It is difficult to know what counts in the world. Most of us count credits, honor, dollars. But at the bulging center of mid-life, I am beginning to see that the things that really matter take place not in the boardrooms, but in the kitchens of the world.

Gary Allen Sledge

+ General JokeHow nations deal with terrorist threats The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "P1ssed Off" to "Let's get the B3stards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

IS THIS THE PATH OF THE FUTURE?
At one time it was believed that if a better mousetrap were invented, the world would beat a path to the inventor’s door; this is not true today; if a better mousetrap were invented today, the inventor would also need a better infomercial for late night TV.

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails

Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook

"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son

"All except you and mom" the Son replied

"But why" Father angrily shouted

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony!" the Son pleaded.

Another of Sam's
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper that it's written on"

- Samuel Goldwyn -

Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worth while achievement.

Henry Ford

+ General JokeA teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. '"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.

"My dad died," the boy replied.

"That's terrible, when did it happen?"

"Five years ago," the boy said.

"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"

"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

Words
Keep your words soft and sweet.......You may eat them some day.

Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.


Douglas Jerrould

There has never been a better time to saddle the naked ambition of the entrepreneur. - Venture Capitalist Tim Draper, 1996 Reminder: Free reading of new musical comedy "Dot Comet" today (Monday 1/18) at 4pm Woolly Mammoth Theater641 D St. NW Washington, DC

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Appreciating differences
In an emotionally developed family, differences between family members are not only appreciated but also encouraged. Consequently, if one member of the family wants to do something that the others have never done before, they are open to the idea without being critical. Being open to new ideas and experiences allows the family unit to grow and have the greatest emotional development.

Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

An Irish Toast
May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live

A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. “He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail.”

Break ups
The hardest thing about breaking up is not the point that its over,

but the reason why it's over!

General JokeIt is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit ches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.

“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”

“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

We need sleep!
By Cathryn Conroy, Netscape News Editor

...you could be sleep deprived and putting yourself at risk for an early death. That stunning conclusion was reached by researchers at Penn State College of Medicine, who determined that when we get just six hours of sleep a night, we are actually sleep deprived. And sleep deprivation not only makes us sleepy during the day and decreases our productivity and performance levels, but also promotes the potentially dangerous process of inflammation. Inflammation of this sort can lead to a variety of problems, including heart disease and hardening of the arteries, reports WebMD.

Previous studies have examined the effects of severe sleep deprivation, which is five hours or less of sleep. This one looked at the effects of modest sleep restriction, something that many people live with day in and day out in order to meet the pressing demands of work and family. The levels of inflammatory factors skyrocketed in the 25 study volunteers--who spent 12 consecutive nights in a sleep laboratory--when they had just six hours of sleep, compared with eight hours. So when you pass up sleep to watch more television, talk to your spouse, or clean the house, you are putting yourself at risk for cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis.