Friendship
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway

- JEROME CUNNINGS –

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.

Dale Carnegie

Your heart
Reach for tofu, the magnesium in this soy food prevents blood clots and high blood pressure.

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

When lightning strikes
If you are caught outdoors during a thunderstorm, follow the 30-30 rule. Seek a safer location immediately if the thunder occurs 30 seconds or less after the lightning. Once the storm has passed, wait at least 30 minutes after the last lightning flash before leaving the shelter.

A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?

“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”

The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”

Memory booster
Scientists have discovered that bushing your teeth with your opposite hand or driving to work a different way or even chewing gum is a form of mental exercise that increases blood flowing through your brain which helps to create and strengthen both brain lobes and the link between lobes.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

+ General Joke
Royal Doulton have decided not to issue a range of figurative Michael Jackson china

mugs.After the best efforts of their finest artists QA feel that they still cannot get

the nose right.

Humour is truth
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor

is truth.

- VICTOR BORGE –

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front

of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to

the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The

truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

Be Happy
Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.

I have just one day and I'm going to be happy in it

- GROUCHO MARX –

The Substitute Tooth Fairy

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
Pioneer Girls Leaders' Handbook
+ General Joke
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."


Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big sh1t that he really was."

Hidden from View
“Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is known”

- Leonardo da Vinci –

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

Those That Have Little Curiosity
Some people seem to believe, that since curiosity killed the cat, that they might be next.

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.

You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

+ General Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.


After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.


Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.


I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.


Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.


Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.


Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.


I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.


I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.


I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.


So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Wealth
Wealth amounts in not having great possessions

but in having few wants.

- EPICURIS –

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."