A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,

so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."

The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.

The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?"

The manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Getting what you want
Never take no for an answer from someone who doesn’t have the authority to say yes.

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.

At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

People Skills
When a friend comes to you for advice be sure not to get so absorbed in it that you actually solve one of your own problems with the advice you offer to them. Remember the results may have a devastating effect on their situation and with that, only you, reap the benefits.

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.


Unknown

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

Be a Leader
Do not follow a path that’s already made. Go a different direction and make your own.


+ General Joke"Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota." –Jay Leno "I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees." –Jay Leno

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.

General George S. Patton

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.

Stephen R. Covey

+ General JokeHow Canadian women can fight terrorism As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless Canada!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Be prepared
Find a service that you can contact before you arrive in your chosen destination area that will give you a "Heads Up" about the area. Such a service should be able to give you maps, door-to-door directions, area attraction brochures, as well as set up reservations for transportation, dining, lodging, tours and local attractions.

The difference between extraordinary people and ordinary people is a simple as the difference between the two words. Extraordinary people are committed to doing the extra things that ordinary people won't.

Christine Kinney

When I had my surgery, the doctor gave me a local anesthetic. I could not afford the imported kind.

QUOTE: Success, Emerson
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”

“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”

Conserve Water
To conserve water: Do not run water while brushing your teeth. It is unnecessary to waste water while brushing your teeth. Only run the water when rinsing your brush. It is a habit one can acquire easily and can be done for the rest of your life!

An idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”

“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”

10 tips for Better Bunker Play
Here are some things to keep in mind to better your bunker play:

1) Keep an open stance

2) Ball should be positioned ahead of center of lead foot

3) Feet dug into sand to anchor; toes are deeper than heels

4) Choke down on grip to adjust for buried feet

5) Take grip with clubface open

6) Swing club back to a position that has the lead arm parallel with the ground with the wrists fully cocked

7) Hit 2 inches behind the ball

8) Accelerate through the shot

9) Practice is critical

WE MUST BE THANKFUL FOR ...
By M. Raymond Sheppard

We must be thankful for the offer and willingness to help, not the outcome.
We must be thankful for the challenges, not just the successes,
We must be thankful for the spirited debate, not just the resolution,
We must be thankful for the child that tries to cheer us up when we are down and the child that tries to help another child, not just the child that does his/her chores,
We must be thankful not just for what the Creator has done, but what he/she hasn't done,
We must be thankful for our trails and tribulations, not just our glorious victories,
We must be thankful for the clothes on our back, and not ungrateful for the style they lack.
We must be thankful for the $10 we might have today that we didn't have yesterday, and let go of the fact that we did not get the thousand we wanted,
We must be thankful for the hug our loved one gave to us, although they did not say they loved us,
We must be thankful for the meal we had today, and not dwell on the one we might have dreamed of,
We must be thankful for the job we have now, not just the one we might get or wished we had,
We must be thankful for that friend that is with us and supports us, not just the best friend that isn't there,
We must be thankful for the survivors of natural catastrophes, and be thankful for the memory of those we might have lost,
We must be thankful for all things.