Samurai Wisdom
"Had I not known

That I was dead

Already

I would have mourned

My loss of life"

Ota Dokan (1486)

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Unhindered Mind
“To have been angered in argument is, to have already been defeated.”

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Success
Selfishness binds and blocks.

Every loving and unselfish thought has in it the germ of success.

Florence Scovel Shinn

The measure of a man is not, "How did he die?" but "How did he live?"
not "What did he gain?" but "What did he give?"
Unknown
+ General Joke
An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of
the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he added, "I'm only here to feed the alligator."

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“



“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Trouble getting a good night' sleep?
If you are having trouble getting a good nights sleep, take a look at your bedtime diet. While a light snack may help you relax before sleeping, you should avoid heavy meals and fluids that stimulate stomach acid production and could cause heartburn. Also, consider whether intake of caffeine, chocolate or alcohol is affecting your sleep.

- Mayo Clinic –