Love is like the perfect Rubix Cube. There are countless number of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it.
Brian Cramer
+ General JokeObama is proud of his Cash for Clunkers program. It basically let you sell your car to the government for gas money. Now there is talk in Congress about bringing it back as an add on to their univeral healthcare plan and expanding it. With thatin mind, let's take a look at how the Obama Clunker program might work on its next go round. Signs of an Obama Clunker • You have to reset the car clock after you use the cigarette lighter. • You just roll down the car windows for air conditioning. • You go to Coin Star so you can make your car and insurance payments. • You start using the phrase "General Motors" as a curse. • You start referring to GM as Government Motors. • You keep emergency sneakers in the car trunk for those inevitable walks home. • Your Obama clunker appears on the TV series Operation Repo, with a recurring role. • You had to cut the Club the Obama clunker came with off of the steering wheel. • You have to read map directions using the car's Check Engine light. • You spot tow trucks following your Obama clunker on the highway. • You double your car's Blue Book value whenever you fill the gas tank. • Your car insurance policy requires that you wear a helmet while driving. • You always carry duct tape in the car's glove compartment. • You have a bumper sticker for the local homeless shelter. • Your car radio only gets National Public Radio. • When hitchhikers see you, they put their thumbs down. • If you try to donate your car to charity, they give it right back. • Your car was featured on the cover of Lemon Law Magazine. • If they can't repair your clunker's brakes, they'll make your horn louder. • The tires keep getting rotated until they're back where they started. • You'll have to buy your car insurance from the federal government. • But your Obama auto insurance will cover you in all 57 states. • Your automobile insurance won't cover the types of accidents you're most likely to have.
Become
What we think, we become. --Buddha
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really know what perect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Mark Twain
Take your Vitamins
Taking a multivitamin daily could help slow arterial aging. Both vitamin C and vitamin E appear to be important to the health of your arteries. Studies show that adequate intakes of these antioxidant vitamins are associated with a significant reduction of arterial disease. Try to get about 400 IU of vitamin E per day and about 1,200 milligrams of vitamin C per day through food and vitamin supplements.
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
The future belongs to the risk takers, not the security seekers. The more you seek security, the less of it you will have and the more you pursue opportunity, the more security you will achieve.
Brian Tracy
Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.-Karl Marx
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”
Keep on fighting the good fight!
It is better to have fought and lost.... than to not fight at all!
Good luck on the business battlefield!!!
General JokeA little late, but you get the gist.. Break out the whiskey and shot glasses -- it's time for President Obama's first official State of the Union Address. As you know, the Constitution requires that from time to time, the president shall give to the Congress information on the State of the Union, which is bestdigested by the citizenry while completely hammered. Thus...Joe Wilson yells something - Do two shotsObama yells back - Finish the bottle Obama says "jobs" - Do one shot, two if you're unemployedObama says "health care" - Do not drink, you will not be given a replacement liverNancy Pelosi claps like a seal - Do one shotNancy Pelosi becomes a seal - STOP DRINKING FOR THE LOVE OF GODObama mentions Bo - Put beer in your dog's water bowlObama uses the term "Congressional leadership" - Do two shotscarefully as all that laughing will make it difficult to swallowObama says he's "fighting for you" - Do one shot, two if you believe him
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”
Dealing with Envy
Men never throw sticks at trees that do not have fruit on them
- Old Chinese Proverb -
A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."
Our Children Are Watching
You're teaching a lesson each day that you live;
Your actions are blazing a trail
That children will follow for good or for ill;
You can help them or cause them to fail.
- Bosch -
The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet.
Theodore M. Hesburgh
General JokeLarry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is."
The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."
Honor
No person was ever honored for what he received.
Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
- Calvin Coolidge
If you don't like something change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain.
Maya Angelou
was going to tell you the joke about the pencil, but there's really no point to it.
On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.
Aldous Huxley
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.-Ralph Waldo Emerson RIP Dr. Harold Fink 1918-2010 Memorial Service 12:30 pm Weds. The Plaza 630 Amsterdam Ave (91st).
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
Antioxidant rich spice
Another herb that is antioxidant-rich is rosemary. According to research, rosemary contains powerful antioxidants that may help to inhibit free radical damage to cells. Rosemary was been revealed to have even greater health benefits than paprika. Using rosemary to season fish, vegetables, egg-white omelets, and salads will give your system an antioxidant boost.
If you treat an individual ... as if he were what he ought to be, and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.
