Benefits of soy
To improve cholesterol levels and better the heart, you can include soy in your diet. Preliminary reports suggest that soy may help dull pain.
In animal studies, moderate levels of phytoestrogens showed to reduce sensitivity to certain types of pain. Phytoestrogens are plant compounds that are found in high concentrations in soy and soy-based products. Including moderate amounts of soy in your diet may be helpful in reducing pain suffered by people with chronic, painful inflammation or swelling.
+ General Joke
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the
bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes
into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting
there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***.'
Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”
Mosquito repellent
Take one vitamin B complex twice a day starting in March; this will cause your pores to exude a scent that repels mosquitoes.
+ General Joke
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!"
The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him."
"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
The One Common Denominator
If you are searching for the common denominator in your life, you are in luck. You are it. Now that you know you are the only consistent factor in any situation, you can begin to figure out how you are contributing to your recurring challenges and problems. This is great news because, once you realize you are at least part of the problem, you can begin to change your behavior, beliefs and attitudes that are contributing to the situation. Keep in mind that you have to concern yourself only with you, not with anyone else. You are the only one you can change. So don’t focus outside yourself. Focus on the common denominator. You will be amazed at the difference this process will make in your life.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”
On Traveling:
"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might as well stay at home."
- James Michener
+ General Joke
Sun too hot, drinks too strong: bizarre British tourist complaints
OLIVER SMITH
September 21, 2009
Hot weather, strong alcohol and melting ice cream were among the most
bizarre complaints made by British holidaymakers this year, according to
one online travel agent.
Upon arrival in Portugal, one British family told Sunshine.co.uk of
their distress at the sunny weather and complained that they were too
“hot and sweaty” in their holiday clothes.
One man told staff of his irritation at the number of holidaymakers who
travelled with plain black suitcases, hindering his attempts to find his
own plain black suitcase on the airport conveyor belt.
After discovering that the shampoo in her luggage had leaked during her
flight, one woman bemoaned the fact that the hotel she was staying in
provided complimentary toiletries, rendering the entire incident “very
preventable”.
Another woman wrote in to complain that her plane journey was a
disappointment because the sky was far too cloudy, impeding the view for
her and her children and spoiling their game of eye-spy.
Following a trip to a local theme park, another woman wrote to the
travel agent to complain that the Log Flume ride made her feet wet and
the sun was so strong that her ice cream melted too quickly.
One couple criticised the excellent children's entertainment at their
resort – so good, in fact, that their children didn't want to spend any
time with their parents, while another couple claimed that the lunchtime
cocktails at their resort were surprisingly strong, leaving them rather
worse for wear during the afternoon.
“As much as we would like to guarantee that any problem will be dealt
accordingly to prevent it from happening again, the weather, the alcohol
being too strong, ice cream being too cold or planes flying too high are
unfortunately completely out of our control,” said a spokesman for
Sunshine.co.uk.
The Telegraph, London
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Protein diets
Protein may be causing you to pack on the pounds. One of the latest reports states that this might be true. A high intake of protein may lead to a high body mass index. For optimum health, limit your amount of protein intake to about 15% of your daily calories and use complex carbohydrates (fruits and vegetables) as your menu mainstay.
+ General Joke
A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding
Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny
yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an
exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the
husband became 93 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are
female.....
+ General Joke
After his recent hole in one, Frank and his buddies were hanging out and
planning a 3-day golf outing.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't allow it.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally
frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf
resort to play golf, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the
lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?"
"I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last I night I slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, the wife snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her hands back,
she was standing there in beautiful see through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do
whatever you want'.....
SO, HERE I AM!"
+ General Joke
Swine Flu various..
I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers. Another is
that you get the trotts.
I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it
must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal
application of 'oinkment'. IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS
ITS ONLY SPAM.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1
neuraminidase protein 1.
Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going
to be cured anyway!
News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the
aporkalypse.
A new film is being planned, called "Aporkalypse Now", with Kevin Bacon in
the lead role.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure
when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then,
isn't it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic,
don't believe the spam you're getting.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Confront fear head on!
