going to meet, where you are going and what time you should be back home.
4. If you're drinking alcohol, don’t drink too much and never leave your drink unattended.
5. Finally, be sensible and trust your instincts – they are usually right!
Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Love more and all good things will be yours.
Healthy Eating
Healthy eating starts at the grocery store. To make your shopping trip a success, buy fresh foods when possible and road food labels on prepared foods. If you are looking for quick and healthy option, buy precut vegetables and bagged salad mixes. Plan a week’s worth of menus before shopping, and then make a list of ingredient you’ll need - and stick to it.
- Mayo Clinic -
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….' skanz hoars are xhit 4 sho weep squeak bleed n more fakers tweetkers with blood gun holes fir eburns in your mind while cracks making u blind flame ya’ll coz u got none of mine u stressed don rest coz ma beats gonna break fu dang whore, mind tricsk are what I posses crave you wigga hoe ur in a reckful mess what u say bitch? Well I say u die mofo like my wrist fist no miss can’t take dis wen pharaohs unite ur gone alright thick swords death curse get ma rhyme 2 nite yo wigga lyin shor t on west nigga u think u know all well too best well ur meaning does not pass noute on the richer scale u bloat and scream but still ur case’s on trial 1 ask can’t pass ur dawggy ass are u ready for this mother f-er forever u know it’s ur last My 1 shot has got u fully off My hommies know my drill and us ganstas thrill 4 thugs rule life that right till the day we die, my crippers were made to walk and crip whats next u getting x-ed baby im making a mix Lyrics Copyright 2008 CMW Corp
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