Continuing Education
Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.
Abigail Adams, 1780
Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!" The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!" The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"
Free thought
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.
--Tom Robbins
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
Cranking Down the Volume
Playing your tunes more softly during rush hour traffic might decrease your tension in the car. Cranking up the volume of your music may increase your tension while driving. A recent study showed that college students listening to three different amplitudes of music were more likely to have higher heart rates the higher the volume went and vice versa for lowering the volume. Hence, softly played music may sooth the savage beast during rush hour madness.
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
The castles of our life
"Life can be like those castles that were once thought impenetrable. No matter how hard it may seem, no matter what the odds are, you can always over come it."
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Be Careful What You Say
If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like.
We can throw stones,
complain about them,
stumble on them,
climb over them,
or build with them.
William Arthur Ward
From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!
- John Cameron Mitchell
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A. It's pasture bed time (past your)
Sucess in future
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
Stay safe in a thunderstorm
1. Be aware that lightning can follow electrical wires and phone lines.
2. If you can hear thunder, you are within striking distance.
3. If you are driving during a thunderstorm, you should stay in your car with the windows closed
4. You shouldn’t take a shower, wash dishes or do laundry.
5. If you are swimming or boating when a storm starts, head for shore immediately.
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
Immunizations
You should get your child immunized to help protect them against dangerous diseases. Most state laws in the U.S. require your child to be immunized before starting their schooling. To be sure check with your local health department or doctor for the recommended schedule for shots.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Don't fear the new family
Never believe in what people tell you about the core family. There are no natural constellations that are better than others. Instead always look to the best of yourself or your children. Remember, a non-traditional family living in harmony is always better than a traditional family where your children or you suffer. Two mothers, two fathers, new mother, new father - the only thing that matters is a safe, positive environment for you and your children.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Albert Schwietzer
+ General Joke
An Irishman applied for a job with a blacksmith, who asked him,
"Do you know anything about shoeing horses?"
Paddy replied, "No, but I once told a donkey to f*&k off."
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
Self worth
I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.
Ayn Rand, Anthem, 1946
Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Minor burns
If you have a minor burn peel a potatoe take the skins of the potatoe and rub the peeled side to your skin.
+ General Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Tibetan Buddhism Wisdom
When a strong wind blows, the clouds vanish and blue sky appears. Similarly, when the powerful wisdom that understands the nature of the mind arises, the dark clouds of ego disappear. Beyond the ego – the agitated, uncontrolled mind – lie everlasting peace and satisfaction.
– Lama Thubten Yeshe
A woman is like a tea bag -
you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
sick in Bed
When your child gets sick, he/she really needs you to be there for them. They really need their parents for comfort at the onslaught of an illness. Spending a night rocking your child to sleep will make you preciously aware of what parenting is all about.
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPILS: A teacher.
Just start
If you think to do something, you have to chalk out a plan first, but that’s not all. You have to start that as early as possible. Remember this, if you desire to build a multistoried building, you need not to manage everything at a time. You have to do step by step.
If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like.
We can throw stones,
complain about them,
stumble on them,
climb over them,
or build with them.
William Arthur Ward
From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!
- John Cameron Mitchell
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A. It's pasture bed time (past your)
Sucess in future
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
Stay safe in a thunderstorm
1. Be aware that lightning can follow electrical wires and phone lines.
2. If you can hear thunder, you are within striking distance.
3. If you are driving during a thunderstorm, you should stay in your car with the windows closed
4. You shouldn’t take a shower, wash dishes or do laundry.
5. If you are swimming or boating when a storm starts, head for shore immediately.
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
Immunizations
You should get your child immunized to help protect them against dangerous diseases. Most state laws in the U.S. require your child to be immunized before starting their schooling. To be sure check with your local health department or doctor for the recommended schedule for shots.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Don't fear the new family
Never believe in what people tell you about the core family. There are no natural constellations that are better than others. Instead always look to the best of yourself or your children. Remember, a non-traditional family living in harmony is always better than a traditional family where your children or you suffer. Two mothers, two fathers, new mother, new father - the only thing that matters is a safe, positive environment for you and your children.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Albert Schwietzer
+ General Joke
An Irishman applied for a job with a blacksmith, who asked him,
"Do you know anything about shoeing horses?"
Paddy replied, "No, but I once told a donkey to f*&k off."
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
Self worth
I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.