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.
Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.
"Sure!" the hunters agreed.
"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."
"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.
After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"
"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.
Be Happy always!
In Life……….
Shortcomings, Loss & Setbacks are INEVITABLE….
but…..
Suffering, Worry & Sadness are all OPTIONAL.
Be cheerful & happy always!!! Just take care of your health & family -
happiness will follow you wherever you go or be !!!
+ General Joke
These are actual comments made on student report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic
thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.
Eating right
A number of foods are loaded with vitamin B-complex, folic acid, vitamins A and E, zinc, magnesium, iron, chromium, selenium, and essential fatty acids that add to your brainpower. To incorporate these elements into your diet is easy; all you have to do is eat. The best choices in food that include these elements are: sardines, herrings, shellfish, dried and sprouted beans, nuts, seeds, apples, apricots, black currents, carrots, bananas, liver, beets, celery, barley, brown rice, oats, kidney, lean beef, Brewer’s yeast, black strap molasses, wheat germ, basil, rosemary, ginger, and licorice. It is best to avoid foods high in sugar like baked goods and sodas, because they result in great fluctuations in blood-sugar levels, which causes breaks in your concentration and energy levels.
At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”
Living
When you conquer your fear of death, you will conquer your fear of living.
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
Charles Caleb Colton
+ General Joke
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you b*stards who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you
b*stards who are getting on, get your a*s in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use
nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are
p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the
kitchen."
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
DO NOT BE A TALEBEARER
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GOSSIP OR LISTEN TO IT. SHE USED AN OLD SAYING THAT, "A DOG WHO WILL TAKE A BONE, WILL CARRY A BONE."
Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.
Norman Vincent Peale
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.
-Alben William Barkley
A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.
My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.
What does the M stand for?
Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy
A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".
Washing Sneakers?
If you blast some spray starch on sneakers before wearing them,
they will be easier to launder since the dirt won’t grind in. Wash them in
the machine and they’ll come out spanking clean!
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Realizing Goals
It is a defect in language that words suggest permanent realities and people do not see through this deception. But mere words cannot create reality. Thus people speak of a final goal and believe it is real, but it is a form of words and the goal as such is without substance. The one who realizes the emptiness of objects and concepts does not depend on words. Perfect wisdom is beyond definition, and pathlessness is the way to it.
The wise one treads this path for the direct realization of impermanence and for the direct realization of understanding. This, then, is perfect wisdom. Such a one should tread this path knowing that attachment and attractions are neither good nor harmful, even enlightenment is neither good nor harmful, because perfect wisdom is not meant to promote good or harm for that person. However, even though there is no intention of good or harm, it does confer endless blessing.
--Prajnaparamita
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
Friends
Live your life so that you have friends you can always count on; and
live it so that you don't have to.
Vision
“If your only measure of value is color,
then you shall never appreciate the
transparency of diamonds.”
- Ameer Sadet Mahdy –
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.
Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.
"Sure!" the hunters agreed.
"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."
"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.
After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"
"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.
Be Happy always!
In Life……….
Shortcomings, Loss & Setbacks are INEVITABLE….
but…..
Suffering, Worry & Sadness are all OPTIONAL.
Be cheerful & happy always!!! Just take care of your health & family -
happiness will follow you wherever you go or be !!!
+ General Joke
These are actual comments made on student report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic
thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.
Eating right
A number of foods are loaded with vitamin B-complex, folic acid, vitamins A and E, zinc, magnesium, iron, chromium, selenium, and essential fatty acids that add to your brainpower. To incorporate these elements into your diet is easy; all you have to do is eat. The best choices in food that include these elements are: sardines, herrings, shellfish, dried and sprouted beans, nuts, seeds, apples, apricots, black currents, carrots, bananas, liver, beets, celery, barley, brown rice, oats, kidney, lean beef, Brewer’s yeast, black strap molasses, wheat germ, basil, rosemary, ginger, and licorice. It is best to avoid foods high in sugar like baked goods and sodas, because they result in great fluctuations in blood-sugar levels, which causes breaks in your concentration and energy levels.
