Be Careful What You Say
If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like.

We can throw stones,
complain about them,
stumble on them,
climb over them,
or build with them.

William Arthur Ward

From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!

- John Cameron Mitchell
Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

A. It's pasture bed time (past your)

Sucess in future
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....

"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

Stay safe in a thunderstorm
1. Be aware that lightning can follow electrical wires and phone lines.

2. If you can hear thunder, you are within striking distance.

3. If you are driving during a thunderstorm, you should stay in your car with the windows closed

4. You shouldn’t take a shower, wash dishes or do laundry.

5. If you are swimming or boating when a storm starts, head for shore immediately.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

Immunizations
You should get your child immunized to help protect them against dangerous diseases. Most state laws in the U.S. require your child to be immunized before starting their schooling. To be sure check with your local health department or doctor for the recommended schedule for shots.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,

being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,

And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the

Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned

on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Don't fear the new family
Never believe in what people tell you about the core family. There are no natural constellations that are better than others. Instead always look to the best of yourself or your children. Remember, a non-traditional family living in harmony is always better than a traditional family where your children or you suffer. Two mothers, two fathers, new mother, new father - the only thing that matters is a safe, positive environment for you and your children.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
 Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Albert Schwietzer
+ General Joke
An Irishman applied for a job with a blacksmith, who asked him,
"Do you know anything about shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied, "No, but I once told a donkey to f*&k off."

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

Self worth
I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

Ayn Rand, Anthem, 1946
Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Minor burns
If you have a minor burn peel a potatoe take the skins of the potatoe and rub the peeled side to your skin.

+ General Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

Tibetan Buddhism Wisdom
When a strong wind blows, the clouds vanish and blue sky appears. Similarly, when the powerful wisdom that understands the nature of the mind arises, the dark clouds of ego disappear. Beyond the ego – the agitated, uncontrolled mind – lie everlasting peace and satisfaction.

– Lama Thubten Yeshe

A woman is like a tea bag -
you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

sick in Bed
When your child gets sick, he/she really needs you to be there for them. They really need their parents for comfort at the onslaught of an illness. Spending a night rocking your child to sleep will make you preciously aware of what parenting is all about.

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

Just start
If you think to do something, you have to chalk out a plan first, but that’s not all. You have to start that as early as possible. Remember this, if you desire to build a multistoried building, you need not to manage everything at a time. You have to do step by step.