Ayn Rand, Anthem, 1946
Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Minor burns
If you have a minor burn peel a potatoe take the skins of the potatoe and rub the peeled side to your skin.
+ General Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Tibetan Buddhism Wisdom
When a strong wind blows, the clouds vanish and blue sky appears. Similarly, when the powerful wisdom that understands the nature of the mind arises, the dark clouds of ego disappear. Beyond the ego – the agitated, uncontrolled mind – lie everlasting peace and satisfaction.
– Lama Thubten Yeshe
A woman is like a tea bag -
you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
sick in Bed
When your child gets sick, he/she really needs you to be there for them. They really need their parents for comfort at the onslaught of an illness. Spending a night rocking your child to sleep will make you preciously aware of what parenting is all about.
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPILS: A teacher.
Just start
If you think to do something, you have to chalk out a plan first, but that’s not all. You have to start that as early as possible. Remember this, if you desire to build a multistoried building, you need not to manage everything at a time. You have to do step by step.
Lowering Blood Pressure
If your blood pressure is rising try meditation. A recent study shows that meditation can be a helpful complement to treatment for people with stress-induced high blood pressure. The study shows that men who practiced meditation decreased their systolic blood pressure by about 12mm Hg, and women lowered their systolic pressure with meditation by about 10 mm Hg
For specifics as to how to meditate select WisdomTip.com tip # 8 under the category "meditation"
A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."
FACTS
"What you call a fact depends on the theory you bring to it."
- Albert Einstein –
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
+ General Joke
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
Doubts in marriage
If you begin to have doubts about marriage, play the film/video of your wedding backwards and see yourself walk out a free man and see how it feels.
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
In my son's eyes.
I would be everything in life that I ever wanted to be, if I could be half as what my little boy thinks I am.
- JWD –
General Joke
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young
man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked
into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his
room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1:
Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he
did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2:
Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the
rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window
after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the
ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.
An Irish Toast
May you be in heaven 10 seconds before the devil knows you’re dead.
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Faith and doubt both are needed, not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.
Lillian Smith
+ General Joke
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that ! "Who are you look," and
couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his
puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought
you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the
store. The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to
himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really
attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers
her children!"
Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember
her," he thought but, MAYBE?. During one of the wild parties he had
been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran
from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you
the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk
and had this wild crazy s3x on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
SCHOOL TEACHER!"
Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!
If your blood pressure is rising try meditation. A recent study shows that meditation can be a helpful complement to treatment for people with stress-induced high blood pressure. The study shows that men who practiced meditation decreased their systolic blood pressure by about 12mm Hg, and women lowered their systolic pressure with meditation by about 10 mm Hg
For specifics as to how to meditate select WisdomTip.com tip # 8 under the category "meditation"
A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."
FACTS
"What you call a fact depends on the theory you bring to it."
- Albert Einstein –
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
+ General Joke
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
Doubts in marriage
If you begin to have doubts about marriage, play the film/video of your wedding backwards and see yourself walk out a free man and see how it feels.
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
In my son's eyes.
I would be everything in life that I ever wanted to be, if I could be half as what my little boy thinks I am.
- JWD –
General Joke
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young
man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked
into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his
room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1:
Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he
did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2:
Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the
rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window
after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the
ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.
An Irish Toast
May you be in heaven 10 seconds before the devil knows you’re dead.
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Faith and doubt both are needed, not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.
Lillian Smith
+ General Joke
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that ! "Who are you look," and
couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his
puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought
you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the
store. The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to
himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really
attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers
her children!"
Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember
her," he thought but, MAYBE?. During one of the wild parties he had
been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran
from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you
the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk
and had this wild crazy s3x on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
SCHOOL TEACHER!"
Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Hey! Thanks! Xaxa did the bass,drums and some rythm guitars,i then added more guitars,Dance drum loops,FX,Then Mixed and Mastered it!
Taking Wind Out Of The Sail.
Love loses its security when it subsists on flashbacks.
Whoever I am, or whatever I am doing ... some kind of excellence is within my reach.
John Gardner
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."
Go out and make a difference in your community.
You don't need endless time and perfect conditions.
Do it now. Do it today.
Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating.
Barbara Sher
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.
Stars
All of the stars of the night remain in the depth of the daylight.
Rabindranath Tagore
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Cut Fat
Avoid the obvious such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats (i.e. pork, bacon, ham, salami, ribs and sausage). Dairy products such as cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream should be eaten in low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts. Most are available in lower fat versions such as substitute butter, fat free cheeses and mayonnaise. Thought for the day: Lean, mean, fat-burning machine…. Then be one!