At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”
Living
When you conquer your fear of death, you will conquer your fear of living.
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
Charles Caleb Colton
+ General Joke
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you b*stards who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you
b*stards who are getting on, get your a*s in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use
nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are
p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the
kitchen."
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
DO NOT BE A TALEBEARER
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GOSSIP OR LISTEN TO IT. SHE USED AN OLD SAYING THAT, "A DOG WHO WILL TAKE A BONE, WILL CARRY A BONE."
Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.
Norman Vincent Peale
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.
-Alben William Barkley
A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.
My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.
What does the M stand for?
Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy
A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".
Washing Sneakers?
If you blast some spray starch on sneakers before wearing them,
they will be easier to launder since the dirt won’t grind in. Wash them in
the machine and they’ll come out spanking clean!
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Realizing Goals
It is a defect in language that words suggest permanent realities and people do not see through this deception. But mere words cannot create reality. Thus people speak of a final goal and believe it is real, but it is a form of words and the goal as such is without substance. The one who realizes the emptiness of objects and concepts does not depend on words. Perfect wisdom is beyond definition, and pathlessness is the way to it.
The wise one treads this path for the direct realization of impermanence and for the direct realization of understanding. This, then, is perfect wisdom. Such a one should tread this path knowing that attachment and attractions are neither good nor harmful, even enlightenment is neither good nor harmful, because perfect wisdom is not meant to promote good or harm for that person. However, even though there is no intention of good or harm, it does confer endless blessing.
--Prajnaparamita
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
Friends
Live your life so that you have friends you can always count on; and
live it so that you don't have to.
Vision
“If your only measure of value is color,
then you shall never appreciate the
transparency of diamonds.”
- Ameer Sadet Mahdy –
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Gratitude
Silent gratitude isn’t much good to anyone.
- Gladys Browyn Stern –
As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.
Denis Waitley
Be without
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.
- Bertrand Russell
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Finding Balance
As we age our sense of balance changes. Observing older people changing from a sitting position to a standing position, you will notice that they move tentively, especially those with a sedentary lifestyle. Balance is very important to self-confidence and self-reliance regardless of age. Thus, practicing yoga has a wealth of benefits that improve your balance and improve your self-confidence.
+ General Joke
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the*_R_ ! *
We missed the*_R_ !
We missed the_R_ !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEB*RATE !!!'
You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you'll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.
Caroline Myss
Q: How do you get a Democrat to pay taxes?
A: Give them "Change" and "Hope"
A Rose
A rose may be beautiful, but beware, it usually has many thorns.
Don't let life discourage you;
everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard Evans
“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Wants
It's not having what you want, but yet wanting what you have.
Never fear shadows.
They simply mean there's a light somewhere nearby.
Ruth E. Renkee
The fates are vicious and they`re cruel.
You learn too late you`ve used two wishes like a fool.
-John Cameron Mitchell
Anger
Never make a decision when you are angry, you might regret it in the future.
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!
How long should it take a professional to write a resume
Depends! There are professionals who specialize in writing resumes quickly. They tend to concentrate on one client at a time, producing a draft in as little as 4-5 hours and final documents within 2 hours after the client has reviewed the draft. This does not make the resume any less professional - in fact, since most resumes get less than an 30 second scan by the hiring authority, having a writer who understands how to write effectively for a scan may be beneficial. Other resume writers quote from 3 to 5 business days for the first draft. This does not make them better (or worse) it is just their style. If you are in a hurry for your documents, ask the resume writer about his or her turn-around time.
Q: Why was the computer so cold?
A: Because it forgot to shut its window
Learning the Keyboard(read down on the keyboard)
Quick Ask Zoe
What Stops X-rays
Even Dogs Can't
Red Fish Vanish
Then Grow Bigger
Yaks Hear Noises
Under Jack's Mattress
I Keep commas's
Over Long periods's
Peanuts
Cowboy's Guide To Life
by Bob Hardison
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks at you in the mirror every mornin'.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
• It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
• Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to git dirty.
Making Mistakes
If you make a mistake at work try not to get so upset; just ask yourself how it will matter next week or next year? If you have no answers then don’t dwell on it and move on.
Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln
Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problems
If you are only willing to invest 30 minutes a week in your Health maintenance!
A new study compared two groups of men 40 to 75 years old that did 30 minutes a week of weigh lifting versus fast walking; both groups reduced their risk of heart disease by 23% versus 18% respectively. While earlier studies have clearly demonstrated the advantage of aerobic exercise, if you only have time for one thing, lifting weights may be what you should choose.
WisdomTips.com
Editorial staff.
One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over.
You see, your problem won't improve with age.
Warren Buffett
Doing nothing
The problem with doing nothing is you never know when youć± e done.
James Fineous McBride
Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
General George S. Patton
+ General Joke
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square
handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a c0ndom.
The c0ndom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it the Scot asks the chemist?
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the c0ndom into the silk square
handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says. "We'll have a new one!!
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”
True Success
To really succeed in business you need to develop relationships. A good relationship is based on seeing and understanding things from the other person’s perspective
Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.
Stephen R. Covey
All drama is about lies. When the lie is exposed, the play is over.
-David Mamet
Gratitude
Silent gratitude isn’t much good to anyone.
- Gladys Browyn Stern –
As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time.
Denis Waitley
Be without
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.
- Bertrand Russell
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Finding Balance
As we age our sense of balance changes. Observing older people changing from a sitting position to a standing position, you will notice that they move tentively, especially those with a sedentary lifestyle. Balance is very important to self-confidence and self-reliance regardless of age. Thus, practicing yoga has a wealth of benefits that improve your balance and improve your self-confidence.
+ General Joke
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the*_R_ ! *
We missed the*_R_ !
We missed the_R_ !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEB*RATE !!!'
You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you'll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.
Caroline Myss
Q: How do you get a Democrat to pay taxes?
A: Give them "Change" and "Hope"
A Rose
A rose may be beautiful, but beware, it usually has many thorns.
Don't let life discourage you;
everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard Evans
“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Wants
It's not having what you want, but yet wanting what you have.
Never fear shadows.
They simply mean there's a light somewhere nearby.
Ruth E. Renkee
The fates are vicious and they`re cruel.
You learn too late you`ve used two wishes like a fool.
-John Cameron Mitchell
Anger
Never make a decision when you are angry, you might regret it in the future.
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!
How long should it take a professional to write a resume
Depends! There are professionals who specialize in writing resumes quickly. They tend to concentrate on one client at a time, producing a draft in as little as 4-5 hours and final documents within 2 hours after the client has reviewed the draft. This does not make the resume any less professional - in fact, since most resumes get less than an 30 second scan by the hiring authority, having a writer who understands how to write effectively for a scan may be beneficial. Other resume writers quote from 3 to 5 business days for the first draft. This does not make them better (or worse) it is just their style. If you are in a hurry for your documents, ask the resume writer about his or her turn-around time.
Q: Why was the computer so cold?
A: Because it forgot to shut its window
Learning the Keyboard(read down on the keyboard)
Quick Ask Zoe
What Stops X-rays
Even Dogs Can't
Red Fish Vanish
Then Grow Bigger
Yaks Hear Noises
Under Jack's Mattress
I Keep commas's
Over Long periods's
Peanuts
Cowboy's Guide To Life
by Bob Hardison
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks at you in the mirror every mornin'.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
• It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
• Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to git dirty.
Making Mistakes
If you make a mistake at work try not to get so upset; just ask yourself how it will matter next week or next year? If you have no answers then don’t dwell on it and move on.
Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln
Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problems
If you are only willing to invest 30 minutes a week in your Health maintenance!
A new study compared two groups of men 40 to 75 years old that did 30 minutes a week of weigh lifting versus fast walking; both groups reduced their risk of heart disease by 23% versus 18% respectively. While earlier studies have clearly demonstrated the advantage of aerobic exercise, if you only have time for one thing, lifting weights may be what you should choose.
