A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Nature gave us two ends: one to sit on and one to think with.
 Ever since then, man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.



Robert Albert Bloch

Corporate Corruption
Allowing managers and directors to choose and pay their accountants directly; is like letting the warden and guards be chosen and paid by the convicts.

Things to do II

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.

Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the

sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.

Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets

cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

Interdependence
The maturity continuum is a movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. All phases of life start out (personal, professional) as dependent (take care of me, you do it). Hopefully, in a reasonable period we move to independence( I take care of myself, I can do it). To reach true maturity we finally say: we can do it, we can cooperate, we can create something bigger than ourselves.

In light of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, PM Gordon Brownsent a stern message to the bankrupt country: "WE SAID CASH, NOT ASH!" NB: Nice topical joke to finish the week..

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Shopping away
Save time at the grocery store by making a list of things you need to buy ahead of time. Try to avoid spontaneousely picking items from the store, because you will probably need to buy complimentary things that go with this extra item. Following your shopping list will save you time on wondering what to buy and money by not buying not needed items.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her

five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy

father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

THE WALL THAT LASTS
Making love, is to a lasting marriage, as mortar is to the bricks of a wall; you can have the mortar without the brick wall and you can have a brick wall without the mortar, at least for a while.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. You can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.

Vince Lombardi

+ General JokeIt's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit......On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government (substitute another country if you like) is conducting business today.

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Yoga for Stress Management
Hatha yoga is a practice which is 5000 years old, and is now being used throughout the world by millions to improve health and reduce stress. Forward bends, whether done standing or seated, are said to be the most relaxing poses for the nervous system. Several times daily, take a few moments to fold forward from the hips, keeping the spine long, and breath deeply, completely restoring calmness and energy. If you have high blood pressure or glaucoma, this pose should only be done from a seated position so that your head remains higher than your heart.

A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the

holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the

side of the plate.

To be educated
To be educated is not hard, it is a continuous process of hard work.

Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.

Barbara Holland

When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. -Sinclair Lewis

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Worrying?
Worrying is like a rocking chair, you can rock forever but it will get you nowhere

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.

Samuel Johnson

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Use third party libraries cautiously!
While third party or open source libraries can save you time, make sure they really fulfill the needs of your project before you commit. You could end up spending many hours of your time debugging and enhancing code you don't understand very well.

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.

Don't Be Offended
If another says something hurtful, it is wise to ignore it;

if the words were not intended to hurt,

our resentment will hurt the innocent;

if the words were intended to hurt,

our resentment will reward the guilty.

+ General Joke A squaddie gets posted to Iraq, and is stuck out in the middle of the desert starting to feel really h0rny. In desperation he turns to his Corporal and asks what the men do for s3x on this lonely desert outpost? "Ah," says the Corporal "There's a couple of camels around the back of the NAAFI bar we use." The young squaddy is horrified! The thought of having s3x with a camel terrifies him, so he decides to keep a lid on it. Weeks pass, and the itch finally gets too strong. Fortified by a couple of beers, he goes around the back of the bar, drops his trousers, and sticks one up the camel. As he's humping (pardon the pun) away, he looks around and sees his Corporal standing staring. "Well," says the Corporal "We usually ride the camels into town and visit the br0thel, but whatever floats your boat..."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Wisdom Of Ages
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.

-Arabian Proverb-