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Winston Churchill on Democracy
1) The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with an average voter.
2 Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others
+ General Joke
Each day a English college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke,
usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide
that the next time he does it, they're just going to get up and leave the
class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them
planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class
with, "Did you hear about the shortage of wh0res in Russia?" And sure enough
all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.
The professor shouts,
"Wait! The boat doesn't leave 'till Monday!"
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
THE INCURABLE ILLNESS
The perennial hypochondriac can be considered terminally ill of nothing.
Believe that problems do have answers, that they can be overcome, and that we can solve them.
Norman Vincent Peale
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Learning
Any day you do not learn something new is a day you have wasted.
success
When you can see failure as an inspiration and success as an opportunity then you have learned the secret to success
A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever. The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.
Sally Koch
Hey! Thanks! Xaxa did the bass,drums and some rythm guitars,i then added more guitars,Dance drum loops,FX,Then Mixed and Mastered it!
Taking Wind Out Of The Sail.
Love loses its security when it subsists on flashbacks.
Whoever I am, or whatever I am doing ... some kind of excellence is within my reach.
John Gardner
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."
Go out and make a difference in your community.
You don't need endless time and perfect conditions.
Do it now. Do it today.
Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating.
Barbara Sher
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.
Stars
All of the stars of the night remain in the depth of the daylight.
Rabindranath Tagore
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Cut Fat
Avoid the obvious such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats (i.e. pork, bacon, ham, salami, ribs and sausage). Dairy products such as cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream should be eaten in low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts. Most are available in lower fat versions such as substitute butter, fat free cheeses and mayonnaise. Thought for the day: Lean, mean, fat-burning machine…. Then be one!
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Winston Churchill on Democracy
1) The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with an average voter.
2 Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others
+ General Joke
Each day a English college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke,
usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide
that the next time he does it, they're just going to get up and leave the
class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them
planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class
with, "Did you hear about the shortage of wh0res in Russia?" And sure enough
all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.
The professor shouts,
"Wait! The boat doesn't leave 'till Monday!"
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
THE INCURABLE ILLNESS
The perennial hypochondriac can be considered terminally ill of nothing.
Believe that problems do have answers, that they can be overcome, and that we can solve them.
Norman Vincent Peale
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Learning
Any day you do not learn something new is a day you have wasted.
success
When you can see failure as an inspiration and success as an opportunity then you have learned the secret to success
A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever. The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.
Sally Koch
Friendship
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway
- JEROME CUNNINGS –
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.
Dale Carnegie
Your heart
Reach for tofu, the magnesium in this soy food prevents blood clots and high blood pressure.
Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
When lightning strikes
If you are caught outdoors during a thunderstorm, follow the 30-30 rule. Seek a safer location immediately if the thunder occurs 30 seconds or less after the lightning. Once the storm has passed, wait at least 30 minutes after the last lightning flash before leaving the shelter.
A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?
“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”
The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”
Memory booster
Scientists have discovered that bushing your teeth with your opposite hand or driving to work a different way or even chewing gum is a form of mental exercise that increases blood flowing through your brain which helps to create and strengthen both brain lobes and the link between lobes.
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
+ General Joke
Royal Doulton have decided not to issue a range of figurative Michael Jackson china
mugs.After the best efforts of their finest artists QA feel that they still cannot get
the nose right.
Humour is truth
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.
There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor
is truth.
- VICTOR BORGE –
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
Be Happy
Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day and I'm going to be happy in it
- GROUCHO MARX –
The Substitute Tooth Fairy
I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"
A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook
+ General Joke
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big sh1t that he really was."
Hidden from View
“Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is known”
- Leonardo da Vinci –
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
Those That Have Little Curiosity
Some people seem to believe, that since curiosity killed the cat, that they might be next.
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
+ General Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Wealth
Wealth amounts in not having great possessions
but in having few wants.
- EPICURIS –
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway
- JEROME CUNNINGS –
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.
Dale Carnegie
Your heart
Reach for tofu, the magnesium in this soy food prevents blood clots and high blood pressure.
Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
When lightning strikes
If you are caught outdoors during a thunderstorm, follow the 30-30 rule. Seek a safer location immediately if the thunder occurs 30 seconds or less after the lightning. Once the storm has passed, wait at least 30 minutes after the last lightning flash before leaving the shelter.