WisdomTips.com
Editorial staff.
One's objective should be to get it right, get it quick, get it out, and get it over.
You see, your problem won't improve with age.
Warren Buffett
Doing nothing
The problem with doing nothing is you never know when youć± e done.
James Fineous McBride
Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
General George S. Patton
+ General Joke
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square
handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a c0ndom.
The c0ndom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it the Scot asks the chemist?
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the c0ndom into the silk square
handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says. "We'll have a new one!!
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”
True Success
To really succeed in business you need to develop relationships. A good relationship is based on seeing and understanding things from the other person’s perspective
Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.
Stephen R. Covey
All drama is about lies. When the lie is exposed, the play is over.
-David Mamet
Samurai Wisdom
"Had I not known
That I was dead
Already
I would have mourned
My loss of life"
Ota Dokan (1486)
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Unhindered Mind
“To have been angered in argument is, to have already been defeated.”
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Success
Selfishness binds and blocks.
Every loving and unselfish thought has in it the germ of success.
Florence Scovel Shinn
The measure of a man is not, "How did he die?" but "How did he live?"
not "What did he gain?" but "What did he give?"
Unknown
+ General Joke
An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of
the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he added, "I'm only here to feed the alligator."
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”
Trouble getting a good night' sleep?
If you are having trouble getting a good nights sleep, take a look at your bedtime diet. While a light snack may help you relax before sleeping, you should avoid heavy meals and fluids that stimulate stomach acid production and could cause heartburn. Also, consider whether intake of caffeine, chocolate or alcohol is affecting your sleep.
- Mayo Clinic –
"Had I not known
That I was dead
Already
I would have mourned
My loss of life"
Ota Dokan (1486)
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Unhindered Mind
“To have been angered in argument is, to have already been defeated.”
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Success
Selfishness binds and blocks.
Every loving and unselfish thought has in it the germ of success.
Florence Scovel Shinn
The measure of a man is not, "How did he die?" but "How did he live?"
not "What did he gain?" but "What did he give?"
Unknown
+ General Joke
An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of
the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he added, "I'm only here to feed the alligator."
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”
Trouble getting a good night' sleep?
If you are having trouble getting a good nights sleep, take a look at your bedtime diet. While a light snack may help you relax before sleeping, you should avoid heavy meals and fluids that stimulate stomach acid production and could cause heartburn. Also, consider whether intake of caffeine, chocolate or alcohol is affecting your sleep.
- Mayo Clinic –
+ General Joke
These are all names rejected by the Jockey Club (UK) for racehorses:
Sofa King Fast
Cupid Stunt
Norfolk Enchants
Sparrowfaht
Ah Feic
Fog Ducker
Mind, the odd one does get through:
Country Member
Big T1ts
Noble Locks
Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”
Long Life
If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Human Nature
"People will keep on praising you until you follow their directions, but once due to your helplessness, if you fail to please them once. They will forget all your past good nesses and start hating you for your disobedience."
Happy Thanksgiving from MyDailyInsights
To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
Johannes A. Gaertner
+ General Joke
Shirley was gaining weight and went to a guru for exercises. He advised her
to assume a position for meditation for fifteen minutes every morning before
she got dressed. So when Bert discovered he had left his cell phone home and
returned to their flat, he found Shirley on her back on the bed, stark
naked, with her legs raised almost to her shoulders. With only a short
glance at her, he took his cell phone from the night table and started to
leave. Taking a better look at her, he snorted,
"For God's sake, brush your teeth and comb your hair.
You're getting to look more like your mother every day."
Did you hear about the look-alike competition held in china? Everyone won.
The Puzzle of Love!
Love, is an ever lasting puzzle.... when you think you've found that person for you, you begin to assemble this puzzle! But be careful!! The pieces may fit!!! But the picture can be wrong! So you may have to think again! Before both your lives end up in ruins.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.
Cicero
Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
Epictetus
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.
-William Shakespeare
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.
Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls.
David Thomas
Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?
