Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

You look familiar.......
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?
I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.
I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.
I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.
That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.
You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?
Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time ?
How about never? Is never good for you?
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
His teeth are brighter than he is.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Good riddance.....
If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.
I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone.
Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you.
Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.
I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.
It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say.
I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week.

When they gave out...
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft"
When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"
When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"
When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"
When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those"
When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit"
When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy"

Is that your face ?. . . .
Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop.
Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.
If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.
If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.
Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.
Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.
Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.

You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected.
But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go.
You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.
When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check.
They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead.
When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us.
You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them
You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for "Aardvark"

1. Practice with origami.
2. . Go horse riding. Shooting
3. Try your hand at gardening.
4. Knit a summer cardigan.
5. Start a rock band.
6. Buy a canvas from a cheap craft shop and paint a masterpiece.
7. Make a mud cake.
8. Write a poem.
9. Play Putt-Putt with your family.
10. Buy some seeds and grow your own strawberry garden.
11. Decorate your thongs with some ribbon and beads.
12. Start a scrapbook.
13. Have a beauty party.
14. Start your own club.
15. Experiment with photography.
16. Experiment with new hairstyles.
17. Create something for TG's fridge.
18. Redecorate your bedroom with posters or a photo board.
19. Cut out all your fave pics and photos and make yourself an inspiration collage.