A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?
“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”
The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”
Memory booster
Scientists have discovered that bushing your teeth with your opposite hand or driving to work a different way or even chewing gum is a form of mental exercise that increases blood flowing through your brain which helps to create and strengthen both brain lobes and the link between lobes.
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
+ General Joke
Royal Doulton have decided not to issue a range of figurative Michael Jackson china
mugs.After the best efforts of their finest artists QA feel that they still cannot get
the nose right.
Humour is truth
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.
There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor
is truth.
- VICTOR BORGE –
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
Be Happy
Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day and I'm going to be happy in it
- GROUCHO MARX –
The Substitute Tooth Fairy
I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"
A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook
+ General Joke
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big sh1t that he really was."
Hidden from View
“Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is known”
- Leonardo da Vinci –
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
Those That Have Little Curiosity
Some people seem to believe, that since curiosity killed the cat, that they might be next.
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
+ General Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Wealth
Wealth amounts in not having great possessions
but in having few wants.
- EPICURIS –
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."
Stress
We should not confuse/compare our situation with others (not to ask "Why only me" and get depressed). Every one of us is unique. Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us.
Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.
The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (if we can improve or just leave it if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)
Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!
Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
Forgiveness
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."
-Alexander Pope,
ON LIFE
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
Nothing Is Everything
The fact that money isn’t everything is irrelevant, because nothing else is everything either, but money isn’t really a bad first step on the way towards everything.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims unless they develop a greater vision for their lives.
Stedman Graham
"A Mother's thought"
After raising 4 beautiful children, with lots of love, and all the frustrations, I came to realize they grow up in spite of you.
So relax and smile!
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Ride on! Rough-shod if need be, smooth-shod if that will do, but ride on! Ride over all obstacles, and win the race!
Charles Dickens
Do it
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
If you want a life with no bumps, you'll never learn how to take your lumps.
Kent Krive
Famous Quote
"Education is the Manifestation of the Perfection that is already in Man"
- Swami Vivekananda – SEND TO MANDYY UP TO HERE
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp biscuit
On talking
Wise people talk because they have something to say,
fools because they have to say something
- PLATO –
Ecology Tips: Conserve and Preserve
Dress warm to use less heat.
Dress cool to use less air conditioning.
Close doors and windows tight, so heat or ac does not seep out.
Do not leave the refrigerator door open; decide what you want to eat before you open it!
Turn of lights and appliances right after you finish with them.
Take shorter showers or take baths instead of showers (you'll use less water)
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.
+ General Joke
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of
the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the
way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do
you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back
again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was
going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!"
Good Balance is Vital
Good balance is vital to the success of a great golf shot. You need to balance yourself what i call 25/25/25/25. 25% on your heels, 25% on your toes, 25% on your back foot and 25% on your front foot. Without having balance throughout the swing you will lack consistency, which is so important in becoming a good player.
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
Success
The dictionary is the only place where “success” comes before “work.”
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"
My Turn
If your ideal holiday time is a fancy french dinner and his is a quiet evening at home by the fireplace, try not to get bent out of shape. Instead take turns on holidays on who gets to do what. Compromising is great for your relationship and also for stress free holidays.
Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!
Character
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision be cleared, ambition insured and success achieved."
Helen Keller
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"
True Beauty....
True beauty comes from within. So search for it with your heart...instead of your eyes!
Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
The Best Diet is no diet at all but a lifetime commitment to better choices!
Many studies have proven that all diets have a temporary effect! The secret to losing weight is to make permanent choices in what we do. Here we have some simple long term commitments:
• Commit to whole wheat bread
• Drink fruit juices instead of soft drinks
• Always select fruits as a dessert
• Start most meal with a large salad
• Use whole grains pasta, bread and rice
• Take longer to eat. It takes time for your body to send its satisfaction signal
• Always park your car far rather than near
• Use the stairs for anything less than 4 stories
• Think positively about all of the choices above.
Forming good habits is the answer to long term health!
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.
There are only two options regarding commitment; you're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in-between.
Pat Riley
Opportunities are like sunrises - if you wait too long, you miss them.
William Arthur Ward
We should not confuse/compare our situation with others (not to ask "Why only me" and get depressed). Every one of us is unique. Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us.
Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.
The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (if we can improve or just leave it if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)
Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!
Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
Forgiveness
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."
-Alexander Pope,
ON LIFE
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
Nothing Is Everything
The fact that money isn’t everything is irrelevant, because nothing else is everything either, but money isn’t really a bad first step on the way towards everything.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims unless they develop a greater vision for their lives.
Stedman Graham
"A Mother's thought"
After raising 4 beautiful children, with lots of love, and all the frustrations, I came to realize they grow up in spite of you.
So relax and smile!
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Ride on! Rough-shod if need be, smooth-shod if that will do, but ride on! Ride over all obstacles, and win the race!
Charles Dickens
Do it
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
If you want a life with no bumps, you'll never learn how to take your lumps.
Kent Krive
Famous Quote
"Education is the Manifestation of the Perfection that is already in Man"
- Swami Vivekananda – SEND TO MANDYY UP TO HERE
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp biscuit
On talking
Wise people talk because they have something to say,
fools because they have to say something
- PLATO –
Ecology Tips: Conserve and Preserve
Dress warm to use less heat.
Dress cool to use less air conditioning.
Close doors and windows tight, so heat or ac does not seep out.
Do not leave the refrigerator door open; decide what you want to eat before you open it!
Turn of lights and appliances right after you finish with them.
Take shorter showers or take baths instead of showers (you'll use less water)
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.
+ General Joke
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of
the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the
way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do
you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back
again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was
going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!"
Good Balance is Vital
Good balance is vital to the success of a great golf shot. You need to balance yourself what i call 25/25/25/25. 25% on your heels, 25% on your toes, 25% on your back foot and 25% on your front foot. Without having balance throughout the swing you will lack consistency, which is so important in becoming a good player.
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
Success
The dictionary is the only place where “success” comes before “work.”
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"
My Turn
If your ideal holiday time is a fancy french dinner and his is a quiet evening at home by the fireplace, try not to get bent out of shape. Instead take turns on holidays on who gets to do what. Compromising is great for your relationship and also for stress free holidays.
Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!
Character
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision be cleared, ambition insured and success achieved."
Helen Keller
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"
True Beauty....
True beauty comes from within. So search for it with your heart...instead of your eyes!
Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
The Best Diet is no diet at all but a lifetime commitment to better choices!
Many studies have proven that all diets have a temporary effect! The secret to losing weight is to make permanent choices in what we do. Here we have some simple long term commitments:
• Commit to whole wheat bread
• Drink fruit juices instead of soft drinks
• Always select fruits as a dessert
• Start most meal with a large salad
• Use whole grains pasta, bread and rice
• Take longer to eat. It takes time for your body to send its satisfaction signal
• Always park your car far rather than near
• Use the stairs for anything less than 4 stories
• Think positively about all of the choices above.
Forming good habits is the answer to long term health!
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.
There are only two options regarding commitment; you're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in-between.
Pat Riley
Opportunities are like sunrises - if you wait too long, you miss them.
William Arthur Ward
http://josh.agarrado.net/music/anime/index.php
Im a fan of ur music
Such a wonderful and sunny day today and im stuck indoors doing my assignment …Stay strong
http://myanimelist.net/anime.php, http://www.imeem.com/, http://www.deviantart.com/#
Friends 4- ever
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out, also a Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"
Inequality Of Treatment
A fault in a loved one is no matter. The same fault in an enemy is an outrage.
A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.
The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.
The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”
Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”
The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”
When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.
What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?
Let’s peal it back down stairs.
Self-deception
The fundamental factor of self-deception is this constant desire to be something in this world.
--J. Krishamurti
This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.
The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.
What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.
What was your mother’s name before she was married?
None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.
Wanting More
For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Happiness
Happiness is not the absence of conflict
but the ability to cope with it
- WAYNE DYER –
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Success
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”
+ General Joke
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jock's forthcoming wedding.
‘Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception,
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed
smart in that!"
"And what's the tartin?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ..."
Be smart and think about it!
We don't see things as they are
We see them as we want them to be!
Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”
THE WRONG END OF THE BULL
In the latter stages of a bull-market, the market is most characterized by bull.
An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”
+ General Joke
Not for the faint hearted...
My daughter wanted a puppy last Christmas. So I got her one.
I also explained to her specifically what I would do if she were to not
take good care of it as it grew older.
So here I am... nine months on... standing on the tow path listening to the
muffled cries and whimpers fade as I watch the squirming sack slowly
sinking to the bottom of the canal. I think to myself...
Maybe I have been too harsh on her this time.
Nevermind. Tomorrow I will find a new home for the puppy.