A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
These are all names rejected by the Jockey Club (UK) for racehorses:
Sofa King Fast
Cupid Stunt
Norfolk Enchants
Sparrowfaht
Ah Feic
Fog Ducker
Mind, the odd one does get through:
Country Member
Big T1ts
Noble Locks
Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”
Long Life
If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Human Nature
"People will keep on praising you until you follow their directions, but once due to your helplessness, if you fail to please them once. They will forget all your past good nesses and start hating you for your disobedience."
Happy Thanksgiving from MyDailyInsights
To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
Johannes A. Gaertner
+ General Joke
Shirley was gaining weight and went to a guru for exercises. He advised her
to assume a position for meditation for fifteen minutes every morning before
she got dressed. So when Bert discovered he had left his cell phone home and
returned to their flat, he found Shirley on her back on the bed, stark
naked, with her legs raised almost to her shoulders. With only a short
glance at her, he took his cell phone from the night table and started to
leave. Taking a better look at her, he snorted,
"For God's sake, brush your teeth and comb your hair.
You're getting to look more like your mother every day."
Did you hear about the look-alike competition held in china? Everyone won.
The Puzzle of Love!
Love, is an ever lasting puzzle.... when you think you've found that person for you, you begin to assemble this puzzle! But be careful!! The pieces may fit!!! But the picture can be wrong! So you may have to think again! Before both your lives end up in ruins.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.
Cicero
Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
Epictetus
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.
-William Shakespeare
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.
Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls.
David Thomas
Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?
A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
Monday, January 4, 2010
Q: What happens to a person when they're lost in a cornfield?
A: They get cornfused.
Healthy way
The only way to keep your health
is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like,
and do what you'd rather not
- MARK TWAIN -
Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.
Frederick Wilcox
Remember, happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.
Dale Carnegie
You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands - your own.
Mark Victor Hansen
+ General JokeThings you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distiguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. -Ambrose Bierce
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look I'm changing!
Trust within yourself
"Don't go by gossip and rumor, nor by what's told you by others, nor by what you hear said, nor even by the authority of your traditional teachings. Don't go by reasoning, nor by inferring one thing from another, nor by argument about methods, nor from liking an opinion, nor from awe of the teacher and thinking he must be deferred to.
"Instead, Kalamas, when you know from within yourselves that certain teachings are not good, that when put into practice they lead to loss and suffering, you must then trust yourselves and reject them."
-Anguttara Nikaya
A: They get cornfused.
Healthy way
The only way to keep your health
is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like,
and do what you'd rather not
- MARK TWAIN -
Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.
Frederick Wilcox
Remember, happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.
Dale Carnegie
You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands - your own.
Mark Victor Hansen
+ General JokeThings you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distiguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. -Ambrose Bierce
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look I'm changing!
Trust within yourself
"Don't go by gossip and rumor, nor by what's told you by others, nor by what you hear said, nor even by the authority of your traditional teachings. Don't go by reasoning, nor by inferring one thing from another, nor by argument about methods, nor from liking an opinion, nor from awe of the teacher and thinking he must be deferred to.
"Instead, Kalamas, when you know from within yourselves that certain teachings are not good, that when put into practice they lead to loss and suffering, you must then trust yourselves and reject them."
-Anguttara Nikaya
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #17357
By Barb from USA.
The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)
Way to be happy...
"Always remember the compliments you receive and forget the insults"
Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.
Eric: Oh, do you like it?
Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?
Youth
Youth is wasted on the young
- BERNARD SHAW -
Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.
Jim Rohn
We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.-R. D. Laing
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
Silence
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
--Thomas Carlyle
+ General Joke An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On another wall is a dazzling array of fine cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession. And I must say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out! You're on my side.
By Barb from USA.
The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)
Way to be happy...
"Always remember the compliments you receive and forget the insults"
Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.
Eric: Oh, do you like it?
Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?
Youth
Youth is wasted on the young
- BERNARD SHAW -
Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.
Jim Rohn
We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.-R. D. Laing
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
Silence
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
--Thomas Carlyle
+ General Joke An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On another wall is a dazzling array of fine cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession. And I must say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out! You're on my side.
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