7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...
1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.
2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.
3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.
4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.
5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.
6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".
7- Whine about the high cost of flying...
Trust
If someone you trust does something against you the first time, then shame on him or her; if you trust them again and they do something against you a second time, then shame on you.
If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..
You have to eat!!!!
You can stop smoking, drinking, abusing drugs, biting your fingernails, etc. However, you cannot stop eating. No matter how much you want to lose weight, you have to eat. The secret is to slowly but permanently change your habits. Continue to enjoy eating and the social interaction that eating usually involves. Don't be too hard on yourself or feel guilty about eating. Do follow some very common sense tips about healthy eating. These tips are available in so many places. Practice some of these methods and stay away from fads.
Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event.
You don't fail overnight.
Instead, failure is a few errors in judgement, repeated every day.
Jim Rohn
Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
Monday, January 4, 2010
+ General JokeCharles Barkley is griping about the fact that Tiger Woods isn't answering his phone to accept help from fellow celebrities on dealing with his problems. Sir Charles also offered up tips to Tiger to improve his golf swing, and will share some sure fire methods to beat the house in Vegas.
A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.
'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.
The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'
The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:
'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'
The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'
The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.
'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'
The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.
The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:
'See what you have done? You broke my head.'
'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.
Try Harder
How many times, as a manager, have you said to your staff, "We have to try harder!" Could we be trying too hard? If you try too hard for something it may lead to the following problems: working harder instead of smarter, unimaginative problem solving, unrealistic goals, self-defeating attitude, and being too critical on yourself. Sometimes trying too hard back fires, because of the unwanted stress created by the above terminology of trying harder. Instead of trying harder, next time try on working smarter.
Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.
Jim Rohn
A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”
A Mother's love
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
- Washington Irving
+ General JokeApparently, the sign (meaning "Work will make you free") from above the gateway to Auschwitz camp has been stolen. Now, I'm not going to suggest that I have anything but disgust for either the regime that organized this camp or the people who stole the sign. The comments of the museum staff, however, beggar belief- they consider that the sign would be "difficult to sell!" So I suppose we can look forward to seeing it on ebay tomorrow!
A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.
'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.
The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'
The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:
'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'
The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'
The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.
'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'
The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.
The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:
'See what you have done? You broke my head.'
'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.
Try Harder
How many times, as a manager, have you said to your staff, "We have to try harder!" Could we be trying too hard? If you try too hard for something it may lead to the following problems: working harder instead of smarter, unimaginative problem solving, unrealistic goals, self-defeating attitude, and being too critical on yourself. Sometimes trying too hard back fires, because of the unwanted stress created by the above terminology of trying harder. Instead of trying harder, next time try on working smarter.
Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.
Jim Rohn
A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”
A Mother's love
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
- Washington Irving
+ General JokeApparently, the sign (meaning "Work will make you free") from above the gateway to Auschwitz camp has been stolen. Now, I'm not going to suggest that I have anything but disgust for either the regime that organized this camp or the people who stole the sign. The comments of the museum staff, however, beggar belief- they consider that the sign would be "difficult to sell!" So I suppose we can look forward to seeing it on ebay tomorrow!
It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."
The Value of Reason
"The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason. Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers. Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."
Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.
Jim Rohn
A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.
Be an active listener
The best tip anyone could give is to follow the golden rule. If you do something to someone that does not feel right, it probably wasn't. I don't think there are a lot of bad people, but I do feel that people today do not take the time to get in the habit of following the rule. This leads to many different problems that become bad habits. Just get in the habit of following the golden rule and you will find that issues you had before are not so bad now.
Learning is the beginning of wealth.
Learning is the beginning of health.
Learning is the beginning of spirituality.
Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.
Jim Rohn
Career Advice
Find something that you enjoy doing so much that you'd do it for nothing, and pretty soon you'll be paid more than you can spend.
Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"
It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.
Jim Rohn
The Value of Reason
"The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason. Misery, iniquity, and utter destruction lurk in the shadows outside its full light, where half-truths snare the faithful disciples, the deeply feeling believers, the selfless followers. Faith and feelings are the warm marrow of evil. Unlike reason, faith and feelings provide no boundary to limit any delusion, any whim. They are a virulent poison, giving the numbing illusion of moral sanction to every depravity ever hatched. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. Reason is the very substance of truth itself. The glory that is life is wholly embraced through reason. In rejecting reason, one embraces death."
Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.
Jim Rohn
A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.
Be an active listener
The best tip anyone could give is to follow the golden rule. If you do something to someone that does not feel right, it probably wasn't. I don't think there are a lot of bad people, but I do feel that people today do not take the time to get in the habit of following the rule. This leads to many different problems that become bad habits. Just get in the habit of following the golden rule and you will find that issues you had before are not so bad now.
Learning is the beginning of wealth.
Learning is the beginning of health.
Learning is the beginning of spirituality.
Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.
Jim Rohn
Career Advice
Find something that you enjoy doing so much that you'd do it for nothing, and pretty soon you'll be paid more than you can spend.
Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"
It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.
Jim Rohn
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”
Don't just sell your product, use it!
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.
--Henry Ford
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”
Avoid excessive idling
Shut off engine while waiting for friends and family. Today's vehicles are designed to "warm up" fast, so forget about those long warm-ups on cold winter mornings.
Responsibility
Man has responsibility; not power.
Anonymous
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Don't just sell your product, use it!