How to Putt Like a Pro
Putting makes up about 35-40% of your final score. If you usually shoot around 90, you likely average 34-36 putts a game. A Golf Pro on the P.G.A. usually takes 26-30 putts a round. To improve your putting, try this : Line up some coins in the form of a 4 inch wide pathway straight to the hole, 2ft. from the hole. You are putting through a 2 ft. long "tunnel", so to speak. Now, try and sink 9/10 putts from 2 ft. through this coin pathway, but, don't touch any. That is your goal - do not touch the coins. You'll soon find yourself sinking all of these putts on the practice green, and on the course too, building your confidence, and lowering your scores.
Mosquitoes Repellent
Rubbing a handful of fresh basil leaves on your skin should protect you from mosquitoes for a few hours. The herb does not contain hazardous chemicals and is less likely to cause skin irritations than the synthetic bug sprays.
Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
Confront fear head on!
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.
When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:
"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"
"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.
"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.
"Ja," replied the South African.
Protect Your Privacy
Know what information the merchant is collecting about you, how it will be used and if they share it with or sell it to others. You can do this by checking the web site to make sure there is a privacy policy posted, and that you're comfortable with the way your personal information is treated under that policy. Look for seals from privacy enforcement organizations like BrowserAccelerator.com, ValidatedSite.com, TrustGage.com, TRUSTe, BBBOnLine or WebTrust. Be cautious if you're asked to supply personal information not needed to make a purchase, such as your Social Security number or personal bank account information.
In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.
"Where are you from?" the one asked.
"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Earth" was the answer.
"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"
A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”
“That is your first worry,” he replied.
Agenda for an efficient meeting
In the workplace, time is of the essence, and meetings can be the ultimate timewaster. How can you avoid wasting time and run the most efficient meetings possible?
Try these tips
- Start and finish the meeting on time. If there’s more to consider, plan the appropriate follow-up actions or schedule another meeting.
- At the close of the meeting, ask if participants are comfortable with the outcomes.
- Make sure all meeting participants know that you expect them to be on time and prepared to discuss their agenda items.
- Encourage everyone to speak up. Quieter people may have valuable contributions, but they may need some encouragement to share them.
- Provide a detailed agenda for each meeting. It should include topics for and the purpose of discussion, as well as a discussion leader and time allotment for each topic. Distribute the agenda a couple of days before the meeting so that meeting participants have time to prepare.
- Assign someone to take notes in each meeting. That way, decisions and follow-up action items are documented and can be circulated to the meeting’s participants.
- Determine which meetings are really necessary. If the objective of a meeting is to simply update others about ongoing projects, it might make more sense to send a memo or group e-mail, or to post the information on your company’s computer network. However, for in-depth discussions, meetings generally work best.
+ General Joke
I was listening to a radio report on the Jaycee Dugard affair. The
local sherrif gave a measured and sober account of the facts and then
finished with the sentence, "....and having investigated the situation
it is ma considered opinion that the guy is a complete whackjob."
I got to thinking is that an official category of suspect in his
jurisdiction? Then I thought, hey this is California we are talking
about - it is probably the most common category!
+ General Joke
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.?
The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40
please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for
payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.?
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?'?
'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the
back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with
the emu?'?
The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
bird with a big back-side and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
"The Bliss of Marriage"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution".
So who likes living in an institution?
A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.
The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.
John D. Rockefeller III
Im a fan of ur music
Such a wonderful and sunny day today and im stuck indoors doing my assignment …Stay strong
http://myanimelist.net/anime.php, http://www.imeem.com/, http://www.deviantart.com/#
Friends 4- ever
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out, also a Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"
Inequality Of Treatment
A fault in a loved one is no matter. The same fault in an enemy is an outrage.
A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.
The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.
The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”
Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”
The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”
When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.
What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?
Let’s peal it back down stairs.
Self-deception
The fundamental factor of self-deception is this constant desire to be something in this world.
--J. Krishamurti
This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.
The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.
What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.
What was your mother’s name before she was married?
None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.
Wanting More
For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Happiness
Happiness is not the absence of conflict
but the ability to cope with it
- WAYNE DYER –
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Success
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”
+ General Joke
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jock's forthcoming wedding.
‘Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception,
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed
smart in that!"
"And what's the tartin?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ..."
Be smart and think about it!
We don't see things as they are
We see them as we want them to be!
Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”
THE WRONG END OF THE BULL
In the latter stages of a bull-market, the market is most characterized by bull.
