I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest. ~Steven Pearl
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.~Groucho Marx
Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me." "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away. ~Author Unknown
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain
Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."~P.G. Wodehouse
Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.~Mark Twain
Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.~English professor, Ohio University
I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.~Charles Baudelaire
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.~David Gerrold
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.~ George Bernard Shaw
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.~Dorothy Parker, book review
During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!