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.
--Henry Ford
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”
Avoid excessive idling
Shut off engine while waiting for friends and family. Today's vehicles are designed to "warm up" fast, so forget about those long warm-ups on cold winter mornings.
Responsibility
Man has responsibility; not power.
Anonymous
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
There are only 3 colors, 10 digits, and 7 notes; its what we do with them that's important.
Jim Rohn
+ General JokeTen things Tiger might hear at the 2010 Masters. 10-Tiger designed a new golf course: 4 holes on every green. 9- Call 911, Tiger just drove into a tree. 8-Hi dad 7-Hi dad 6-Hi dad 5-You the Man-HO! 4- Check his score card: I heard he cheats. 3-If Elin is looking to get even, my number is 555-7724 2-Is that a pencil in your pocket, or do you have date later? 1-Arnies Army, Tigers Hoes
His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”
Service
The hands that serve, are holier than lips that pray.
The major value in life is not what you get.
The major value in life is what you become.
Jim Rohn
Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants. -Esther De Waal
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"
Coping with stress
Many of the stressful situations we come across in your daily lives cannot be avoided or changed, but we can change how we respond to the stress. Try improving your way of dealing with stress or a stressful situation. Take a deep breath.
Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.
Jim Rohn
Jim Rohn
+ General JokeTen things Tiger might hear at the 2010 Masters. 10-Tiger designed a new golf course: 4 holes on every green. 9- Call 911, Tiger just drove into a tree. 8-Hi dad 7-Hi dad 6-Hi dad 5-You the Man-HO! 4- Check his score card: I heard he cheats. 3-If Elin is looking to get even, my number is 555-7724 2-Is that a pencil in your pocket, or do you have date later? 1-Arnies Army, Tigers Hoes
His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”
Service
The hands that serve, are holier than lips that pray.
The major value in life is not what you get.
The major value in life is what you become.
Jim Rohn
Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants. -Esther De Waal
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"
Coping with stress
Many of the stressful situations we come across in your daily lives cannot be avoided or changed, but we can change how we respond to the stress. Try improving your way of dealing with stress or a stressful situation. Take a deep breath.
Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.
Jim Rohn
+ General Joke WASHINGTON — A White House officials said today a man from Niger1a tried to blow up a Northwest Airlines plane as it prepared to land in Detroit following a flight from Amsterdam. They are calling it an "attempted act of terrorism."You think? The Nigerian man is being questioned and treated at a hospital in Ann Arbor, Mich. Probably for a hugh headache and body pains. One of the passenger heard the Nigerian man say, "Why the hell are we landing in freaking Detroit? There ain't nothing in that sh*thole. I want to go where there's booze drugs and wild woman. Take me to Charlie Sheen's place."
The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”
Happiness is...........
Happiness is like a butterfly...
The more you pursue it, the more it will elude.
When you learn to be patient and still.
It will fly over and land on your shoulder.
Time is more value than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
Jim Rohn
A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”
The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”
How to keep Spiders Away
It's hard to kill spiders because they don't lick their bodies like ants and other insects so they don't absorb insecticides.
But they won't walk over sharp things.
I have been successful finally after trying many things. The secret is Epsom salts! It has sharp crystals!
Just pour it on windowsills and doors, inside and out. Rain will wash it away, just reapply.
It's CHEAP, comes in a milk type carton, easy to use, and it WORKS !!!
I have a friend who sprays Pam (water would dissolve the crystals) and then pours the Epsom salts all the way around her doors and windows, also, some on the carpet to her bedroom.
The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”
Happiness is...........
Happiness is like a butterfly...
The more you pursue it, the more it will elude.
When you learn to be patient and still.
It will fly over and land on your shoulder.
Time is more value than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
Jim Rohn
A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”
The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”
How to keep Spiders Away
It's hard to kill spiders because they don't lick their bodies like ants and other insects so they don't absorb insecticides.
But they won't walk over sharp things.
I have been successful finally after trying many things. The secret is Epsom salts! It has sharp crystals!
Just pour it on windowsills and doors, inside and out. Rain will wash it away, just reapply.
It's CHEAP, comes in a milk type carton, easy to use, and it WORKS !!!
I have a friend who sprays Pam (water would dissolve the crystals) and then pours the Epsom salts all the way around her doors and windows, also, some on the carpet to her bedroom.
Jokes and Wisdom
A leader in the making...
Is one who realizes that the only problem you have is the one you allow to be a problem because of your wrong reaction to it. Problems can stop you temporarily. You are the only one who can stop it permanently.
-John C. Maxwell
The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.
Definition of Education
Education is what is left after you have forgotten all that you have been taught.
Ongoing self education.
We all know that knowledge is Power, but it's not just that. Knowledge is also money. So don't be afraid to invest in money.
This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.
So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.
He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.
They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"
So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.
So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"
"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."
"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.
So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.
Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!
Is one who realizes that the only problem you have is the one you allow to be a problem because of your wrong reaction to it. Problems can stop you temporarily. You are the only one who can stop it permanently.
-John C. Maxwell
The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.
Definition of Education
Education is what is left after you have forgotten all that you have been taught.
Ongoing self education.
We all know that knowledge is Power, but it's not just that. Knowledge is also money. So don't be afraid to invest in money.
This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.
So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.
He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.
They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"
So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.
So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"
"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."
"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.
So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.
Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!
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