An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”
+ General Joke
Not for the faint hearted...
My daughter wanted a puppy last Christmas. So I got her one.
I also explained to her specifically what I would do if she were to not
take good care of it as it grew older.
So here I am... nine months on... standing on the tow path listening to the
muffled cries and whimpers fade as I watch the squirming sack slowly
sinking to the bottom of the canal. I think to myself...
Maybe I have been too harsh on her this time.
Nevermind. Tomorrow I will find a new home for the puppy.
How to Putt Like a Pro
Putting makes up about 35-40% of your final score. If you usually shoot around 90, you likely average 34-36 putts a game. A Golf Pro on the P.G.A. usually takes 26-30 putts a round. To improve your putting, try this : Line up some coins in the form of a 4 inch wide pathway straight to the hole, 2ft. from the hole. You are putting through a 2 ft. long "tunnel", so to speak. Now, try and sink 9/10 putts from 2 ft. through this coin pathway, but, don't touch any. That is your goal - do not touch the coins. You'll soon find yourself sinking all of these putts on the practice green, and on the course too, building your confidence, and lowering your scores.
Mosquitoes Repellent
Rubbing a handful of fresh basil leaves on your skin should protect you from mosquitoes for a few hours. The herb does not contain hazardous chemicals and is less likely to cause skin irritations than the synthetic bug sprays.
Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
Confront fear head on!
The best way to battle fear is never to avoid it, be alert to it, as it tends to hide from you or perhaps we want to hide from it as a defense mechanism. As soon as the feeling of fear emerges, go into yourself, first feel the emotion physically in the energy centers of your body typically tightness in your chest, solar plexus (the pit of the stomach) or your throat, then analyze your thoughts, do not resist, nothing you do can change the circumstances or person generating that feeling, no matter how bad it feels accept it as an unavoidable part of life, as you do, feel good about yourself you are becoming a better person! as each time you do this you enhanced the preparation for the next feeling of fear.
When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:
"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"
"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.
"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.
"Ja," replied the South African.
Protect Your Privacy
Know what information the merchant is collecting about you, how it will be used and if they share it with or sell it to others. You can do this by checking the web site to make sure there is a privacy policy posted, and that you're comfortable with the way your personal information is treated under that policy. Look for seals from privacy enforcement organizations like BrowserAccelerator.com, ValidatedSite.com, TrustGage.com, TRUSTe, BBBOnLine or WebTrust. Be cautious if you're asked to supply personal information not needed to make a purchase, such as your Social Security number or personal bank account information.
In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.
"Where are you from?" the one asked.
"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Earth" was the answer.
"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"
A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”
“That is your first worry,” he replied.
Agenda for an efficient meeting
In the workplace, time is of the essence, and meetings can be the ultimate timewaster. How can you avoid wasting time and run the most efficient meetings possible?
Try these tips
- Start and finish the meeting on time. If there’s more to consider, plan the appropriate follow-up actions or schedule another meeting.
- At the close of the meeting, ask if participants are comfortable with the outcomes.
- Make sure all meeting participants know that you expect them to be on time and prepared to discuss their agenda items.
- Encourage everyone to speak up. Quieter people may have valuable contributions, but they may need some encouragement to share them.
- Provide a detailed agenda for each meeting. It should include topics for and the purpose of discussion, as well as a discussion leader and time allotment for each topic. Distribute the agenda a couple of days before the meeting so that meeting participants have time to prepare.
- Assign someone to take notes in each meeting. That way, decisions and follow-up action items are documented and can be circulated to the meeting’s participants.
- Determine which meetings are really necessary. If the objective of a meeting is to simply update others about ongoing projects, it might make more sense to send a memo or group e-mail, or to post the information on your company’s computer network. However, for in-depth discussions, meetings generally work best.
+ General Joke
I was listening to a radio report on the Jaycee Dugard affair. The
local sherrif gave a measured and sober account of the facts and then
finished with the sentence, "....and having investigated the situation
it is ma considered opinion that the guy is a complete whackjob."
I got to thinking is that an official category of suspect in his
jurisdiction? Then I thought, hey this is California we are talking
about - it is probably the most common category!
+ General Joke
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.?
The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40
please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for
payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.?
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?'?
'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the
back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with
the emu?'?
The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
bird with a big back-side and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
"The Bliss of Marriage"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution".
So who likes living in an institution?
A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.
The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.
John D. Rockefeller III
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