+ General JokeThe New York Philharmonic gave an emotional first-ever concert in North Korea yesterday, in which some of the musicians were in tears by the end of the performance. The North Koreans were saddened and confused, wondering why all that heating fuel was used as noise-makers.

Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?

New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.

Snuggle Up
Even nonsexual contacts like handholding can prompt the release of oxytocin, the so-called love hormone; it ignites sexual arousal, relaxes you, and increases sensitivity to touch.

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one lese will be able to make that happen. Accept who your are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.

Stacey Charter

When the eagles are silent, the parrots being to jabber. -Winston Churchill

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?

“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.

Everything is all right
There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.

- Jules Renard

Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Success
Man sees first his failure or success, his joy or sorrow, before it swings into visibility from the scenes set in his own imagination. Life is a game of boomerangs, be careful of your thoughts, they will come back to you!

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

Get to know the locals
Wherever you go, locals are the key to finding out the best places to go whether it be for a nice dinner or to a deserted beach. Befriending locals can bring you knowledge of all the secret places that most tourists dream of. Take the time to talk to people and you'll get some good tips on where to go and end up learning a lot more about the places you visit.

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.

Online Dating Safety Tips
Here are some online and offline dating tips for:

Online dating

1. Do not include any personal information in your profile. Reputable dating sites have a privacy policy so that their members can be part of a safe online dating environment and any personal information given will not be revealed to others.

2. Take your time getting to know someone online before giving any personal information about yourself and before arranging to meet.

3. Don’t lie in your profile or upload a fake photograph. Do you want to meet someone who is faking his/her identity or photo?

4. It is a good idea to set up a free email account like yahoo. This way you do not have to use your main personal email address in the event that you no longer wish to have contact with a member.

5. Be careful if you think a member is lying to you. Beware of someone who pressures you for anything including personal details or an early date.

6. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable stop messaging him/her. Reputable dating sites provide features for you to report inappropriate messaging or even blocking these users.

Offline dating

1. If you would like to meet someone "offline" only reveal minimal information to begin with. Start with your email address and then maybe your mobile. As email and even phone number can be changed easily if necessary.

2. If you call another member use the "block my number" feature to prevent your number appearing on his/her phone.

3. If you arrange to meet someone, always make sure the meeting point is in a public place and preferably in daylight for the first meeting. Always let someone else know who you are going to meet, where you are going and what time you should be back home.

4. If you're drinking alcohol, don’t drink too much and never leave your drink unattended.

5. Finally, be sensible and trust your instincts – they are usually right!

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Love more and all good things will be yours.

Healthy Eating
Healthy eating starts at the grocery store. To make your shopping trip a success, buy fresh foods when possible and road food labels on prepared foods. If you are looking for quick and healthy option, buy precut vegetables and bagged salad mixes. Plan a week’s worth of menus before shopping, and then make a list of ingredient you’ll need - and stick to it.

- Mayo Clinic -

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….' skanz hoars are xhit 4 sho weep squeak bleed n more fakers tweetkers with blood gun holes fir eburns in your mind while cracks making u blind flame ya’ll coz u got none of mine u stressed don rest coz ma beats gonna break fu dang whore, mind tricsk are what I posses crave you wigga hoe ur in a reckful mess what u say bitch? Well I say u die mofo like my wrist fist no miss can’t take dis wen pharaohs unite ur gone alright thick swords death curse get ma rhyme 2 nite yo wigga lyin shor t on west nigga u think u know all well too best well ur meaning does not pass noute on the richer scale u bloat and scream but still ur case’s on trial 1 ask can’t pass ur dawggy ass are u ready for this mother f-er forever u know it’s ur last My 1 shot has got u fully off My hommies know my drill and us ganstas thrill 4 thugs rule life that right till the day we die, my crippers were made to walk and crip whats next u getting x-ed baby im making a mix Lyrics Copyright 2008 CMW Corp